NASA to attempt to play Asteroids at scale

Tonight at 7:14 p.m. ET officials at NASA will insert an inflation adjusted three quarters into their specially designed gaming console and attempt to play the popular 80’s video game Asteroids at scale.

Guiding their DART spacecraft perilously through a field of randomly moving asteroids, NASA officials will specifically target the Dimorphos asteroid moonlet.  NASA officials expect a number of engineers to take turns guiding the spacecraft to its target. 

This is believed to be NASA’s first attempt to recreate video games at scale.  In 2006, NASA made plans to develop a live action video game after detecting columns of space invaders slowly advancing towards earth.  However, the strange space creatures mysteriously disbanded before NASA had a chance to zap them.

If the mission is successful, NASA plans to deploy the technology to repel space objects that have the potential to collide with earth.

The private sector also appears to be getting in on the action.  According to reports, Elon Musk’s Boring Company is currently in the process of developing a large, yellow, disembodied mouth capable of munching and swallowing nearly everything in its path.  However, the mouth seems particularly vulnerable to ghostly apparitions.  Boring Company engineers are currently working on developing a power pellet capable of rendering the ghosts vulnerable to the large, disembodied snapper.

Scientists again detect emissions from Uranus

Barely a year has passed since scientists detected gas leaking out of Uranus.  Unable to confidently pin down the source of the gas at the time, scientists mostly took a whoever smelt it dealt it approach to the puzzling discovery.  Well, now it seems the noxious planet is at it again, only this time Uranus appears to be emitting x-rays.  It still isn’t known if the lazy little world which lies on its side all day is simply reflecting emissions from the sun or is producing the emissions itself.

“I guess there’s only one way to get to the bottom of this.  We need to send some equipment up there to probe Uranus.  A properly equipped Uranal probe could provide the answer regarding whether the emissions originate from elsewhere, or if their occurrence is due to some astral-intestinal malady?” says Grant Snyder of NASA’s Chandra X-ray Observatory.   

However, most scientists consider probing Uranus too hands-on and costly, preferring to monitor the planet’s activity from afar.  

“I think more compassion is in order.” says Steven Smeltz, of New Mexico State University.  “We need to study its daily habits and develop a more comprehensive understanding of Uranus.  Only after extensive observation should we even consider ordering a scope or collecting a sample.  All planets produce emissions.  It’s totally natural.  However, for some reason, everybody looks to Uranus whenever a new discharge is detected.  Everybody wants to know, what’s up with Uranus?  Hey, check out Uranus.  Enough with the wisecracks, people.  Stop talking out your ass and give Uranus a break.”

Group seeks to make ‘air guitar’ less white and less male

A group of men in Toledo, Ohio is doing their part to make one of their favorite activities a little more inclusive.  The group was inspired to take action after reading stories in the Washington Post and the New York Times about Apollo 11 era NASA’s almost entirely white, male culture.   

“For pretty darn near going on forty years, me and my buddies have been getting together, drinking a few beers, listening to records, and when the mood strikes us, playing a little air guitar,” says Dennis Johnston.  “Well, after reading a few newspaper articles, penned by some very insightful journalists, it began to occur to me that maybe I’d been wielding my air guitar as a tool of oppression.”  

Unable to shake off the wise words of those east coast journalists, Johnston describes an evening  when he tried tuning out of the key of privilege, and into the key of inclusivity.  

“One night I’m just sitting there watching my buddy, Darryl, lose himself in a Free Bird guitar solo.  Now, Darryl’s no slouch on air guitar, and I must have watched him play Free Bird a hundred times, but I got to thinking, I wonder how a female would interpret this solo?  Would she make the same red, sweaty facial expressions? Would she deploy the same clumsy gyrations and body contortions? Would she flick her tongue around in the same disgusting manner as Darryl?  Almost certainly not, I thought. Might she instead soar gracefully to the music, ride the bird’s wings, and paint a different picture with her air guitar?”

After that experience, Johnston set about trying to attract more women and non-whites to join their group of invisible axe wielders.  They set up a Facebook page and held open auditions, but their invitations seemed to attract only more older white dudes.   

“Sadly, it turns out women and people of color aren’t very interested in air guitar,” says Johnston.  “I had thought my implicit bias was discouraging others not like me from participating in our group. However, now I’ve got it on pretty good authority that some folks think air guitar looks kind of ridiculous.  Oh well, we’re still free as a bird, and this bird you cannot change.”