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Biden campaign team to promote success of “Hunternomics”

White House officials today embarked on a nationwide television and social media blitz to promote the runaway success of their “Hunternomics” economic miracle. The effort is designed to remind Americans ahead of next year’s elections of how unquestionably awesome their lives have become under the leadership of the Biden family.

Administration officials expect the American media to snort up the news like a newly discovered line of blow and eagerly regurgitate the message with all the coherence and self-importance of a rambling cokehead.

A hallmark of the Hunternomics miracle was the transfer of trillions to the richest corporations and individuals, while small businesses and families were crushed under the weight of Covid restrictions. Average Americans watched their savings decrease under the pressure of high prices and the worst inflation in 40 years.

“Hunternomics extorted trillions out of the Fed, a portion of which was doled out to struggling Americans who generously turned around and passed that money onto the richest Americans in the form of inflated prices. That’s a win, win in our book,” said White House economic advisers Jared Bernstein and Heather Boushey in a press release.

“Hunternomics is real,” President Biden reminded a roomful of union reps at a luncheon in Washington. “My boy is single handedly pressuring foreign companies to return millions right back here to the U.S.A. Now how about showing your appreciation by casting your vote for the big guy.”

West Wing Cocaine Cubby longtime gathering spot for DC power brokers

Facts continue to emerge regarding the discovery of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House. Investigators are now saying that their investigation, which they initially thought would take two weeks, should be wrapped up by Monday, and it is unlikely a culprit will be found. That’s good news for the American public who were hoping this incident could be quickly put to bed without a satisfactory resolution.

Additionally, former White House and executive branch staffers have come forward to provide some background on the location where the cocaine was discovered. Historically, the West Wing entrance area between the foyer and the lower-level lobby has been referred to by those in-the-know as the West Wing Cocaine Cubby. It’s a place where high-powered executive branch staffers gather to blow off a little steam.

Established during the Nixon administration, the Cocaine Cubby became a popular refuge for White House staffers at times of national crisis and during high-stakes negotiations. It was temporarily discontinued when President Carter learned of its existence, but reopened under Reagan when the administration was rolling in blow and using the drug as currency to negotiate illicit arms deals.

It is said that, back in the 70’s, Henry Kissinger brokered a number of international agreements out of the Cocaine Cubby. The disco atmosphere, mixed drinks and hedonistic pleasures offered by the Cubby frequently caused the most stubborn diplomats to soften their hardline positions.

Now that the Cocaine Cubby’s existence has been revealed to the wider public, West Wing watchers say its future is uncertain. “This could be curtains for the Cocaine Cubby,” said one White House insider.

Retired 70’s cop brought in to “fingertip” identify White House cocaine

New information is emerging regarding the cocaine discovered in a White House storage closet Sunday. Sources close to the situation are reporting that the Secret Service called in a retired 1970’s detective to perform a fingertip taste analysis on a “suspicious substance.”

After licking his pinky, dipping it into the mysterious white powder and touching it to his tongue, the detective was instantly able to identify the substance as cocaine.

“Yeah, that’s booger sugar,” the detective told a perplexed group of Secret Service agents. “Blow. Cocaine. That’s the good shit too. Medical grade. That ain’t no street coke.”

According to officials, further analysis confirmed the substance to be cocaine hydrochloride, which is commonly used as a local anesthetic.

Discovery of the substance prompted officials to immediately evacuate the White House. However, once the cocaine was determined to be of the “non-hazardous” variety, White House employees were allowed to resume their usual activities.

Investigators initially speculated that a White House tour group may have been responsible for bringing the substance into the building. The 70’s detective immediately poured cold water on that theory.

“Oh sure, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson from Dayton, Ohio just decided to duck into a storage closet for a quick bump in the middle of their White House tour. How the hell would they know about a secret room to pack their nose?” the detective barked at investigators. “This involves somebody who works or lives here. Check everybody who’s had access to the building for the last 72 hours. That coke didn’t taste too fresh. It could’ve been there for days.”

The 70’s detective is part of a new program to repurpose retired narcotics investigators who are able to provide faster, more accurate and complete in-the-field information than drug sniffing dogs and expensive chemical tests. This detective’s handling team refers to him as the Bad Lieutenant.

“We’re looking for someone with an intimate knowledge of every nook and cranny of the White House. Not to mention someone brazen enough to ride the old white train in the most heavily secured building in the country. Now ask yourself, who would have the clangers to do something like that? Hell, they were probably having sex in there, humping like a couple of jackrabbits,” the 70’s detective speculated.

Fauci Hears A Hu

Despite recent revelations identifying three scientists at the Wuhan Lab as the first suspected cases of Covid-19, Dr. Anthony Fauci is standing by his public assertions that U.S. funded gain of function research was not performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the Covid-19 virus was the result of zoonotic spillover.

“Information provided by U.S. intelligence reports indicates that the coronavirus outbreak was indeed zoonotic in origin and that the culprit was a wild Hu. I believe officials are now saying that the wild Hu became loose inside the Wuhan Lab and that it infected other scientists, which eventually led to the massive outbreak infecting billions across the globe,” Fauci said in a statement.

In the past Fauci and other public health officials have pointed to pangolins and racoon dogs as possible sources of the coronavirus outbreak. The recent information identifying Wuhan scientist Ben Hu as patient zero has Fauci feeling vindicated.

“From the start we have maintained that no gain of function research was performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the virus was not man made. Now that we know that this strange, exotic Hu creature was the cause of the pandemic, and that myself and my colleague, Dr. Francis Collins, were in no way responsible for a coverup relating to the origins of Covid-19, I think a huge apology is in order by Senator Rand Paul and others who have questioned our credibility and our reputations as scientists,” Fauci said.

Fauci further indicated that he is not done investigating Covid’s origins, and that he owes it to The Science to get to the bottom of this outbreak.

“How this Hu creature came to be infected is anybody’s guess. I’ve consulted with my colleague, Dr. Seuss, who has written a very good paper on this subject, but it is yet unclear what might have infected the Hu. Perhaps a Sour Kangaroo or some other such exotic beast,” Fauci said.

Ice Cream Joe to pull chocolate milk from schools

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. Department of Agriculture is considering a ban on chocolate milk for elementary and middle school students. The USDA claims the added sugar content of flavored milk is too high and can be as much as soda.

Asked to comment on the proposed ban, President Joe Biden deftly sidestepped the issue.

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m Dr. Jill Biden’s husband and I eat Jeni’s ice cream — chocolate chip,” Biden said between licks on a freshly scooped cone. “I came down because I heard there was chocolate chip ice cream. By the way, I have a whole refrigerator full upstairs. You think I’m kidding? I’m not.”

The move to ban chocolate milk comes as federal regulators continue their quest to make school lunches as bland and devoid of nutrition as humanly possible.

However, dairy advocates say flavored milk provides vital calcium, potassium and vitamin D lacking in most kids’ diets.

“As I’ve told my distinguished friend from Massachusetts – a good friend, Senator Markey – it’s really very, very dull when after all these years in public life, you’re known for two things: Ray-Ban sunglasses and chocolate chip ice cream. Very dull president,” Biden said, continuing to dance around the issue.

In addition to America’s children, the administration seeks to steer President Biden himself toward a more healthy diet that includes more fish and veggies. As Axios recently reported, “Some Biden aides have long noted that he eats ‘like a child,’ with a food palette that skews beige.”

Clearly, the bright individuals in charge at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue believe our nation’s president and our nation’s youth need to stop skewing brown or beige and develop a more mature food palette.

Whatever the administration and the USDA decide, the big guy pledged his support by issuing another ice cream metaphor, “Let’s go. Let’s go lick the world. Let’s get it done.”

Market analysts recommend putting money in Funyuns as a hedge against economic uncertainty

With the closure of Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank last March, and the more recent collapse of First Republic Bank, investors are scrambling to find a safe place to store their wealth as the economic outlook continues to darken.

Some are looking to gold or bonds to weather the coming storm, but analysts urge investors not to overlook Funyuns. Funyuns has traditionally been a safe and reliable investment during tough times.

“Funyuns has outperformed all other investments and the market as a whole going back decades. Throughout the 2008 financial crisis, Funyuns’ stock performed like a champ, outpacing commodities and precious metals,” said Jordan Moneyheffer of Moneyheffer Investments.

For most analysts, Funyuns’ resilience during tough times makes sense. They cite the desire on the part of consumers to turn to comfort products and old familiar brands when the future is uncertain.

“Funyuns is well positioned to ride out the approaching headwinds. In recent years, they’ve made some strategic investments, including an exciting new extrusion process for shaping that delicious cornmeal into the fabulous shapes we’ve all grown to love. Additionally, they’ve made moves behind the scenes, acquiring domestic flavor production capacity to ensure that captivating flavor will be exclusive to Funyuns for decades to come,” Moneyheffer said.

Even cautious investors remain bullish on Funyuns.

“Listen, if you can’t get excited about Funyuns, then what kind of jaded, joyless prick are you anyway? A world where investors are bearish on Funyuns? Dude, I don’t even want to think about that,” Moneyheffer added.

Drag queen one hour oil change to roll out in fifty cities

Riding the success of drag queen story hour and other fun family drag events, the drag queen industry is expanding its offerings into additional areas where its services are sorely needed. The drive for expansion is part of an effort to increase awareness and inclusivity into spaces where drag queens traditionally have been underrepresented.

Drag queen one hour oil change is currently being rolled out in multiple cities across the country. Customers can download an app for their phone and schedule a drag queen to come to their home or work and change the oil in their car. The service typically runs $99.95, and for an extra $50 the drag queen will perform an interpretive dance on the hood of your vehicle. Drag queens will also top off all your car’s fluids and check the tire pressure for no additional charge. Early feedback seems to be mostly positive with customers raving that their car has never been serviced with more elegance and grace.

Drag queen home window washing is another service gaining traction in various parts of the nation. For $20 per window, the drag queens will make your glass sparkle more intensely than their eye make-up. The push to get drag queens out into the community cleaning windows stems from an effort to generate more inclusive spaces and increase drag queen visibility. In case you missed that drag queen at your library, or on your television or computer, you can now simply look out your window and there she is.

Depending on the success of these programs, officials see the drag queen industry expanding still further into areas like drag queen roadside assistance, drag queen 24-hour plumbing repair and drag queen landscaping and lawncare.

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as ChatGPT alternative

Seeking to capitalize on the success of ChatGPT, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries. The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards. What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings. “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it. Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry. Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services. “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps. He’s working for us 24/7. It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,” said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said. “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities. Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator. Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”

Regulators warn California’s largest pot dispensary on the verge of collapse

State regulators warned Tuesday that California’s largest cannabis depository is on the verge of closing its doors if a buyer doesn’t step in soon. The California Cannabis Reserve came within hours of shutting its doors after news began to spread that it could not cover all of its obligations.

“California Cannabis is the largest supplier to all other dispensaries. If it goes down, it takes the whole industry with it,” said marijuana industry analyst Richard Smoker.

News of CCR’s imminent demise sent shockwaves through the pot industry, leaving consumers wondering if they will be able to withdraw weed from their neighborhood dispensary. Many potheads were lined up outside dispensaries Tuesday, clamoring to make a weed withdrawal before the supply dried up.

President Biden addressed the media today to assure Californians that the weed supply was safe and that withdrawals of up to 2.5 ounces have the full backing of the United States government. “The nation’s weed reserves are strong and plentiful. California’s not going to go dry on my watch and neither will the rest of the country,” Biden said.

Biden went on to say that he’s appointing his son, Hunter, to lead an advisory committee tasked with recommending regulations to strengthen the fragile pot industry. “I trust that my son Hunter will devise a solid plan to ensure that future generations will never lack for doobies. A bud in every bong,” the president promised.

Walmart to close two stores in Portland, putting 1500 shoplifters out of a job

Walmart has announced it will close its two remaining stores in Portland, Oregon, throwing 580 employees out of work and leaving over 1500 shoplifters scrambling to find another location to ply their trade. The retailer’s decision coincides with a mass departure of businesses from the city over underperforming revenue due to theft and other factors.

Reaction to the news was mixed with some shoplifters complaining that the large retail theft operations had made it nearly impossible for the smaller shoplifters to do business. “You got these big-time operations that come in here with their smash and grab mob and their dozens of vehicles and just wipe out the store’s whole stock, leaving just a few scraps for the small ‘mom and pop’ shoplifters to fight over. Now there ain’t going to be nothing. They ruined it for everybody,” said one man, identified only as Sneaky Pete.

Others complain this has been a ‘mom and pop’ conspiracy from the start. “Everybody knows that when these big-boxers moved in, they ran all the ‘mom and pop’ businesses out of the area. Now ask yourself, who benefits from these big retailers shutting down? That’s who’s been committing all these robberies. It’s the revenge of mom and pop,” said one disgruntled patron.

Meanwhile, at a nearby park a make-shift marketplace has sprung up specializing in “recovered retail.” One independent retailer seems unbothered by the news of the Walmart departure. “Come on by Five Finger Freddy’s. We got the lowest prices in town – guaranteed,” the man boasts.