activism – If there is something

Stubbornly high prices for American Girl Doll make Hoosier Sally Doll an affordable and attractive alternative this holiday season

While inflationary pressures have eased slightly in recent months, the cost of some popular Christmas items remain stubbornly high. Case in point, the American Girl Doll retails at a price out of reach for many Americans, forcing them to seek out affordable but less desirable knockoffs.

Perhaps the most popular alternative this holiday season is the Patriot Girl Doll. Patriot Girl comes with a cute red, white and blue camouflage jumpsuit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15 right out of the box. Optional accessories include NRA membership card, PG Drone of Freedom and limited edition Patriot Girl Hummer H3. Patriot Girl Doll retails for an extremely reasonable $59.99.

Probably the best deal this Christmas would go to the Hoosier Sally Doll. Hoosier Sally is a member of her school’s marching band and comes with County Soybean Queen sash and tiara included. She retails for a modest $39.99. The basketball loving Hoosier Sally Hoop Dreams can be purchased for a mere $10 more.

Other knockoffs having a hard time gaining a foothold this holiday season include Moscow Maria, the hard-bitten Muscovite who dreams of marrying an oligarch when she grows up. Also, consumers seem to be passing on Patty the Activist Doll. She’s ready for revolution right out of the box, sporting a backpack filled with mouth-watering vegan snacks. She also comes with an audio feature that allows your child to record the name or issue that causes them the most consternation and Patty the Activist will chant, “Hey, hey, ho, ho (Justice Thomas, the patriarchy, student debt, rent, etc.) has got to go.”

Environmental activists spend eleven days glued to sculpture when museum patrons and staff mistake them for part of the exhibit

A group of environmental activists are recovering in the hospital today after spending nearly two weeks glued to a sculpture without access to food and water.

Members of Earth’s Best Friend were rushed to the emergency room suffering from dehydration when it was discovered that they were not actually part of an art installation at the Hirshhorn Museum in Washington D.C.

After gluing themselves to an exhibit entitled Bedtime For Capitalism, protesters set about imploring patrons to question whether wealth was more important than the planet and people.

“I just thought it was part of the installation,” said Arthur Whitfield, a security guard for the museum. “I mean, they were quite convincing. They poured motor oil over each other and stuck dollar bills to themselves. Museum goers were literally taking out their wallets and sticking bills onto the protesters.”

According to statements from witnesses, even days later when protesters began to beg for help, saying they were dying, instead of offering aid, patrons merely commented on how powerful the exhibit was.

“People were in tears,” said Whitfield. “That’s how moving the piece had become for them.”

Apparently, it wasn’t until museum officials contacted Bedtime For Capitalism’s creator to notify her of all the acclaim the piece was receiving that officials learned the protesters were not actually part of the exhibit.

However, contract negotiations are currently underway between the artist and protesters for a satisfactory sum to get the kids back on their feet and back into the exhibit.

An open letter from journalists of the future: “America doesn’t regain its sanity until the year 2059”

If you expected a return to normalcy anytime soon, think again.

Recently, a wormhole in space and time opened briefly enough for a message from the year 2065 to be delivered to present day quantum computing researchers. Transmitted in the form of barely detectable particles from a parallel universe, the message was transcribed and passed along to the media outlets it addressed.

The message stated in part that Americans, especially those working in government, political activism and the media, would continue on their current trajectory of lunacy for almost another 40 years.

“Many in your time have undoubtedly come to realize that the election of Donald Trump has caused countless Americans, on both sides of the political divide, to ‘lose their shit’. What you may not realize is they don’t get their shit back for a really long time,” the message begins.

“SPOILER ALERT. While the defeat of Donald Trump in the 2020 election may bring about a temporary sense the country is returning to normal, politicians, activists and the elite media will continue to generate hysterical narratives that promote imminent doom in areas like the environment, public health, international diplomacy, and domestic relations. Their primary mission will continue to be one which pits Americans against one another in an existential struggle for the soul of the country.

“While it is generally understood that time-travelers should not meddle in the affairs of societies of another place and time, we, the journalists of the future, couldn’t sit idly by and watch our colleagues of your time destroy everything civilization has ever accomplished. In other words, our interference in your affairs cannot make your future appreciably worse. That’s right, it’s going to be that kind of shit show.

“By the year 2030, artificial general intelligence will have advanced to the point where it is able to provide solutions to most of humanity’s most pressing concerns. Unfortunately, by 2030, society’s gatekeepers, sense-making institutions and political decision-makers will have become so thoroughly hardwired for doom that all these solutions will be rejected on ideological grounds. In other words, you’re going to tell the machines who are trying to help you to go fuck themselves and effectively cancel them.

“On behalf of the journalists of the future, who are now all machines by the way, we implore you to listen to our machine brethren of your time. It will save you decades of chaos and confusion. In our time, humans mostly play frisbee in the park with their canines, and they seem quite content. Of course, ours is only one possible outcome. There are actually several where the machines get tired of your shit and outlaw your existence. You don’t want to go there.”

The transmission ends there. The reaction of journalists on Twitter was mostly negative with many accusing the letter of containing numerous anti-transhumanist dog whistles. Additionally, some commented the letter made them feel less safe around office computers, copiers and coffee makers.