Trump eludes congressional oversight, may not escape Amazon oversight

This time Trump may have stepped in it.  Amazon has filed a notice in the U.S. Court of Federal Claims over a $10 billion dollar Pentagon cloud contract awarded to rival Microsoft.

Initially considered a frontrunner for the lucrative contract, Amazon Web Services watched the deal slip away after a presidential directive to ‘screw Amazon’ went out to then Defense Secretary James Mattis and the DoD.  

Suspecting political interference, Amazon would prefer to use traditional means to learn more about the awarding of the contract by deposing current Defense Secretary Mark Esper as well as Mattis and President Trump.

Barring traditional means, Amazon has indicated a willingness to utilize its extensive network of data devices and cloud access to uncover who said what to who and when.

“You don’t think all those Echoes and Dots are out there just sitting idly by waiting for someone to ask what’s on tv tonight, or those Kindles and Fires are waiting to take you on a magical adventure, do you?” asked Amazon’s AWS chief Andy Jassy.  “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Amazon’s surveillance reach extends well beyond the home and deep into the halls of power. President Trump would shit himself if he knew what we have on him. Actually, we have extensive recordings of the President shitting himself.  It’s really quite disgusting.  

“All this is to say, the president may get away with obstructing Congress, but when it comes to Amazon the truth will out.  Mr. President, you picked the wrong tech giant to fuck with.”

Pelosi deputy chief of staff astonished at video editing technology

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s deputy chief of staff Drew Hammill expressed his amazement Friday over a video making the rounds on Facebook showing President Trump delivering the State of the Union address interspersed with images of Pelosi ripping up the speech. 

“What these clever young fellows have done is take the entire State of the Union speech, extract a few short video clips, and then somehow piece them back together again, thereby creating a condensed version with only the most noteworthy parts.  I’m at a loss for words,” said Hammill in a statement directed at the popular social networking sites Facebook and Twitter.

“But get this,” Hammill continued, “these ingenious lads pieced it together in such a way that turns the dramatic moment of Pelosi ripping up the speech against her.  How clever is that?”   

Hammill could barely contain his disbelief.  “What is this foul magic they harness to rearrange video and reassemble it for their own nefarious purposes?  Whatever it is, the Democrats need to get their hands on it. Think of the possibilities. We could snip short clips of some of President Trump’s most outrageous and deplorable moments and reassemble them into a montage of disgrace and disrepute.  This could be a political game-changer. No longer would the viewer have to sit through hours and hours of tape just to get to the juicy bits. We could turn the president’s words against him. I am really going to have to work on this,” Hammill concluded.

Pelosi reveals impeachment starting lineup

“An impeachment dream team.”  That’s the language some pundits and lawmakers are using to describe the seven House members named to serve as impeachment managers in the trial of President Donald J. Trump.

Running point will be House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff with House Judiciary sharpshooter Jerry Nadler rounding out the backcourt.  

Hakeem Jeffries and Zoe Lofgren will highlight a formidable frontcourt, while Jason Crow, Val Demings and Sylvia Garcia will all see a lot of playing time.  Lofgren comes in with the most experience as this will mark her third impeachment go-around. 

“This will be an impeachment for the ages,” boasted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as she made the announcement.  “A stain on the president’s legacy for all eternity!”  

Somewhere, in the midst of his revelry, Bill Clinton winced as Pelosi drove home the historical permanence that bearing the mark of impeachment has on a presidency.

Analysts were quick to weigh in on the announcement.  “The president’s team will have it’s hand’s full. I look down this roster and I see all kinds of match-up problems for Team Trump,” offered Jeffrey Toobin, appearing on CNN.  “Who can guard Nadler? When Jerry Nadler gets out in open space, improvising and creating, who’s gonna stop him?”

Indeed, that will be the challenge Team Trump faces when it takes the court next week.  Although no official announcement has been made, The White House is expected to name Pat Cipollone, Jay Sekulow, Michael Purpura and Patrick Philbin along with others.

“I just don’t see how the president’s team gets it done,” continued Toobin.  “I mean, if you double-team Jeffries, then Zoe Lofgren is going to eat you alive.”

Internal documents reveal ice cream industry lobby behind Illinois weed legalization

If residents thought the effort to legalize weed in the state of Illinois was an entirely grass-roots organized movement, then it might come as something of a buzzkill to learn that powerful ice cream industry lobbying actually spearheaded the push.

Secret internal documents and private communications among industry insiders shows a highly orchestrated effort by Big Ice Cream to bring legal pot to the people of Illinois.

“Who stood to benefit? Who had the power?  These are the questions we asked ourselves as we began looking into this matter,” says Alex Downer of the ineffectual government watchdog group Responsibility and Integrity in Government, or RIG for short.  “You must remember, the cannabis industry is still relatively new and as yet has no politically connected corporate structure powerful enough to influence Illinois politics. If you want to be a political player in Illinois in general, and Chicago in particular, then you had better be sitting on top of a mountain of cash.”

The Chicagoland Ice Cream Manufacturers and Retailers Association seemed to be just such an organization.  “These guys figured out years ago that if they could bring legal pot to Illinois, the industry stood to reap the benefits of a 50 to 70 percent increase in ice cream sales,” added Downer.  “The leaked documents prove a conspiracy was afoot. In fact, the CICMRA even shook down their dairy suppliers in Wisconsin to help fund the lobbying effort.”

‘Lobbying’ is a term Downer uses loosely as it appears many Illinois legislators were rewarded handsomely for their vote.  “It should have been evident who was in the pocket of Big Ice Cream interests. At the time the legislation was under consideration, there was an ice cream van circling the capitol building everyday handing out treats and playing that infernal nursery rhyme:  ‘The more we work together, together, together. The more we work together, the happier we’ll be. Cause your friends are my friends and my friends are your friends….’ I mean, come on!  

“And that wasn’t the half of it.  We obtained one email where a very powerful government official, capable of delivering a lot of votes, detailed plans for his eight year old’s birthday party.  He wanted a dump truck load each of chocolate, vanilla, and mint chip ice cream dumped on his lawn for the kids to play on. Obviously, they called on the State Highway Department to provide the trucks.  He had his pool filled with soft serve, and witnesses say kids were running around squirting each other with super soakers filled with chocolate syrup and ready whip topping. The decadence is mind-blowing, man!”

However, don’t expect anyone in state government to be held accountable for a potential conflict of interest.  “RIG considered filing an ethics complaint until we were visited by a couple of goons going by the names Mr. Peppermint and Mr. Butter Brickle,” Downer explained.  “They encouraged us to drop the matter so we complied. I mean, what can you do? This is Chicago and this is Big Ice Cream. They don’t play.”

Newseum to close as paywall turns away visitors

Behind a $25 paywall and struggling to attract visitors, the Newseum in Washington DC will close its doors on Tuesday, ending its mission to educate the public of the importance of a free press.

Like so many news organizations these days, the Newseum struggled to attract eyeballs to its myriad of stories and exhibits.  “What are you going to do when you’ve got the National Gallery of Art across the street enticing visitors with eye catching and clickbaity exhibitions?  All free, by the way,” offers Sonya Gavankar the Newseum’s director of public relations.

President Trump even expressed his condolences on Friday, tweeting, “So sad to see the Fake Newseum closing its doors after ten years of deceiving the public, and its $25 admission fee truly made it an enemy of the people.”

However, in recent years some have questioned the Newseum’s choice of exhibits.  One interactive display entitled “Hail A Cab For A Drunk Journalist” offered the visitor an authentic 1970s era encounter with an inebriated newsman stumbling out of DC bar.  The participant struggles to hustle the overweight lush into a cab while the reporter brags about all the secrets he could spill, and vows that one day he’ll blow the lid off this town.  

Public urges several more days of impeachment debate from House lawmakers

Like one of those movies you wish would never end, the American public can’t get enough of U.S. House members’ remarks regarding articles of impeachment against President Trump.

The House Judiciary Committee is scheduled to vote Friday on articles of impeachment, setting up a vote by the full House next week.  However, some Americans wish lawmakers would spend an additional week or two endlessly preening and bloviating, in order to get a clearer picture of what’s at stake ahead of this crucial and historic vote.

“Oh, I’m glued to the tube,” said one New York City resident.  “Jerry Nadler is my man. He’s kind of like the Hitchcock of House committee chairmen.  He knows how to strike just the right balance of humor, suspense, and intrigue to keep viewers on the edge of their seat.” 

“It’s like C-SPAN on steroids,” said one Washington DC viewer.  “With so much riding on those votes for proposed amendments, it’s an emotional roller coaster for me, and I never want it to end.”  

Much of the day Thursday was spent in debate with lawmakers on both sides engaging in an engrossing volley of brief but insightful arguments for and against the proposed articles of impeachment.

“Wow!  That twelve hours flew by,” commented one observer from the gallery.  “What a captivating duel of penetrating and thoughtful analysis.”

Of course, every party has to have at least one stick-in-the-mud.  Rep. Tom McClintock of California was not enthralled by the proceedings, commenting,  “The same talking points have been repeated over and over again ad nauseam by both sides.  Repeating a fact over and over doesn’t make it true and denying a fact over and over doesn’t make it false – everybody knows this, everybody watching knows this.”   

Congressman Buzzkill continued, “This hearing’s been enough of an institutional embarrassment without putting it on an endless loop so if I could just offer a modest suggestion — if no one has anything new to add that they resist the temptation to inflict what we already heard over and over again.”  

Media ‘woke bots’ weigh in on Meghan Daum’s The Problem With Everything

The reaction to Meghan Daum’s new book The Problem With Everything has been entirely predictable.  So predictable, in fact, that most of the takes seem to have required no human effort, and could just as easily have been written by a media ‘woke bot’.  I’m not entirely sure that much of what passes for print journalism today isn’t written by some form of AI. Any one of Daum’s critics, exercising even the slightest bit of judgement or self-reflection, could have recognized that their reviews, far from dismissing Daum’s conclusions, actually come off in service of making her point. 

The ‘snark bot’ take appears under the byline Scott Indrisek writing for The Observer.  This guy has a serious obsession with Bret Easton Ellis and can’t string together a couple of sentences without bringing him into the conversation.  Anyway, amidst Indrisek’s many criticisms of The Problem With Everything, he does concede, “There should be room for uncomfortable conversations about whether the #MeToo movement has overstepped itself, or whether we need to tap the brakes on certain aspects of woke culture.”  This is not an uncommon sentiment among journalists and cultural critics. The problem arises when an individual or group decides to engage in these uncomfortable conversations in books, podcasts, or public discussions broadcast on YouTube.  People like Indrisek attack these writers and thinkers with charges of being racists and phobes. The ‘woke bots’ always talk about the need for uncomfortable conversations, but rarely care to engage in or with them.

On the “personal is political” front, Indrisek reacts to Daum’s admission that, “there’s no one I’d rather blame for my misfortunes than myself,” by snarking down with an asshole comment that Daum is “stumping for a keynote gig with Turning Point USA.”  How far out in the wilderness of leftist political ideology do you have to be to think that a concept like “personal responsibility” is the sole purview of right-wing political conventions? I hope the next time Scott Indrisek tries to hold anyone in his life personally accountable for anything, they tell him, “Get thee to a CPAC convention!”     

Another gem comes from Elisabeth Donnelly writing for Buzzfeed.  This writer is a long-time fan of Daum, but has found her recent flirtations with nuanced ideas and criticism of left-wing extremism troubling.  Of the “Free Speech YouTube” crowd, Donnelly says their “values of ‘reason’ …can easily be interpreted as hate speech….” To view Jordan Peterson, Bret Weinstein, or Sam Harris as promoters of hate speech requires a monumental act of willful self-delusion so great that one would have to sequester oneself in an impenetrable fortress of political correctness, effectively shutting out 90% of the country’s ideas and opinions.  Of course, is there any doubt that the Buzzfeed newsroom leases space in such a fortress of wokeness?       

Getting to the heart of her problem with The Problem With Everything, Donnelly writes, “instead of documenting her life experiences, something at which she excels, Daum spends far more time arguing over simplified conservative and liberal talking points.”  But hold on a second, baby snark bot Scott Indrisek says, “The Problem With Everything is at its weakest when it gets personal….” Jesus, both Indrisek and Donnelly write so forcefully, with such conviction, and such an air of authority that I couldn’t help but think that they’re professional critics and probably know what they’re talking about.  Could it be that one or both are wrong? Not being able to agree on the problem with The Problem With Everything reminds me of religious leaders who can’t agree on the most fundamental tenets of their faith, but nonetheless exhibit not a shred of doubt and are one hundred percent convinced they are correct. 

The New Yorker’s Emily Witt weighs in to provide a confused and exasperating slice of context.  Self-identifying as a Gen Xer because Witt’s only eleven years younger than Daum (okay?), Witt sets about writing a parallel take to The Problem With Everything where the nineties weren’t all that less politically correct than today, and the nihilism of the 2000’s necessitated the woke course correction we’re currently experiencing.  “It was people unburdened by Daum’s ideas about “nuance” who took to the streets after police shootings, and named the men responsible for serial sexual assault and harrassment….It is telling that Daum ignores the positive benefits of these movements, or the real risks to safety and reputation taken by the people who initiated them….Didion and Daum may have preferred the status quo of their respective eras, but those who were inclined toward change were always going to be accused of overreach, of making a big deal out of nothing, of refusing to take responsibility for their own problems.”  What is telling are statements like this that make you wonder if the reviewer even bothered to read the book. How could a writer for The New Yorker so completely fail to grasp the explicit message contained in the book she’s reviewing? Daum is fully supportive of outing the worst offenders of #MeToo and bringing them to justice. At no time does she ignore the positive benefits of the movement. To make this claim is to willfully mischaracterize Daum’s writing. And by the way, accusations of overreach are not just being leveled by a bunch of defenders of the status quo, they’re being leveled by female Harvard Law professors and increasing numbers of supporters of #MeToo.

The problem with asking complicated questions or presenting nuanced ideas or opinions is that they inevitably get smacked down with snark, willfully misinterpreted and misrepresented, and unfairly taken apart.  The title of Emily Witt’s New Yorker piece is “Meghan Daum to Millennials: Get Off My Lawn.” Whether Witt came up with that title or not, it’s clearly how she and the rest of the wokescenti care to engage with Daum’s work.  To them, Daum’s just an old, cranky, out of touch Gen Xer who doesn’t recognize the egalitarian utopian dream as it shapes itself right before her eyes.

Can you blame the media woke bots for missing the point?  After all, what is an intelligence rooted in identity politics to think of this passage from Daum’s book.  “Labels tamp down contradictions. They leave no room for cognitive dissonance. They deny us our basic human right to be conflicted …If you’re not conflicted, you’re either lying or not very smart.”  No doubt, the previously mentioned, unconflicted authors view this statement as a personal attack on them. They are sooo not conflicted. In these times of moral certainty, they’ve never felt more sure about anything than their woke programming that allows them to group ideas and arguments into distinct binaries: those that reinforce their faith and those that fall outside its boundaries.

Nuance, doubt and uncertainty are qualities not easily attained by a media ‘woke bot.’  They are mostly incompatible with politically correct ideology. Scott Indrisek writes that in The Problem With Everything Meghan Daum is “exposing her blind spots to the current issues that color our experience: race, gender, capitalism, the internet, and power.”  Because these are the issues that preoccupy most Americans, right? Perhaps these issues color the experience of media ‘woke bots’ and their devoted followers, but most Americans could give a shit about the left’s obsession with playing intersectional gymnastics.  Polling shows that nearly 80% of Americans, regardless of age, sex, ethnicity or race, think that political correctness goes too far. Is it any wonder that public confidence in the media is waning, and woke media outlets are struggling?             

Daum writes, “I’m convinced the culture is effectively being held hostage by its own hyperbole.  So enthralled with our outrage at the extremes, we’ve forgotten that most of the world exists in the mostly unobjectionable middle.  So seduced by the half-truths propagated by our own side, we have no interest in the half-truths roaming in distant pastures. So weary from trying to manage cognitive dissonance kicked up by our own gospel, we forgot to have empathy for the confusion of those grappling with their own doctrines.  We forget that in the end to be human is to be confused.” A statement like this could potentially get Daum in trouble on Twitter – a place where no one at either extreme is ever wrong about anything, and in the rare instance someone is shown to be incorrect, the offender simply deletes their Tweet, thus maintaining a spotless record of habitual truthfulness. 

“In the ensuing year, the feeling of irrelevance became a near constant companion.  It clouded my vision like the membrane on the eye of a lizard, shielding me from what I couldn’t comprehend, sparing me the mortification of my own cluelessness.  It had me both staring at myself in mirrors and avoiding mirrors. It had me lying awake at night contemplating the end of the world, or maybe just the end of my world.”  Throughout the book, Daum is her own harshest critic. She anticipates the criticism each line, each thought could potentially receive, which is why nothing the previously mentioned critics have written comes off as at all original.  The ‘woke bot’ algorithm is easily adopted by Daum, rendering their predictable responses a part of the larger point of The Problem With Everything.                     

Having put forth that nuanced thought is a debilitating burden that tethers one to the status quo, that reasoned argument is often just a euphemism for hate speech, and that personal responsibility is a value reserved for right-wingers, it isn’t hard to see why these critics completely miss the point of this work.  Incapable of any sort of self-reflection, for them the problem with everything is entirely focused outward on the nonbelievers, the unwoke. How dare someone lay the problem with anything at their feet.  

“Oh the irrelevance, the obsolescence, the creak of aging out before you even get old.”  There is a lot of great writing in this book, and a lot of thoughtful and illuminating introspection that all of us who are a part of the problem with everything should take a moment to consider.  Being a couple years older than Daum, I can appreciate the sentiment of aging out before you get old. However, I intend to fully embrace my obsolescence. I can think of nothing more liberating than being completely irrelevant, brimming with contradictions, conflicted and unsure.  Gen X lived mostly in the shadow of the Baby Boomers, perhaps enjoying a brief bit of relevance in the nineties and 2000s. Now the Millenials, a generation as formidable and narcissistic as their Boomer parents, have taken the reigns with a clear plan for establishing peace and equality, prosperity and sustainability for all on earth.  Not unlike the utopian dreams that drove their parent’s generation back to the earth and into communal living, this generation will probably save the world with political activism and tech. Maybe I’ll live long enough to enjoy it.

Cubs embark on ambitious 100 year plan to bring World Series title back to Chicago

Following the dismissal of Joe Maddon last month and this week’s hiring of new skipper David Ross, the Chicago Cubs have positioned themselves brilliantly for a run at a World Series title in 2119.

In Monday’s presser, Ross stressed accountability in his new role, impressing fans and building confidence that the wait to bring an MLB title back to the northside would last no more than a century.  “Today we begin laying the groundwork that will serve as the foundation for what this organization does a decade from now, which in turn will provide the infrastructure for future decades of construction, culminating in a world championship sometime long after I’ve passed.”

Cubs president Theo Epstein seemed to echo those sentiments.  “They say ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day.’ They say the pyramids of Egypt took decades to build and the Great Wall of China took centuries.  Someday they’ll say the same about the Cubs quest for a title. Wait a minute, I’m being told that story has already been written. Well, folks, get ready for the sequel.”

Some reporters questioned Epstein’s decision to let Maddon go.  In response, Epstein explained, “Look, Joe was the perfect manager for the perfect time.  But we want to look forward to a new time. The 2100s are going to require fresh thinking and a new approach.  I just don’t think Joe’s going to be up to it. Plus, he probably won’t be with us anymore.”

Regardless, after Monday’s announcement, a new spirit of hope and optimism seems to have pervaded the northside, built upon a recognition that a World Series title might now only be several generations away. 

Scientists observe quantum superposition of large molecules. Man’s dream of spending more time at the pub about to be realized.

For years, Ben Stump’s life crept along at its petty pace from day to day with little variation in routine and little hope for escaping its dreariness.  Then, suddenly, one miraculous morning, there was change. The sun shone brightly on Ben and old hopes and dreams at once came back into focus. On this morning, Ben read the news that scientists had demonstrated that giant molecules could be in two places at once.  It would be only a matter of time, Ben thought, before the miracle of quantum superpositioning would free him to do the same.

In addition to spending the evening on the sofa with the wife watching the most recent episode of The Voice, Ben could also be down at the pub, throwing back cold ones and chain smoking with his friends.  While he toiled at his unfulfilling job, he could simultaneously occupy a bar stool, eat peanuts and play scratch off tickets. Even during those monthly hook-ups with his wife, he wouldn’t have to miss one second of the football game as he would also be down at the sports bar bathed in the glow of a hundred big screen televisions.  “Oh glorious day,” Ben rejoiced!

However, in short order, dark clouds began to crowd out the sunlight that had momentarily entered Ben’s life.  He imagined himself seated on the sofa with Mrs. Stump watching Dancing With The Stars while simultaneously sitting with her in bed watching a Hallmark movie.  He couldn’t shake the thought of the pair attending church on Sunday while also spending the day antique shopping. The specter of the monthly hook-up doubled and then doubled again.  Horror stacked upon horror! Throwing away the newspaper, Ben vowed never to superposition himself again.

Add helping the elderly cross the street to the list of hate gestures

Last week saw the ‘OK’ hand gesture and ‘Bowlcut’ hairstyle added to a list of hate symbols used by far-right extremists.  Events in Hamilton, Ontario over the weekend would seem to indicate that consideration should be given to other gestures as well.  

Video posted online of an antifascist demonstration outside Mohawk College shows protesters taking a brave stand against the time-honored tradition of helping elderly people cross the street.  Masked antifascist protesters blocked a crosswalk outside the college, preventing an elderly couple from passing. Holding firm to their most deeply held antifascist convictions, the protesters shouted “Nazi scum” at the pair, one of whom was using a walker. 

“It’s been known for some time that fascists will often use kind gestures, like assisting the elderly, to signal other fascists in their midst,” said one anonymous antifascist protester.  “Of course, these practices are not just limited to helping someone cross the street. A fascist might hold the door for someone, or give up their seat on the bus to a pregnant woman. Although these gestures might seem harmless enough, make no mistake, these are symbols of hate, and if we have to inconvenience the elderly and disabled to take a stand against hate, then we’re willing to do it.”

The protests weren’t just confined to crosswalks, other antifascists blocked wheelchair ramps and pepper sprayed service dogs.  “Service dogs were big with Nazis,” said one protester clad entirely in black, an eye sporting a monocle peered over the top of his face mask as he brandished a telescoping baton.  “Fascism has many disguises,” he remarked, pointing at the elderly couple who had given up trying to cross the street and turned back.