humor – Page 6 – If there is something

Massive interstellar doobie passing through solar system continues to puzzle scientists

Scientists have confirmed that an object first identified in 2017 passing through our solar system is a massive, deep space doobie hailing from a distant galaxy. Calling the object Oumuamua, astronomers have traced its origins to the Sativa star system located 35 light years away in the obscure Crystal Skull Galaxy.

Little is known about this hidden galaxy except observers in 2008 were able to identify a handful of habitable planets, and that deep radio bursts originating from that location were broadcasting Hawkwind’s Space Is Deep off their 1973 live album Space Ritual. This left scientists puzzled as to why a recording by an earthbound rock band would be disturbing the neighbors in a far flung galaxy.

“We don’t consider our music to be bound by this earth at all. It is totally unsurprising that our music is rocking outer space,” said Hawkwind founder Dave Brock in a recent interview.

The object is believed to be a minimum of 100 meters long and 35 meters thick, making it three times longer than the largest known terrestrial doobie. Unable to identify its means of propulsion, scientists have noticed that its tip usually glows more brightly when it accelerates, and that it emits a long swirling plume of exhaust.

Efforts to communicate with the object have produced modest results. Revealing a lack of familiarity with earth measurements of space and time, a communication from the space joint claimed it had been travelling for over 10,000 Dopesmokers, presumably referring to the length of time it takes to listen to legendary stoner rock band Sleep’s 1998 classic, Dopesmoker, which clocks in at a little over an hour long.

Astronomers agree more study is warranted. As for Brock, “Just imagine the wicked cosmic jam I could produce if I got a hit off that spliff.”

Foul brew

On a recent morning, I decided to grab a cup of dark roast coffee at a Starbucks I often stop at on my way to work. A great group of young people work there and they nearly always serve up a fine brew with kindness and courtesy. On this particular morning, however, things started going south shortly after I pulled up to the drive-through window. I gave the young man $2.85 for my $2.84 order, and he handed me the cup of coffee. Almost immediately, the 85 cents in coins seemed to confuse the young gentleman. Granted, I had fished around in my change drawer to come up with a quarter, five dimes and two nickels, and the combination of coins seemed to present quite a challenge to his powers of arithmetic. Eventually, he had to pull out a calculator to finish the job. In the meantime, I’m sitting there feeling like the lord of all tightwads while waiting for my penny in change, but I didn’t want to just drive off because sometimes I screw up and hand over the wrong amount. As I waited, however, a foul odor that can only be described as the smell of decomposition began to fill the inside of my car. Penny in hand, I began to pull away as the odor of dead, decaying animal carcass grew in power and potency. Thinking perhaps some varmint had crawled up under the hood and died, and the vent was blowing the smell into the cab, I quickly turned off the fan. But this did nothing to stifle the inescapable smell of death that now surrounded me. Then my attention turned to the cup of coffee. I picked it up and took a sniff. The horror! From what ancient crypt did this foul brew flow? Quickly, I weighed my options. There was no way I was going to drink this roadkill roast that currently sat in my cup holder. But I couldn’t survive a morning of work without a cup of joe. Fortunately, another coffee shop lay up ahead and I swerved into their lot. After pouring the java of death into a sewer grate, I went inside and explained my predicament to the young ladies behind the counter. They set me up with a fresh cup of brew for which I tipped them generously. I held the steaming cup to my nose and took a big whiff. Ahh, it smelled like charred wood and fresh dirt, just the way I like it.

People are talking about all the times they were “quiet baked” at work and the internet is buzzed

Quiet quitting, quiet firing, quiet hiring, it seems you can’t pick up the internet these days without reading about how the workplace is being transformed in very subtle ways by Millenials and Gen Z.

Sensing a change in attitudes about how we think and talk about work, Gen Xers are also beginning to unburden themselves regarding the unspoken practices they’ve brought to their working routine.

“I’ve been ‘quiet baked’ at work for decades,” said Roger Ambrose, a line cook at a very upscale Chicago eatery. “I used to wait until my shift was over to fire up a bowl, but eventually I just said, ‘fuck that.’ I need to establish a more healthy work/life balance.”

So Roger started getting baked before work, at break and sometimes even in the restroom. But rather than ask his supervisor for permission, Roger took it upon himself to quietly carve out a little time for himself to attend to his mental health.

“Well, the truth is, my boss was getting super stoned as well. I mean, he was so bloodshot and pie-eyed, I just figured he’d never notice if I snuck a toke or two,” Roger said.

“‘Quiet baking’ is a rejection of extreme ‘hustle culture,’” said leadership expert and Tik Tok guru Emily Armstrong. “These workers are turning their back on the notion that if they go above and beyond their regular duties, then they will be rewarded with raises, bonuses and promotions.”

“That sounds about right,” said Roger. “Often I make sure I get a little ‘quiet compensation.’ As long as I get the waitstaff ‘quiet baked,’ they don’t notice if a few bucks go silently missing from the tip jar.”

Shot callin’ Pickleballin’

Pickleball has found itself in something of a pickle. Its two biggest professional leagues have declared all-out war on one another, leaving fans wondering if the sport can survive this division within its ranks. Players are being forced to take sides and millions of dollars are at stake. Not since the East Coast-West Coast hip hop feud of the 90’s has a rivalry loomed so large in the public consciousness.

“I’m not saying this to be conceited, but usually when I call someone in pickleball they call me back,” Connor Pardoe, one of Pickleball’s biggest ballers, told Yahoo Sports. He’s the founder of the Professional Pickleballers Association. The gentleman not returning his calls would be Major League Pickleballs owner and billionaire Steve Kuhn.

We had a truce, but you was only stallin’

Since last November, an uneasy truce has reigned in the world of professional pickleball with players allowed to compete in both leagues. All that ended when Kuhn started recruiting pickleball’s top talent and offering million dollar contracts to the game’s biggest stars, household names like Tyson McGuffin.

It’s all a game until the bodies start fallin’

Both sides agree, a pickleball war isn’t good for anybody. But when so much money and power is on the line, the temptation to assert who has the biggest pickle gets in the way of peace and prosperity for all. Pardoe still holds onto hope, “We gave clarity to TV networks. We gave clarity to sponsors. We were able to put the Wild Wild West to bed. We had a tour where the best players played.…If I could bring that back, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

Experts propose increased smoking and hard drinking as solution to members serving too long in Congress

Diane Feinstein had difficulty casting a voice vote. Mitch McConell froze up for what seemed like an eternity in front of a gaggle of reporters. Incidents like these have many people wondering if members of Congress are staying in office too long. The Senate currently has five active members over the age of 80 while the House has 15. Californians are already having open discussions regarding who will replace Senator Feinstein, even though she has yet to announce her retirement and reports of her death are greatly exaggerated.

One policy institute thinks they have a solution. “We desperately need to bring back cigarette smoking and hard drinking among our congressional leaders,” says R. J. Morris of the Center for Integrated Solutions or CIGS. “In the past when Congress partied like it was 1979, heart attacks, strokes and terminal illnesses would cut short most politicians’ ability to serve beyond 70 years old. Now lawmakers think they’re just hitting their legislative prime when they reach 70.”

Many are skeptical that bringing back the smoke-filled rooms and alcohol-soaked bull sessions constitutes a viable path forward. They also point to CIGS receiving a bulk of its funding from the tobacco and spirits industries as a reason to question their motives. That’s why some experts have proposed term limits as a more realistic solution.

“Congress isn’t going to vote to term limit itself. The job is too lucrative. No, the only path forward is to get them hooked on smoking, and if they won’t smoke voluntarily, then we’re just going to have to pump second hand smoke into their congressional chamber. The myriad of health problems that can be achieved is only limited by our ability to imagine what is possible,” Morris says.

Biden campaign team to promote success of “Hunternomics”

White House officials today embarked on a nationwide television and social media blitz to promote the runaway success of their “Hunternomics” economic miracle. The effort is designed to remind Americans ahead of next year’s elections of how unquestionably awesome their lives have become under the leadership of the Biden family.

Administration officials expect the American media to snort up the news like a newly discovered line of blow and eagerly regurgitate the message with all the coherence and self-importance of a rambling cokehead.

A hallmark of the Hunternomics miracle was the transfer of trillions to the richest corporations and individuals, while small businesses and families were crushed under the weight of Covid restrictions. Average Americans watched their savings decrease under the pressure of high prices and the worst inflation in 40 years.

“Hunternomics extorted trillions out of the Fed, a portion of which was doled out to struggling Americans who generously turned around and passed that money onto the richest Americans in the form of inflated prices. That’s a win, win in our book,” said White House economic advisers Jared Bernstein and Heather Boushey in a press release.

“Hunternomics is real,” President Biden reminded a roomful of union reps at a luncheon in Washington. “My boy is single handedly pressuring foreign companies to return millions right back here to the U.S.A. Now how about showing your appreciation by casting your vote for the big guy.”

West Wing Cocaine Cubby longtime gathering spot for DC power brokers

Facts continue to emerge regarding the discovery of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House. Investigators are now saying that their investigation, which they initially thought would take two weeks, should be wrapped up by Monday, and it is unlikely a culprit will be found. That’s good news for the American public who were hoping this incident could be quickly put to bed without a satisfactory resolution.

Additionally, former White House and executive branch staffers have come forward to provide some background on the location where the cocaine was discovered. Historically, the West Wing entrance area between the foyer and the lower-level lobby has been referred to by those in-the-know as the West Wing Cocaine Cubby. It’s a place where high-powered executive branch staffers gather to blow off a little steam.

Established during the Nixon administration, the Cocaine Cubby became a popular refuge for White House staffers at times of national crisis and during high-stakes negotiations. It was temporarily discontinued when President Carter learned of its existence, but reopened under Reagan when the administration was rolling in blow and using the drug as currency to negotiate illicit arms deals.

It is said that, back in the 70’s, Henry Kissinger brokered a number of international agreements out of the Cocaine Cubby. The disco atmosphere, mixed drinks and hedonistic pleasures offered by the Cubby frequently caused the most stubborn diplomats to soften their hardline positions.

Now that the Cocaine Cubby’s existence has been revealed to the wider public, West Wing watchers say its future is uncertain. “This could be curtains for the Cocaine Cubby,” said one White House insider.

Retired 70’s cop brought in to “fingertip” identify White House cocaine

New information is emerging regarding the cocaine discovered in a White House storage closet Sunday. Sources close to the situation are reporting that the Secret Service called in a retired 1970’s detective to perform a fingertip taste analysis on a “suspicious substance.”

After licking his pinky, dipping it into the mysterious white powder and touching it to his tongue, the detective was instantly able to identify the substance as cocaine.

“Yeah, that’s booger sugar,” the detective told a perplexed group of Secret Service agents. “Blow. Cocaine. That’s the good shit too. Medical grade. That ain’t no street coke.”

According to officials, further analysis confirmed the substance to be cocaine hydrochloride, which is commonly used as a local anesthetic.

Discovery of the substance prompted officials to immediately evacuate the White House. However, once the cocaine was determined to be of the “non-hazardous” variety, White House employees were allowed to resume their usual activities.

Investigators initially speculated that a White House tour group may have been responsible for bringing the substance into the building. The 70’s detective immediately poured cold water on that theory.

“Oh sure, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson from Dayton, Ohio just decided to duck into a storage closet for a quick bump in the middle of their White House tour. How the hell would they know about a secret room to pack their nose?” the detective barked at investigators. “This involves somebody who works or lives here. Check everybody who’s had access to the building for the last 72 hours. That coke didn’t taste too fresh. It could’ve been there for days.”

The 70’s detective is part of a new program to repurpose retired narcotics investigators who are able to provide faster, more accurate and complete in-the-field information than drug sniffing dogs and expensive chemical tests. This detective’s handling team refers to him as the Bad Lieutenant.

“We’re looking for someone with an intimate knowledge of every nook and cranny of the White House. Not to mention someone brazen enough to ride the old white train in the most heavily secured building in the country. Now ask yourself, who would have the clangers to do something like that? Hell, they were probably having sex in there, humping like a couple of jackrabbits,” the 70’s detective speculated.

Fauci Hears A Hu

Despite recent revelations identifying three scientists at the Wuhan Lab as the first suspected cases of Covid-19, Dr. Anthony Fauci is standing by his public assertions that U.S. funded gain of function research was not performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the Covid-19 virus was the result of zoonotic spillover.

“Information provided by U.S. intelligence reports indicates that the coronavirus outbreak was indeed zoonotic in origin and that the culprit was a wild Hu. I believe officials are now saying that the wild Hu became loose inside the Wuhan Lab and that it infected other scientists, which eventually led to the massive outbreak infecting billions across the globe,” Fauci said in a statement.

In the past Fauci and other public health officials have pointed to pangolins and racoon dogs as possible sources of the coronavirus outbreak. The recent information identifying Wuhan scientist Ben Hu as patient zero has Fauci feeling vindicated.

“From the start we have maintained that no gain of function research was performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the virus was not man made. Now that we know that this strange, exotic Hu creature was the cause of the pandemic, and that myself and my colleague, Dr. Francis Collins, were in no way responsible for a coverup relating to the origins of Covid-19, I think a huge apology is in order by Senator Rand Paul and others who have questioned our credibility and our reputations as scientists,” Fauci said.

Fauci further indicated that he is not done investigating Covid’s origins, and that he owes it to The Science to get to the bottom of this outbreak.

“How this Hu creature came to be infected is anybody’s guess. I’ve consulted with my colleague, Dr. Seuss, who has written a very good paper on this subject, but it is yet unclear what might have infected the Hu. Perhaps a Sour Kangaroo or some other such exotic beast,” Fauci said.

Man still haunted by “unholy burrito”

A local man continues his recovery today after a frightening encounter Tuesday night with what he describes as an “unholy burrito.” Still visibly shaken, the man recalled the incident for reporters.

“I’d just finished a workout. I thought a carne asada burrito sounded good. They asked me if I wanted red salsa. I should have said no. I should have turned and gotten the hell out of there!”

But he didn’t. Instead, what followed was a night of merciless torment.

“Like a fiend from hell, that burrito pursued me through the night. It stalked me in my sleep and haunted my dreams. Every time I began to doze off, that monstrous burrito would appear to mock and scorn me. Sleep became an impossibility.”

After multiple visitations that frequently caused him to seek refuge in the lavatory, the man plucked up the courage to face down the unholy burrito.

“Foul beast, I said, be gone! I cast you back into the pit of hell from whence you came! Back you go into the fire that cannot be quenched!”

Presently, calm returned to the man’s life. Famished from the night’s adventure, he next set about securing a delicious plate of huevos rancheros.

What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards the tortilla to be born?