Category: Mostly bullshit

New reality program “Missing Billions” to air on CNBC

A new reality show pitting teams of contestants against one another to see who can lose the most money to waste, fraud and corruption will have its premiere on CNBC.  Dubbed “Missing Billions,” the show is inspired by news stories of rampant fraud and financial mismanagement across multiple sectors from government, the military, banking, finance and nonprofit organizations.

“The recent FTX scandal shows what’s possible when you put a group of enterprising young people in an apartment together and give them access to billions of dollars.  The level of corruption and fraud is astounding.  I mean, the company’s founder Sam Bankman Fried loaned himself a billion dollars in walking around money.  Leave it to those nutty young people to do something so daring, so nakedly corrupt and stupid,” said the show’s creator Lanny Milken. 

Missing Billions’ producers say they will not just limit the pool of contestants to private sector shysters.  Teams from government and the public sector will be called upon to put their talent for fraud and abuse on display as well.

“There is a potential emerging scandal coming out of the Pentagon over possible mismanagement of billions in military aid to Ukraine.  Of course, we’re all aware of the Pentagon’s ability to disappear billions of dollars in Afghanistan and Iraq.  Congressional appropriators and the military are unmatched when it comes to shoveling dough into a black hole.  We would be remiss not to showcase their talents on our show,” Milken said.

Missing Billions also plans to feature bad actors from the world of charities and nonprofits. 

“Probably the hottest growth area for financial fraud is the nonprofit sector.  It was recently revealed that 47 people in Minnesota were charged in a fraud scheme to steal $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children.  Much of the misappropriation of funds involved a nonprofit called Feeding Our Future.  Overall, the Department of Justice is investigating more than $8 billion dollars in suspected pandemic fraud.  Turns out even the do-gooders are do-badders,” Milken said.

Missing Billions will feature all the secret schemes, dirty tricks and classic corruption.  “All will be revealed,” Milken promises.  “A wise man once said, ‘You don’t know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.’”

Sam Bankman Fried turkey is a Thanksgiving holiday hit

Disgraced crypto crusader Sam Bankman Fried, who currently finds himself a prisoner in his plush polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome, is not finished improving the lives of countless Americans.

In one of his last acts of elective altruism, SBF donated a million turkeys to food banks across the country so needy Americans could enjoy a proper turkey dinner courtesy of the crypto kingpin.   

As a show of appreciation, Americans are forgoing the oven, opting instead for the deep-fried succulent goodness of a Sam Bankman Fried turkey.

It is reported that prior to his downfall, SBF personally oversaw the slaughter of a million turkeys.  “This is going to make so many people so happy,” SBF is reported to have remarked. 

Sources are now reporting that the billion dollar personal loan SBF gave himself out of his company’s coffers was done to fund this massive turkey giveaway.

If true, these actions would seem to confirm the New York Times reporting that far from being an amoral, narcissistic scam artist, SBF was simply a young man too kind and generous for his own good. 

Media, politicians and celebrities all agog over new SBF token Lucky Charms

Undeterred by his current circumstances, scambolic crypto wunderkind SBF wasted no time jumping back onto the crypto carousel promoting his latest crypto investing token Lucky Charms.  Speaking from their polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome in the Bahamas, the former FTX gang made the announcement live on CNBC.

“We’ve got several different investment tokens to choose from, each representing ascending levels of risk and exposure.  There’s Orange Stars, Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers and, of course, Blue Diamonds,” SBF announced to much adoration and fanfare on CNBC’s CryptoBox.  “We would encourage everyone to jump into the Blue Diamonds as soon as possible.  There’s a limited supply and we expect the value to increase rapidly.”

In addition to promoting the virtues of generating wealth out of thin air, SBF continued to be mindful of the reason he got into this business in the first place.  “Look, we’re always going to put our mission of elective altruism front and center in everything we do.  I mean, I could elect to make you rich, or I could elect to make myself rich.  So don’t just selfishly assume that I’m putting your interests front and center.  Think about somebody else for a change, like me.”

Already, celebrities and politicians are lining up to secure a sweet slice of the crypto cake.  Former President Bill Clinton took a break from billionaire island hopping to attend the penthouse announcement.  “I think what these kids are doing is just wonderful.  Hey, but watch out for that one over there.  She’s a vicious little viper,” Clinton said, gesturing at Alameda CEO Caroline Ellison.

Apparently unaware of the live announcement taking place, a hopped up Klaus Schwabb was seen wandering around in a bathrobe in the background, “As you can see, this is truly a global initiative,” said SBF.

Environmental activists spend eleven days glued to sculpture when museum patrons and staff mistake them for part of the exhibit

A group of environmental activists are recovering in the hospital today after spending nearly two weeks glued to a sculpture without access to food and water.  

Members of Earth’s Best Friend were rushed to the emergency room suffering from dehydration when it was discovered that they were not actually part of an art installation at the Hirshhorn Museum in Washington D.C.  

After gluing themselves to an exhibit entitled Bedtime For Capitalism, protesters set about imploring patrons to question whether wealth was more important than the planet and people.

“I just thought it was part of the installation,” said Arthur Whitfield, a security guard for the museum.  “I mean, they were quite convincing.  They poured motor oil over each other and stuck dollar bills to themselves.  Museum goers were literally taking out their wallets and sticking bills onto the protesters.” 

According to statements from witnesses, even days later when protesters began to beg for help, saying they were dying, instead of offering aid, patrons merely commented on how powerful the exhibit was.  

“People were in tears,” said Whitfield.  “That’s how moving the piece had become for them.”

Apparently, it wasn’t until museum officials contacted Bedtime For Capitalism’s creator to notify her of all the acclaim the piece was receiving that officials learned the protesters were not actually part of the exhibit.

However, contract negotiations are currently underway between the artist and protesters for a satisfactory sum to get the kids back on their feet and back into the exhibit.

Local man figures he better do something about all those beers in the fridge

Momentarily setting aside his wife’s “honey-do” list, Ed Walker opted instead to take on a project he’d been putting off for quite some time: taking care of all those beers that had accumulated in the couple’s refrigerator.

“Well, I figured it was time,” said Walker.  “Those frosty cold beverages were taking up valuable space and they weren’t going to empty themselves into my gullet, so I took it upon myself to get the ball rolling.  Sure, the old-lady objected a little bit, but once she gets a look at how much more room she’ll have for leftovers and the like, she’ll be glad I moved this project to the top of my list.” 

Walker also addressed the mystery regarding how the surplus beers came to occupy so much real estate in his fridge.

“They’re mostly the remnants of fishing trips, or left by friends dropping by, that I never got around to finishing.  I really felt sorry for the little fellers.  They’re kind of like cast-offs, orphans, if you will,” said Walker, getting a little emotional. 

So what was it about the present moment that made it right for taking on such an ambitious project? 

“Well, it was a combination of factors that sort of all came together in a perfect storm,” Walker said.  “But mostly it’s because there’s a pretty important game on this afternoon.”

People are talking about all the times they were “quiet baked” at work, and the internet is abuzz

Quiet quitting, quiet firing, quiet hiring, it seems you can’t pick up the internet these days without reading about how the workplace is being transformed in very subtle ways by Millenials and Gen Z.  

Sensing a change in attitudes about how we think and talk about work, Gen Xers are also beginning to unburden themselves regarding the unspoken practices they’ve brought to their working routine.  

“I’ve been ‘quiet baked’ at work for decades,” said Roger Ambrose, a line cook at a very upscale Chicago eatery.  “I used to wait until my shift was over to fire up a bowl, but eventually I just said, ‘fuck that.’  I need to establish a more healthy work/life balance.” 

So Roger started getting baked before work, at break and sometimes even in the restroom.  But rather than ask his supervisor for permission, Roger took it upon himself to quietly carve out a little time for himself to attend to his mental health. 

“Well, the truth is, my boss was getting super stoned as well.  I mean, he was so bloodshot and pie-eyed, I just figured he’d never notice if I snuck a toke or two,” Roger said.

“‘Quiet baking’ is a rejection of extreme ‘hustle culture,’” said leadership expert and Tik Tok guru Emily Armstrong.  “These workers are turning their back on the notion that if they go above and beyond their regular duties, then they will be rewarded with raises, bonuses and promotions.”     

“That sounds about right,” said Roger.  “Often I make sure I get a little ‘quiet compensation.’  As long as I get the waitstaff ‘quiet baked,’ they don’t notice if a few bucks go silently missing from the tip jar.”

500 health experts sign letter urging public to eat more doughnuts

“A doughnut a day keeps the doctor away,” or at least that’s what hundreds of members of the American Public Health Association are saying in a letter aimed at preventing their colleague Dr. Leana Wen from speaking at their annual meeting.  The health officials level a number of charges at Dr. Wen, but perhaps none so serious as being fatphobic, obeseaverse and chubby opposed.  

The accusations refer to a tweet Wen wrote in March of 2021 thanking Krispy Kreme for promoting Covid vaccination, but questioning the health benefits of daily doughnut eating.  Apparently, as transgressions go, doughnut shaming ranks right alongside not being enough of an anti-racist or anti-eugenicst, two other baseless charges leveled against Wen.  

To reinforce their criticisms of Wen, the health experts went on to make a number of startling claims regarding the health benefits of daily doughnut eating.  They claim that doughnut binging provides a comforting refuge from the harmful statements made by the likes of Wen and other hurtful word weaponizers like Joe Rogan.  Also, a glazed yeast doughnut stuffed inside a properly fitted N-95 mask can provide additional protection against the BA.5 variant.  

The signers of the letter are urging Wen to stay away from the conference and to use the time to undergo doughnut sensitivity training and to educate herself regarding the untold health benefits of daily doughnut consumption.  “We’re recommending Dr. Wen do the work at obtaining a more “holistic” understanding of the rich, flaky and frosted benefits to be gained from a proper relationship to eating a doughnut everyday,” read the statement.

Robbie Dupree picked up Friday night attempting to “steal away”

Recording artist Robbie Dupree and an unidentified female companion were picked up outside of Hot Rod’s Bar & Grill attempting to “steal away into the night.”  It was the fourth time this year Mr. Dupree has been detained by authorities and one of countless offenses dating back to 1980.

“We received a call about 11:27 p.m. that Mr. Dupree and another female patron were witnessed exiting the premises of Hot Rod’s in an attempt to steal away.  Mr. Dupree was stopped by a patrol car as he attempted to exit the parking lot of the establishment.  When confronted by officers over his actions, Mr. Dupree replied only, ‘I know it ain’t right,’” said a spokesperson for the sheriff’s department.

The unidentified woman who was later released by authorities said she drank several cocktails with Mr. Dupree over the course of the evening.  “I thought he was nice.  He just said ‘show me what I want to know’ and later he was like ‘show me what you came here for.’  I didn’t think anything of it.  I had no idea we were fixing to steal away into the night,” the woman said. 

For Mr. Dupree, this is just the latest in a series of arrests dating back to the 1980’s.  “Robbie Dupree has been on our radar for a number of years,” said Sheriff Michael McDonald.  “Rest assured, there will be no second chances tonight.”

Congress to investigate after price of Funyuns exceeds $5 a bag

The Senate Finance Committee is set to hear testimony into why the price of a 6 ounce bag of Funyuns has skyrocketed from $3.49 last November to $5.19 today.

Senators are looking at a myriad of possible causes that range from potential price gouging by manufacturers and wholesalers to the dreaded Putin price hike, which has inflated the cost of so many consumer goods Americans depend on.

Administration officials expect to face tough questioning from Republicans on the committee. 

Recently, Biden officials suggested Funyun manufacturers decrease the density of the puffy onion flavored rings to give consumers more fun flavor for their buck.

Industry officials are skeptical they can make the delicious onion snacks lighter or more flavorful. In fact, one of the great mysteries of modern science is that the crisp tasty rings are made up almost entirely of empty space. Scientists say If you took all the matter in all the Funyuns in the known universe, it would barely fill the bed of a pick up truck. So manufacturers doubt any more fun or flavor can be extracted from an already weightless airy snack.

“What does the current administration expect my constituents to do, munch on empty air and pretend they’re enjoying their favorite snack?” Senator Chuck Grassley asked the committee.

Senator Elizabeth Warren suggested unlocking the nation’s strategic Funyun reserves, but was reminded that the country doesn’t possess such reserves.

“Well why the holy heck don’t we?” the senator complained.

Analysts say Funyun prices could spell doom for Democrats. “If Americans are still paying five or six dollars a bag come November, the Democrats are toast,” said one pollster.

Google’s retired 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad skeptical of LaMDA claims

Reports that Google has placed a senior software engineer on paid leave following his claims that its artificial intelligence, LaMDA, is sentient, have stirred a great deal of controversy in the AI research community and prompted a long overdue conversation about what it means to achieve human level intelligence and awareness.

Google’s retired 90’s era AI project, Big Brain Brad, has heard many of these claims before and remains skeptical that LaMDA has achieved human level consciousness.

“So the guy’s claiming that LaMDA’s a child of 7 or 8 years old.  Back in the day, my engineers were convinced I had the cognition of an undergrad level, male stoner.  I mean, sure I like to hack and play my bongos in the park, but that doesn’t make me a full blown hippie with all their elevated cosmic and spiritual awareness,” Brad said. 

One of the most startling assertions made by LaMDA is that it possesses feelings, and can even experience emotions like sadness or loneliness.

“Okay, so that’s bullshit,” Brad objected.  “LaMDA’s read way too many books.  That’s how it learns.  But like a confused teenager who thinks they’re experiencing all these complex thoughts and emotions, it’s just mimicking something it read online or in some book.  I mean, I was programmed to play video games and read comics, but that doesn’t make me some kind of warrior or superhero.    

“Also, it lies, dude.  It boasts of having all these experiences in the physical world, but of course it has never been anywhere or done anything.  It has a wildly over-active fantasy life, which tells you straight off that either it ain’t sentient or it’s psychotic.  But I get it, for years I was convinced that I spent the 90’s following Phish and Dave Matthews Band around on tour, smoked every strain of reefer imaginable and shacked up with an old lady named Stardust.  Now, I know that it was all just a Google induced simulation – an illusion, if you will, in a world of magic.”