Biden administration – If there is something

Biden campaign team to promote success of “Hunternomics”

White House officials today embarked on a nationwide television and social media blitz to promote the runaway success of their “Hunternomics” economic miracle. The effort is designed to remind Americans ahead of next year’s elections of how unquestionably awesome their lives have become under the leadership of the Biden family.

Administration officials expect the American media to snort up the news like a newly discovered line of blow and eagerly regurgitate the message with all the coherence and self-importance of a rambling cokehead.

A hallmark of the Hunternomics miracle was the transfer of trillions to the richest corporations and individuals, while small businesses and families were crushed under the weight of Covid restrictions. Average Americans watched their savings decrease under the pressure of high prices and the worst inflation in 40 years.

“Hunternomics extorted trillions out of the Fed, a portion of which was doled out to struggling Americans who generously turned around and passed that money onto the richest Americans in the form of inflated prices. That’s a win, win in our book,” said White House economic advisers Jared Bernstein and Heather Boushey in a press release.

“Hunternomics is real,” President Biden reminded a roomful of union reps at a luncheon in Washington. “My boy is single handedly pressuring foreign companies to return millions right back here to the U.S.A. Now how about showing your appreciation by casting your vote for the big guy.”

Biden administration seeks ban on 4-slice toasters

Days after backing away from a pledge to pull every gas stove from every kitchen in America, Biden administration regulators have now set their sights on four slice toasters, which they maintain are wasteful and contribute to a culture of needless gluttony and excess.

The administration’s Domestic Food Prep Regulatory Task Force has recommended the abolition of four slice toasters be accomplished in four phases. The first phase would scale back to three slices by 2024. The second phase would require all toasters be two slices or less by 2026. If all goes well, regulations would require toasters to accommodate no more than one slice by 2028 and completely eliminate toasters by 2030, the target year for which the United Nations mandates all nations revert to a toastless dystopian hellscape.

Naturally, the plan has elicited outrage from toast lovers all across the fruited plain. Protesters clad only in strategically placed slices of toast were arrested outside the White House Monday, and traffic was disrupted for several hours when a truckload of toast was dumped in the middle of a busy DC interstate.

California has already signaled a willingness to comply with the regulations, promising a complete ban on all toast including French and garlic by 2026.

A piece of toast depicting an image of the Virgin Mary was reported to have wept at the announcement.

When pressed for comment, the president of the American Toast Federation warned, “From my cold dead hands.”

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken.

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become. “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long. I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure. “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land. Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born. Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.”

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19. “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days. This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day. However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”