Joe Biden – If there is something

Instant Karmala’s gonna get you

Instant Karmala’s gonna get you. Going to knock you on the head. You better get your message together. And don’t be voting red.

Think of poor old Morning Joe, and the folks over at WaPo. They’ve all got second homes, you know. And a portfolio, well there you go.

Instant Karmala’s gonna get you. Going to gaslight you to sleep. Better get yourself together, darling, and get behind the veep.

They all said old Joe’s just fine. Nothing’s the matter with his mind. Then he spaced out on TV. For all to see, it’s not cheap fakery!

Well they all clown on. Like the news, politicians and corporations. Well they all clown on. Come on.

Instant Karmala’s gonna get you. Going to tell it to your face. You better get yourself together, sunshine, and join the presidential race.

It’s way bigger than you and me. It’s even bigger than TV. It’s just our democracy, they’ll fricassee! Just wait, you’ll see!

And they all clown on. Like the news, politicians and corporations. Well they all clown on. On and on and on and on.

Build Back Biden

Not long into last week’s presidential debate, it became apparent that the Biden operating system was timing out and beginning to power down. The President’s debate handlers desperately tried to get Lunch Pale Joe back on track, but to no avail. A frantic call went out to the President’s aides:

“White House, I can’t hold him! He’s breaking up! He’s breaking up!”

The mood among Biden’s team went from disbelief and denial to gloom and hopelessness in the span of a commercial break. Maddow, Reid and Wallace quickly surmised that Trump must have wielded some occult MAGA magic and surreptitiously cast a spell of confusion over the unsuspecting Commander-in-Chief.

After the initial meltdown had subsided, Morning Joe broke in to rally the Biden forces:

“Joe Biden, President, a man barely awake after 8:00 p.m. People, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better . . . stronger . . . faster. We can extend his hours past 8:00 p.m. They will say, ‘Joe never closes.’ They will call him, ‘24-Hour Joe.’ They will know that even if the dining room is closed, the drive-thru is still open. We can Build…Back…Biden. He will be the world’s first six trillion dollar president.”

‘Word-salad’ deciphering AI expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop AI capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble. Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant. The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork. “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously. Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves. The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making. It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently. The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer. “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies. You could literally carry it around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff. However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on X or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

Shrinkflation rebellion gains momentum

Ever since President Joe Biden exposed the shrinkflators in his Super Bowl address, companies that engage in this deceptive practice have been running for cover.

“Some companies are trying to pull a fast one by shrinking their products little by little and hoping you won’t notice. Give me a break. The American public is tired of being played for suckers. I’m calling on companies to put a stop to this,” the president said.

Sensing discontent brewing among the American electorate, Biden again spotlighted significant shrinkage in his State of the Union Address. With the fury of an old man sipping cold coffee at a diner, the president went after the snack food companies.

“Too many corporations raise prices to pad the profits, charging more and more for less and less. The snack companies think you won’t notice if they change the size of the bag and put a hell of a lot fewer — same size bag — put fewer chips in it. Snickers bars — you know that candy? Well, they haven’t raised the price of a Snickers bar. They just took 10% of it out. So, that’s how they’re making more money. It’s called shrinkflation. You get charged the same amount and you got about, I don’t know, 10% fewer Snickers in it,” Biden revealed.

Fueled by shrinkflation rage, consumers took to social media to express their anger.

“Me hate shrinkflation! Me cookies are getting smaller,” Cookie Monster posted on X.

On Reddit, one user posted a photo of two Snickers bars with the caption, “The size of a Snickers bar from 1980s vs one bought now. Shrinkflation!” Not only was the size contrast truly shocking, but the Reddit poster went on to reveal that the 1980’s Snickers tasted much better as well. “Shrinkflavor!”

Across social media, users began to post how much more Americans could get for their hard earned dollar in decades past versus today.

“Look how much more Ford you could buy back in the 1970s compared to now! #Shrinkflation!” posted one user on X.

“A personal computer in 1980 vs. today. Why shrinkflation? Why?” someone posted on TikTok.

Economist Paul Krugman slammed the door on the doubters, noting on X that the Shrinkflation Index was poised to achieve record levels this year.

Days later, President Biden unveiled his massive $7.3 trillion dollar proposed federal budget and issued a solemn promise, “Unlike these deceptive snack companies, I vow to never shrinkflate the size of the federal government. If you pay more to Uncle Sam, well by golly, you’re going to get more. You’ve got my word on it.”

Ice Cream Joe to pull chocolate milk from schools

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. Department of Agriculture is considering a ban on chocolate milk for elementary and middle school students. The USDA claims the added sugar content of flavored milk is too high and can be as much as soda.

Asked to comment on the proposed ban, President Joe Biden deftly sidestepped the issue.

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m Dr. Jill Biden’s husband and I eat Jeni’s ice cream — chocolate chip,” Biden said between licks on a freshly scooped cone. “I came down because I heard there was chocolate chip ice cream. By the way, I have a whole refrigerator full upstairs. You think I’m kidding? I’m not.”

The move to ban chocolate milk comes as federal regulators continue their quest to make school lunches as bland and devoid of nutrition as humanly possible.

However, dairy advocates say flavored milk provides vital calcium, potassium and vitamin D lacking in most kids’ diets.

“As I’ve told my distinguished friend from Massachusetts – a good friend, Senator Markey – it’s really very, very dull when after all these years in public life, you’re known for two things: Ray-Ban sunglasses and chocolate chip ice cream. Very dull president,” Biden said, continuing to dance around the issue.

In addition to America’s children, the administration seeks to steer President Biden himself toward a more healthy diet that includes more fish and veggies. As Axios recently reported, “Some Biden aides have long noted that he eats ‘like a child,’ with a food palette that skews beige.”

Clearly, the bright individuals in charge at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue believe our nation’s president and our nation’s youth need to stop skewing brown or beige and develop a more mature food palette.

Whatever the administration and the USDA decide, the big guy pledged his support by issuing another ice cream metaphor, “Let’s go. Let’s go lick the world. Let’s get it done.”

Biden to address nation’s Tater tot shortage

With emergency shipments of baby formula making their way to the United States, the Biden administration is now turning its attention to the country’s looming Tater tot crisis.

The Tater tot shortage came about after the Biden administration closed the nation’s only Tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho.

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953. No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of Tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable Tater tot. Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”

The manufacture of Tater tots is a highly specialized process. Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

The Biden administration has yet to come up with an alternative plan for manufacturing Tater tots. However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working Tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

Steve Kornacki spotted forecasting at a Starbucks drive-thru menu board

Since the 2020 presidential election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, Steve Kornacki’s fortunes have sunk like a stone. No longer needed to man the electoral college big board for MSNBC, Kornacki was recently spotted holding forth in a New Jersey Starbucks drive-thru. Witnesses report the popular cable news prognosticator was pointing and gesturing excitedly at the drive-thru menu board for patrons as they waited in line to place orders.

“He was waving his arms around wildly and manically explaining how the vanilla latte was maintaining a slight advantage over the white chocolate mocha. At times he seemed to pause and cup his ear as if someone were speaking to him through an earpiece, but I didn’t see anything,” said one Starbucks drive-thru customer.

“After I gave my order, he pointed to it on the screen and said, ‘See Honda Odyssey’s are breaking big-time for Caramel Macchiatos. We’ve been seeing it all night. Every time these results come in from a Honda, it’s Macchiato over and over again,’” one woman reported.

“Yeah, he was scribbling notes. Then he’d clutch his hair like he was thinking really hard. Then he’d start writing down numbers next to the items on the menu board. His eyes looked really wild and there were about a half dozen empty Starbucks cups at his feet. I mean, the guy was all hopped up on math and caffeine. I was worried about him,” said an unidentified male.

A Starbucks employee later found Kornacki passed out next to the dumpster. He was taken to a local hospital where he’s recovering from exhaustion, dehydration and temporary arithmetic psychosis.

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run.

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election. In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper. C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors. However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800. We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory.

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor. “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard. The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest. The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California. As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”

‘Word-salad’ deciphering algorithm expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop an algorithm capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.

That’s reassuring to campaign staff. However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on Twitter or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.