Tag: Hunter Biden

Biden campaign team to promote success of “Hunternomics”

White House officials today embarked on a nationwide television and social media blitz to promote the runaway success of their “Hunternomics” economic miracle.  The effort is designed to remind Americans ahead of next year’s elections of how unquestionably awesome their lives have become under the leadership of the Biden family.  

Administration officials expect the American media to snort up the news like a newly discovered line of blow and eagerly regurgitate the message with all the coherence and self-importance of a rambling cokehead.  

A hallmark of the Hunternomics miracle was the transfer of trillions to the richest corporations and individuals, while small businesses and families were crushed under the weight of Covid restrictions.  Average Americans watched their savings decrease under the pressure of high prices and the worst inflation in 40 years. 

“Hunternomics extorted trillions out of the Fed, a portion of which was doled out to struggling Americans who generously turned around and passed that money onto the richest Americans in the form of inflated prices.  That’s a win, win in our book,” said White House economic advisers Jared Bernstein and Heather Boushey in a press release.   

“Hunternomics is real,” President Biden reminded a roomful of union reps at a luncheon in Washington.  “My boy is single handedly pressuring foreign companies to return millions right back here to the U.S.A.  Now how about showing your appreciation by casting your vote for the big guy.”

Regulators warn California’s largest pot dispensary on the verge of collapse

State regulators warned Tuesday that California’s largest cannabis depository is on the verge of closing its doors if a buyer doesn’t step in soon.  The California Cannabis Reserve came within hours of shutting its doors after news began to spread that it could not cover all of its obligations.

“California Cannabis is the largest supplier to all other dispensaries.  If it goes down, it takes the whole industry with it,” said marijuana industry analyst Richard Smoker.       

News of CCR’s imminent demise sent shockwaves through the pot industry, leaving consumers wondering if they will be able to withdraw weed from their neighborhood dispensary.  Many potheads were lined up outside dispensaries Tuesday, clamoring to make a weed withdrawal before the supply dried up. 

President Biden addressed the media today to assure Californians that the weed supply was safe and that withdrawals of up to 2.5 ounces have the full backing of the United States government.  “The nation’s weed reserves are strong and plentiful.  California’s not going to go dry on my watch and neither will the rest of the country,” Biden said.

Biden went on to say that he’s appointing his son, Hunter, to lead an advisory committee tasked with recommending regulations to strengthen the fragile pot industry.  “I trust that my son Hunter will devise a solid plan to ensure that future generations will never lack for doobies.  A bud in every bong,” the president promised.