election – If there is something

Hollywood celebrities begin the process of mass self-deportation

Following Tuesday’s election of Donald Trump to the presidency of the United States, Hollywood’s elite are furiously making plans to flee the country.

Word has it, it’s getting hard for a celebrity out on these streets. First, the regime shut down the Diddy parties. Now, the land of the free stands poised on the verge of a hellish freefall into a dystopian, authoritarian nightmare.

Only one thing left to do if you live in Malibu or Bel Aire or 90210, give your domestic staff two weeks notice and book passage on a first class flight to freedom.

According to reports, America Ferrera is donning her traveling pants and taking her family to the UK. Sources say she’s also considering changing her name from America to Britannia.

“I am certainly considering a house in Italy. I think that’s an intelligent construct at this time,” Sharon Stone told the Daily Mail.

If you’re a person of abundant means, living in Italy would probably be pretty awesome. But politics might not be the most “intelligent construct” to flee California for a new life in Italy. Italy has their own little populist firecracker, and the reproductive rights laws are way more restrictive than California.

Say it ain’t so, Sophie Turner. She promised to “get the f*** out” of America and move back to Winterfell or King’s Landing or wherever she hails from if Trump won.

Cher’s gone. “I almost got an ulcer the last time. If he gets in, who knows? This time I will leave [the country],” she told the Guardian. She was married to Sonny Bono. This can’t be worse than that.

Wherever these Hollywood folks end up, the nations receiving them better posh up their immigration facilities pronto.

Steve Kornacki spotted forecasting at a Starbucks drive-thru menu board

Since the 2020 presidential election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, Steve Kornacki’s fortunes have sunk like a stone. No longer needed to man the electoral college big board for MSNBC, Kornacki was recently spotted holding forth in a New Jersey Starbucks drive-thru. Witnesses report the popular cable news prognosticator was pointing and gesturing excitedly at the drive-thru menu board for patrons as they waited in line to place orders.

“He was waving his arms around wildly and manically explaining how the vanilla latte was maintaining a slight advantage over the white chocolate mocha. At times he seemed to pause and cup his ear as if someone were speaking to him through an earpiece, but I didn’t see anything,” said one Starbucks drive-thru customer.

“After I gave my order, he pointed to it on the screen and said, ‘See Honda Odyssey’s are breaking big-time for Caramel Macchiatos. We’ve been seeing it all night. Every time these results come in from a Honda, it’s Macchiato over and over again,’” one woman reported.

“Yeah, he was scribbling notes. Then he’d clutch his hair like he was thinking really hard. Then he’d start writing down numbers next to the items on the menu board. His eyes looked really wild and there were about a half dozen empty Starbucks cups at his feet. I mean, the guy was all hopped up on math and caffeine. I was worried about him,” said an unidentified male.

A Starbucks employee later found Kornacki passed out next to the dumpster. He was taken to a local hospital where he’s recovering from exhaustion, dehydration and temporary arithmetic psychosis.

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run.

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election. In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper. C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors. However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800. We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory.

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor. “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard. The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest. The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California. As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”