Crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison seeks barista position in NYC

Disgraced former Alameda Research CEO and one-time love interest of the Notorious SBF was photographed inquiring after a barista position in New York on Sunday.

Currently undergoing acute amphetamine withdrawal, the former billionaire later tweeted, “Great interview!  Nothing like regular caffeine use to make you appreciate how dumb a lot of normal, non-medicated human experience is!”  

According to sources, Ellison was somewhat evasive when answering interview questions regarding her past work experience.  She did, however, claim to be detail-oriented, have exceptional customer service skills and have an above second grade understanding of mathematics and finance.

Sources say management rejected her request for a $500 million sign-on bonus, but were willing to consider her request for afternoons off, as Ellison claims she’s presently interning at a nearby office of federal prosecutors.      

Meanwhile in the Bahamas, there was little activity Sunday at the former polyamorous penthouse pleasuredome turned monoamorous gloom room of doom where Sam Bankman Fried is currently hunkered down.  Sources report witnessing SBF skulking around the exclusive Albany Resort compound in a bathrobe, muttering incoherently to himself.

The disgraced former FTX founder has been engaged in a flurry of media appearances as of late, speaking with just about anyone willing to listen to his tale of woe.  In a recent appearance on The Cryptomancer podcast, SBF answered charges that he defrauded investors:  “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started this that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know.”

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