Press reports Trump team on track for record number of “self-owns”

According to press reports, during its brief time in office, the Trump administration has already committed 511 “self-owns,” putting it on track to become the most “self-owning” administration since Woodrow Wilson.  President Trump heads up the “self-own” list with Elon Musk and administration spokesperson Karoline Leavitt occupying the second and third spots

“With our democracy hanging in the balance, documenting “self-owns” is more crucial than ever,” said HuffPost senior self-own sleuth Ed Mazza.  HuffPost has documented 327 “self-owns,” putting it well ahead of its closest media rivals on the “self-own” beat.  “Hilarious self-owns” lead the list with “epic self-owns” running close behind.

Perhaps the most “epic” or “meta self-own” came when President Trump was asked about his propensity to “self-own” and he mistook the reporter to say “cell phone.”

“Of course I have a cell phone.  What is this guy talking about?  Fake news.  Fake news,” the president remarked in what turned out to be a spectacular, reality-bending self-own.  

In addition to “self-owns,” the media has issued a record number of “brutal reminders.”  It appears the late night talk shows dominate the “brutal reminder” list, with Seth Myers pumping out scathing brutal reminders on almost a nightly basis.

How many more falsified documents are out there?

As the nation breathes a sigh of relief that a serial document falsifier has finally been brought to justice, some are starting to ask, “Why did it take so long?”  The 34 falsified documents that we know about happened eight years ago, begging the question, how many documents have been falsified since?  For eight years, this now convicted felon has been allowed to be in the same room alone with documents, hold documents in his tiny hands and even keep them in his mansion overnight.  What unspeakable lies has he committed to paper?  What diabolical alterations has he made?  

So far the only documents he’s been charged with falsifying have been in the state of New York.  Thanks to the tireless work of prosecutors there, the convicted felon will no longer be allowed anywhere near documents and will forever carry the shame of being a registered document offender.  But in the past eight years this man has traveled extensively and has resided in Washington D.C. and Florida.  Prosecutors in these jurisdictions owe it to the public to reinvestigate every instance of a falsified document to see if they can be traced back to this man.

The verdict just read, Americans are bracing themselves for the rioting and mayhem that is sure to follow.  News outlets like Reuters, MSNBC, The Independent and others are sounding the alarm as supporters of the convicted felon pour into the streets, like in a Batman movie, to unleash chaos on a peace-loving, non-document falsifying public.  Even now these hooligans are no doubt planning to commit billions of dollars in property damage, rip the heart out of our democracy and swallow it whole while it’s still beating.  Good thing we have a defiant media standing by ready to shine a spotlight on their misdeeds.

Dozens excuse themselves to use restroom during Seinfeld commencement speech

Approximately 30 students out of 7,000 attending the Duke University graduation ceremony were suddenly overcome with the urge to relieve themselves just as commencement speaker Jerry Seinfeld was about to deliver his address.  The barely perceptible exodus caused a bit of a stir as some booed the small group, while most of the attendees burst into chants of “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!”  Despite the minor interruption, Seinfeld’s fifteen minute speech was well received, eliciting frequent laughter and drawing several rounds of applause from the commencement crowd of 20,000.

It is not known whether any of the 30 students were able to make it back to their seats in time for Seinfeld’s closing remarks.  However, their absence caused a great deal of concern in the national media with dozens of outlets breathlessly covering the much publicized pee break.  NBC News, CNN, USA Today, The New York Times, Business Insider and many more characterized the paltry pee parade as a student walkout.    

No doubt the handful of urinators were pleasantly surprised to discover their restroom visitation received a tremendous amount of media attention.  However, the rest of humankind must have thought they’d entered the bizarro world when they woke to discover a pee story dominating the news cycle.  Many news consumers found themselves justifiably flummoxed over how such a low-level urination event could attract so much media scrutiny.  

One could understand all the brouhaha if a quarter to a half of the assembled crowd got up to pee simultaneously.  That would be big news, warranting much scuttlebutt and no small amount of hubbub.  But like a tenth of a percent?  Perhaps it’s only fitting that a Seinfeld commencement speech would attract so many stories about nothing.

Media clairvoyants intuit hidden meaning in viral country hit

Unbeknownst to most pop culture consumers, members of the elite popular media are in possession of exceptional powers of discernment that permit them to identify a particular pop culture phenomenon and expose the often hidden or obscured meaning behind the seemingly straightforward message presented.  

That’s how the press was able to alert everyone that the low-budget indie movie Sound of Freedom was actually a QAnon conspiracy flick that failed to depict a strictly factual and dispassionate account of the problem of child trafficking in favor of a more dramatic and sensational rendering of the subject.  Because why would a Hollywood movie take such liberties?

Then these remarkably observant media scribes succeeded in identifying an obscure country song that had slipped under their radar for several months and exposed it as a dog whistling call to violence.  

While all this was happening, most of us probably didn’t realize how this song and this movie were dividing our country.  If not for the heads up, fast action of the elite media, these pop culture hits had the potential to literally tear our nation apart.  

Now along comes the latest viral sensation that is not only sweeping the nation, but also pitting neighbor against neighbor.  “Rich Men North of Richmond: The hit song that has divided the US” a BBC headline proclaims.  Despite sensing a palpable tension in the air almost everywhere I go, I’ve been unable to put my finger on the source of unease that seems to be gripping the nation these days, that is until this informative article enlightened me.  Sometimes it takes an astute observer of American culture from across the pond, like journalist Caryn James, to alert someone to what’s going on in their own backyard. 

Although I’d heard the Oliver Anthony song a few times and seen the video on YouTube, I was unaware of the hidden meanings, the imperceptible dog whistles and the mysterious circumstances surrounding the song’s creation.  I just thought the country hit was the product of a poor, rural, working-man, pouring his heart out about his economic struggles and laying the blame for his troubles at the feet of the rich and politically powerful.  

Once again, I’ve been royally duped.  As Eric Levitz of New York Magazine points out, the song conceals some subtle racism that can’t be recognized unless you have ears to hear.  The line “people like me and people like you” to the untrained ear would undoubtedly refer to folks who work for “bullshit pay,” like Oliver Anthony himself.  The overworked and underpaid clearly seem to be who the song is for and about.  Not so, says Eric Levitz, there is something far more sinister at play here.  Levitz writes, “The sphere of the virtuous that includes Anthony and his target listener might not be racially defined…. But it is not unreasonable to wonder whether a color line divides those who deserve more to eat from those who deserve less, at least in the song’s account.”  

Again, I’m made painfully aware of my shortcomings as a music listener and consumer of popular culture.  Rather than give the song a direct and reasonable interpretation, I should instead engage in some “not unreasonable” speculation about what the songwriter actually means, despite the songwriter’s failure to provide any reference that would push the listener toward a “not unreasonable” conclusion.  Therein lies the power of the elite media scribe.  They possess remarkable abilities to intuit meaning where it has been so thoroughly obscured as to render it invisible to mere mortals like me.

Staying with “not unreasonable” interpretations for a moment, take another clairvoyant like Matthew Cantor of The Guardian.  He points out that Rich Men North of Richmond punches down because of one strange line that seems to call out welfare recipients.  Media professionals like Cantor always know which direction the blows are flying.  Nevermind the song title and the clear references to the rich and politically powerful, for media elites like Cantor, the song is an anthem to beating up on 300 pound welfare recipients.  

Additionally, Cantor, as well as a number of other elite journalists, seem to have a problem with Oliver Anthony “punching down” on mega-rich, now deceased pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.  “Still, a reference to politicians ‘looking out for minors on an island somewhere’ – apparently a reference to Jeffrey Epstein’s ties to elite figures – has also prompted speculation that Anthony could be nodding to QAnon, the far-right conspiracy theory positing that Democrats and Hollywood stars are drinking the blood of children,” Cantor writes.  

Inside each of these media clairvoyants, a QAnon alarm goes off everytime the subject of child trafficking, or the name of a known child trafficker is invoked.  Legions of right-wing bobble heads nodding to QAnon suddenly appear in their imaginations.  “‘Rich Men’ also nods to conspiracy theories and grievances that are deeply rooted in far-right circles. (QAnon believers often cite Epstein as proof that a global cabal of elites has been trafficking children.)”  The preceding nod is brought to you by Anne Branigin of the Washington Post.  

Clearly, my critical thinking skills are desperately in need of recalibration.  What I would interpret as a fairly straightforward populist protest song is actually a racist, QAnon conspiracy drenched beat down of the poor.  Presently, I’m not even going to touch on the astro turf conspiracy posited by these media elites that claims Oliver Anthony is not organically grown, but rather an artificial construct, the creation of right wing media figures like Matt Walsh or Ben Shapiro or some other mustache twirling conservative working behind the scenes.

Musk acquires Bullshit Mountain for $44 billion

Residents of Bullshit Mountain are fleeing in droves on news that tech multi-billionaire Elon Musk is purchasing the towering pile of crap that has fed and nurtured them for over a decade.  Musk is reportedly paying $44 billion for the social media platform which anyone with an ounce of sense knows is about $43.95 billion too much.

The most prominent natives of Bullshit Mountain, who contribute nearly 90% of the excrement that flows from its rivers and streams out into the rest of society, are concerned about what might happen to their precious dung heap now that the Tesla CEO and free speech promoter is about to seize control. 

Many prominent journalists, politicians, media and entertainment personalities have pledged to flee the platform in protest.  Apparently, this nurturing land of inclusion and unquestioning acceptance that they have so lovingly crafted over the years is now in jeopardy of turning into a psychically abusive hell-hole.  

Moreover, the political and intellectual elites who routinely mine truth from Bullshit Mountain are worried that the open inquiry and constructive debate they have so carefully cultivated will become irreparably harmed by Musk’s commitment to “free speech”.

As the old saying goes, “All politics and culture is downstream from Bullshit Mountain.”  Judging by the frantic behavior of its inhabitants, our golden age of truth and discourse may be coming to an end.

Facing irrelevance and unemployment, resistance media to pursue a “What if Trump had won?” project called Man on the High Escalator

Now that a Trump coup in January seems unlikely, some members of the media are scrambling to figure out what they’re going to do for the next four years.  Journalists and commentators at HuffPost, Buzzfeed, Vox and MSNBC face the very real threat of extinction now that they’ve defeated fascism with their panicked reporting and merciless tweeting. 

But what if they didn’t topple the dictator?  What if in some parallel reality Trump prevailed and the United States is still suffering under the capricious dictates of a ruthless authoritarian?  That’s the premise of a new television series being shopped around by a group of intrepid journos who are currently out of things to lose their shit over.

“Man on the High Escalator should allow us to continue cashing in on Trump hysteria for years to come,” said one reporter connected to the project.  “It’s pretty much going to be nap time at the White House for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, criticizing Biden will get your Twitter account locked, as we’ve seen with the New York Post.  So Man on the High Escalator gives us a creative outlet to continue to cultivate a high level of Trump induced anxiety.” 

The story will focus on a band of scrappy resistance journalists, forced by a repressive Trump regime to confine their words and reporting to widely viewed social media platforms, popular cable news television programs and freely available digital media websites.  Their stories will shine a light of truth on the Trump administration’s brutal authoritarian crackdown against any whiff of dissent, including the arrest of demonstrators who are often detained for hours and released without charges. 

Fighting fascism can be a lonely business.  Especially when your movement can rely only on the support of former Democratic establishment officials in exile, a number of the world’s largest and most powerful tech companies, and many current and former senior officials of the national security state.  Yet somehow these meagre few heroes of the underground take up the fight day after day and aim their Twitter fury at the heart of the tyrant. 

Look for Man on the High Escalator, coming soon to a streaming service near you.