Bloomberg demonstrates fitness to be president – spends half a billion dollars and has nothing to show for it

“Slow down and let the leader lead.”  Indeed, the Mike Bloomberg campaign has done something no one thought possible.  Capping off an historic three month spending blitzkrieg, the campaign can now point to its victory in American Samoa and proclaim, “Money well spent!”

Former crack addicts, chronic gamblers and recovering alcoholics looked on in envy, thinking, “I wasted fifteen years of my life on hookers and blow when, if I had applied myself, in just three months I could have amassed a handful of delegates for the Democratic nomination to be President of the United States.”  

As Wednesday morning dawned across America, many voters wondered if the pacific islanders might not be onto something.  After all, how could one better demonstrate one’s fitness to be president than by recklessly hurling stacks of cash at an intended outcome only to have nothing to show for the effort?

“Mike Bloomberg would make a first rate commander-in-chief,” says former Deputy Defense Secretary Casper Swinetrough.  “Anyone who could potentially be that careless with America’s pocketbook has got my vote. And, by the way, I’ve got several foreign military interventions we could invest in.  Additionally, I’ve got a list of a dozen or so nations in various states of disrepair that could use some rebuilding.”

Campaign staff urges Mike Bloomberg to refrain from personally stopping and frisking event attendees

Staffers for Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg are pleading with their boss today to halt the random stop and frisks he performs on attendees of campaign events.  Not surprisingly, the former mayor of New York is pushing back, characterizing the practice as a means of personally connecting with voters.

“I’m sorry if my staff views these personal moments I share with Americans as an inconvenience or an infringement on their time.  However, I very much enjoy the one to one contact I have with these individuals and their personal belongings,” said Bloomberg.

“One of the knocks on Bloomberg is his lack of charisma and his inability to connect with average Americans.  Aside from his obvious fondness for patting down and manually probing nearly everyone he encounters, he probably thinks he’s making a positive and lasting impression on voters,” observes MSNBC political analyst Hayes Matthews.

However, many campaign staffers are openly questioning the implementation of a new policy Bloomberg refers to as “voter forfeiture.”  Under this practice, Bloomberg often seizes something of value from the individual during the stop and frisk, promising to return it once they have cast a vote for him.  

The practice has raised more than a few eyebrows on the campaign trail, and has many crying foul.  “He relieved me of my engagement ring,” complained one attendee of a New York campaign event. “Now I have to postpone my wedding until after the election.”

Others complain that the billionaire allows his hands to linger a little too long over some search areas.  “Stop and frisk, my ass,” protested one event attendee. “He patted his way straight to my tush and wouldn’t move on till he got my endorsement.”

Don’t expect the policy to end anytime soon.  Said one staffer, “As long as Bloomberg has a reasonable suspicion that you might not vote for him, he’s probably going to let his fingers do the walking.”