Las Vegas police remove alien monolith citing safety and environmental concerns

A prism shaped alien monolith was recently discovered by Las Vegas Metro Search and Rescue in an area near Gass Peak about an hour north of the city.  The 77 inch structure had to be removed due to improper permitting and safety concerns.

“A message to the aliens: if you’re going to drop one of your monolith devices in our community, you better take out a permit,” LVMPD said in a post on Facebook.    

No one is exactly sure whether the aliens have a presence on Facebook.

“A communication monolith is subject to municipal and county zoning restrictions as well as FCC regulations,” the message continued.  “Before erecting an interdimensional portal device, one would need to go through an extensive permitting process and be approved by the city’s building department.  Also, a number of environmental impact studies would need to be performed.  Most of these permits can be obtained for a reasonable fee at the Clark County Building Department on Russell Road. 

“At this point, the monolith is in violation of several state and local ordinances.  It has been impounded and will be released to the owner when all fines have been paid and it is shown to be in compliance with said ordinances,” the message concluded.

Authorities confirmed no alien representatives have appeared at the police station to retrieve the monolith.  Some officials speculate the aliens may be abandoning attempts at global domination due to extensive and burdensome red tape.

Strange scenes in the alley 3

Anyone familiar with Strange scenes in the alley 2 might remember that a few months back I had to run off a couple of amorous young people attempting to have sexual relations in my driveway.  Why they wouldn’t realize that parking in someone’s driveway is bound to catch the attention of the property owner and prompt an immediate inquiry is a detail I still can’t wrap my head around.  However, lucky for them, I’m one of those “cool” cranky old guys, so instead of calling the cops as my wife had urged, I just knocked on their car window and berated the shit out of the lovestruck pair, causing them to go from on fire with passion to frightened scattering rabbits in a couple of milliseconds.  

So, a few nights ago, I woke up at 3:30 in the morning to use the bathroom, because I’m 56 years old and that’s the way I roll, and what do I see out my back window but a car parked in front of my garage.  This time I didn’t need to investigate to have a pretty good idea what was going on back there: that randy young ram was again tupping his fair ewe.  Doubtless, he was in the car bragging to the young lady, “I’ll show that grouchy old sack of excrement that I can screw in his driveway any time I feel like it.”

It being 3:30 in the morning, I was in no mood to go outside and interrupt their carnal congress.  Defeated, I went back to bed, resolving that if by daybreak they were still back there humping in the dawn, then I’d go out and give them a bit of the old ultra remonstration.  

Of course, I laid in bed thoroughly vexed.  What do I have to do to keep a couple of young people from copulating in my driveway?  And why my driveway?  It’s a tiny patch of cement, between my garage and the alley, barely big enough for one vehicle.  There are like three other garages back there with much better park and hump options than mine.  Why of all the places in this city to pull over and make the beast with two backs did they choose my drive?  I wondered if this was a topic of discussion on the neighborhood Facebook group: How to keep young people from having intimate relations on your property. 

Perhaps I should cut the younger generation some slack.  From what I’m reading about Gen-Z, out of control intimacy is not a big problem with that cohort.  Instead of being the cranky old man yelling at clouds, telling kids to get off my lawn, and shooing highly amorous young folk off of my property, maybe I should try being a little more understanding and accommodating.  I just don’t want my tiny driveway to turn into a Gen-Z shag pad.

Arthur Barry did not accompany Prince of Wales on ‘little lark’ to Manhattan

The morning of September 3, 1924, the Prince of Wales slept until past noon at the Long Island estate of James Burden, where Wales lodged during his royal visit to the United States.  As was becoming a routine, Wales partied late the night before and didn’t return to his lodging until between five and six in the morning.  Press reports reveal the prince had dined at the home of Henry R. Winthrop of Woodbury the previous evening and danced there until 2:00 a.m.  Following the Winthrop affair, Wales and a small contingent of revelers led by Mrs. Vincent Astor motored to her estate on Hempstead Harbor to prolong the gayety.  

So as morning broke on the third of September, Wales was in no condition to participate in any of his usual princely activities.  As Frank Getty reported, “Wales was scheduled to follow the hounds in one of the fashionable Long Island hunts, but since he got in from a late party only after 5 a.m., he called off the hunt plan and slept instead.” 

William Woodford wrote of the canceled hunt, “Wales did not stir, nor did the bugle sound the chase.  Instead he was slumbering, as he still was well after noontime, heedless of hounds, horses or even of his favorite game of polo.”

However, Wales did heed the call of the polo grounds that afternoon, attending the British team practice at Meadow Brook field followed by the American workout at W.R. Grace field, Westbury.

That evening, September 3, 1924, Wales again enjoyed the camaraderie of the polo crowd, attending a stag dinner at the Piping Rock Club at Locust Valley.  An orchestra provided music, many toasts were made and Will Rogers delivered a 20 minute monologue that “made a great hit.”

“Leaving the Piping Rock Country Club at about midnight, the royal visitor went with his cousin, Lord Louis Mountbatten, and Lady Mountbatten, and Lord and Lady Milford Haven to the home of J. S. Cosden at Sands Point, where a jolly and small house party kept the fun going until the sun sent its first rays over Long Island.  Then the prince went home,” The Buffalo News reported the following day, September 4. 

The Brooklyn Daily Eagle provided a similar description of events following the Piping Rock Club dinner.  “It was another dancing party which kept Wales out all night, this time at the home of Mr. and Mrs. J. S. Cosden at Sands Point.  The party was a small but jolly one.”

Grace Robinson wrote on September 4, “After the stag, the prince went to the Cosdens where he danced until morning.”

Accounts of Wales’ whereabouts the evening of Wednesday, September 3 through the early morning hours of Thursday, September 4 all agree that Wales danced the night away at the Cosden estate and only left at daybreak to return to his Long Island lodging.  None of the contemporary descriptions of the “small but jolly” Cosden shindig contain any mention of a secret royal excursion “to one of the white light jazz palaces of Broadway.”

While the Prince of Wales’ movements are unanimously agreed upon the night of the Piping Rock stag and the Cosden party, the following day’s itinerary is a little more shrouded in mystery.  

Following his daybreak return from the Cosden festivities, Wales slept for about five hours at the Burden estate.  Upon rising the morning of Thursday, September 4, Wales immediately headed for the polo field.  As Grace Robinson reported, “The prince, having slept all of five hours, was at the private polo field of John S. Phipps promptly at noon….He seemed fresh and eager for the sport, while journalists were still nursing headaches following all night duty on the Piping Rock dinner and the Cosden dance.” 

Later in the afternoon, after polo, Wales returned to the Cosden estate where other members of the royal entourage were staying during the visit.  As John K. Winkler reported, “Late this afternoon he motored to the Cosdens after his polo game with Rogers and members of two scratch teams and had a try at golf.”  

The Cosden’s gardener appeared to verify this account, telling reporters that Wales “had shot a few holes of golf” on the Cosden’s private links.

While differing on a few details, Grace Robinson’s reporting on Wales’ late afternoon activities lines up with other accounts.  “He inspected the oil man’s nine hole golf course, but did not play.  He sauntered through the beautiful shaded walks…enjoying the wild scenery.  Finally he walked down to the private dock, where the Cosden yacht, the Crimper, was lying at anchor.  H.R.H. stepped aboard a speed boat and was soon speeding across Long Island sound toward Greenwich, Ct.”

The speedboat getaway from the Cosden estate during the late afternoon or early evening of Thursday, September 4 caused the press to lose track of Wales until the following morning.  Whether he ended up bar hopping in Manhattan that night or simply returned to the Burden estate was the cause of a great deal of frenzied speculation in the papers the following day.  

One thing we can know for certain is that Arthur Barry did not befriend Wales at the Cosden party and lure him away to the white light of Broadway, as Arthur Barry bragged and Dean Jobb would have us believe in his new book, A Gentleman And A Thief.  Barry was indeed a thief and a con man, and his latest con is to convince a modern day audience that he was once the Prince of Wales’ wingman.

How many more falsified documents are out there?

As the nation breathes a sigh of relief that a serial document falsifier has finally been brought to justice, some are starting to ask, “Why did it take so long?”  The 34 falsified documents that we know about happened eight years ago, begging the question, how many documents have been falsified since?  For eight years, this now convicted felon has been allowed to be in the same room alone with documents, hold documents in his tiny hands and even keep them in his mansion overnight.  What unspeakable lies has he committed to paper?  What diabolical alterations has he made?  

So far the only documents he’s been charged with falsifying have been in the state of New York.  Thanks to the tireless work of prosecutors there, the convicted felon will no longer be allowed anywhere near documents and will forever carry the shame of being a registered document offender.  But in the past eight years this man has traveled extensively and has resided in Washington D.C. and Florida.  Prosecutors in these jurisdictions owe it to the public to reinvestigate every instance of a falsified document to see if they can be traced back to this man.

The verdict just read, Americans are bracing themselves for the rioting and mayhem that is sure to follow.  News outlets like Reuters, MSNBC, The Independent and others are sounding the alarm as supporters of the convicted felon pour into the streets, like in a Batman movie, to unleash chaos on a peace-loving, non-document falsifying public.  Even now these hooligans are no doubt planning to commit billions of dollars in property damage, rip the heart out of our democracy and swallow it whole while it’s still beating.  Good thing we have a defiant media standing by ready to shine a spotlight on their misdeeds.

A small but jolly gathering

In September of 1924, Edward, the Prince of Wales, made a much publicized visit to the United States.  To call it “much publicized,” however, fails to adequately describe the media frenzy that accompanied his visit.  The press hounded Wales mercilessly, reporting on his every movement: where he dined, where he danced, where he played, how long he slept, when he rose.  The press of the day literally tried to account for every moment of his time on American soil.  

While in the states, Wales spent almost the entirety of his visit among the American aristocracy of Long Island, New York.  Most nights, Wales and his entourage, which included the Lord and Lady Mountbatten and Mrs. Richard Norton, were entertained at some lavish Long Island affair where they danced and partied until the wee hours of the morning.  

One of these luxurious all-nighters took place at the estate of Joshua S. Cosden, a prosperous oil man who rose from very humble beginnings to become one of the richest men in America.  It is this party that plays a prominent role in the forthcoming Dean Jobb true crime book, A Gentleman And A Thief.  The book tracks the life and criminal endeavors of jazz age gentleman jewel thief Arthur Barry, who Jobb credits as the chief culprit behind the Cosden jewel robbery, which occurred during the royal visit of 1924.  

In addition to being a critically acclaimed true crime author, Jobb is a professor emeritus at the University of King’s College where he specializes in creative nonfiction.  Indeed, Jobb describes his true crime books as works of creative nonfiction, meaning he’s sticking to the facts, but utilizing a creative narrative-driven presentation.

Although Gentleman And A Thief doesn’t officially release until next month, the prologue of the book is available for sampling on Amazon’s website.  The narrative dives straight into the Cosden party and Arthur Barry’s alleged presence there.  According to Jobb, “It was there, in the midst of what one press report termed a ‘small but jolly’ gathering, that Gibson (Arthur Barry) met the prince.”  Jobb’s prologue also describes in some detail Wales’ alleged surreptitious late night journey to a couple of notable Manhattan speakeasies.  Whether or not these events actually took place at all, and that point is definitely up for debate, one thing for certain is the events could not have taken place as Jobb describes them.

The Cosden party Jobb describes took place during the late night hours of Wednesday, September 3, 1924 into the early morning hours of September 4.  The Thursday, September 4 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle reports, “Last night the Prince shared honors with polo players of both the British and American international teams at a stag dinner given for them at the Piping Rock Club at Locust Valley.”  Will Rogers entertained the group with a 20 minute monologue, and according to the Daily Eagle account, “After the dinner the Prince left for a dance.”  Earlier in the article it read, “It was another dancing party which kept Wales out all night, this time at the home of Mr. and Mrs. J. S. Cosden at Sands Point.  The party was a small but jolly one.  Other guests included Lord and Lady Mountbatten, Lord and Lady Milhaven and the Hon. Mrs. Richard Norton.”

This “small but jolly” account of the Cosden party got picked up by the Associated Press and appeared in newspapers across the country.  The problem with Dean Jobb’s depiction of that night is that not only did Wales not leave the party with Arthur Barry, but Wales’ alleged secret excursion into Manhattan nightlife took place the following evening. 

Popular journalist of the day Grace Robinson wrote on September 4:  “Before inspecting his third Long Island sunrise from the Cosden Manor, the prince had been with the Piping Rock Club at a gay stag….After the stag, the prince went to the Cosdens where he danced until morning.  And along went Lord and Lady Mountbatten, Lord and Lady Milford Haven and the rest of the who’s who.”  This account is interesting because years later it will be Grace Robinson pushing the Arthur Barry story that he left the Cosden party with the prince.

So contemporary accounts of the “small but jolly” Cosden party make no mention of the Prince slipping away.  That’s because Wales’ alleged foray into Manhattan occurred the following evening.  On Friday, September 5, 1924, the newspapers were buzzing with speculation over the whereabouts of Wales between 2:00 to 5:00 Thursday afternoon September 4 and the early morning hours of Friday, September 5.  Rumors start flying about Wales’ possible attendance at the El Fey Club 107 West 45th street, Manhattan, because a car bearing a license plate traced back to the Burden estate, where Wales was lodged, was seen near the club in the early morning hours of Friday, September 5.  Despite denials by the club owner and the prince’s spokesperson that his grace had not graced the club’s premises, rumors persisted.  

Jobb quotes a newspaper account which read, “he went in disguise to one of the white light jazz palaces on Broadway.”  This account appears in Friday, September 5 newspaper editions, speculating as to the Prince’s whereabouts the previous evening into early morning.  It concerns a time period a full 24 hours after the Cosden party where Arthur Barry, alias Dr. Gibson, allegedly lured Wales away to the “White Light Belt.” 

Whether or not Wales pulled a Manhattan Holiday and stealthily eluded the press and his handlers to bask in the white light of Broadway was unclear at the time and remains unclear today.  However, what is clear is that the account depicted in Jobb’s book could not have happened the way he described it.  Maybe there was some other Cosden party that Arthur Barry lured His Royal Highness away from, but it wasn’t the “small but jolly” one.  

If it can be shown that I’m confusing my dates, I’ll be happy to admit my error.  However, it seems pretty clear that the specific events Jobb references did not take place on the same night.  At any rate, I’m looking forward to reading the rest of Jobb’s book.  The Cosden case and other area gem thefts have been of great interest to me for quite some time, and I’m anxious to learn what else Jobb has uncovered.

‘Word-salad’ deciphering AI expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop AI capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden. 

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble.  Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant.  The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork.  “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously.  Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves.  The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making.  It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently.  The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.   

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer.  “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies.  You could literally carry it around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff.  However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on X or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

Dozens excuse themselves to use restroom during Seinfeld commencement speech

Approximately 30 students out of 7,000 attending the Duke University graduation ceremony were suddenly overcome with the urge to relieve themselves just as commencement speaker Jerry Seinfeld was about to deliver his address.  The barely perceptible exodus caused a bit of a stir as some booed the small group, while most of the attendees burst into chants of “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!”  Despite the minor interruption, Seinfeld’s fifteen minute speech was well received, eliciting frequent laughter and drawing several rounds of applause from the commencement crowd of 20,000.

It is not known whether any of the 30 students were able to make it back to their seats in time for Seinfeld’s closing remarks.  However, their absence caused a great deal of concern in the national media with dozens of outlets breathlessly covering the much publicized pee break.  NBC News, CNN, USA Today, The New York Times, Business Insider and many more characterized the paltry pee parade as a student walkout.    

No doubt the handful of urinators were pleasantly surprised to discover their restroom visitation received a tremendous amount of media attention.  However, the rest of humankind must have thought they’d entered the bizarro world when they woke to discover a pee story dominating the news cycle.  Many news consumers found themselves justifiably flummoxed over how such a low-level urination event could attract so much media scrutiny.  

One could understand all the brouhaha if a quarter to a half of the assembled crowd got up to pee simultaneously.  That would be big news, warranting much scuttlebutt and no small amount of hubbub.  But like a tenth of a percent?  Perhaps it’s only fitting that a Seinfeld commencement speech would attract so many stories about nothing.

New glasses, big problems

Lately, I’ve been receiving signals that I ought to do something about my eyesight.  The menu board at an unfamiliar takeout restaurant can be confusing enough, but if you can’t read the selections, then you’re pretty screwed.  I tried just making up menu items for a while.  I would say, “Just give me a club sandwich, or something.”  Then the order taker would politely inform me of their choices that most closely resemble a club sandwich, which often just included the addition of avocado, and I’d say, “That would be fine,” and we’d go from there.  But, lately, they’ve begun to treat me like I’m illiterate or something, speaking to me slowly and patiently like I’m a child.  Even my own daughter began to shoot me looks that seemed to doubt my literacy.

So, at the urging of my better half, I decided to get new glasses.  Several hundred dollars later, these cheap plastic spectacles seem to have brought about an entirely new set of challenges.  Don’t get me wrong, they’ve also opened up a whole new world of possibilities.  Before, I mostly stuck to driving familiar routes because I had difficulty reading signs and recognizing landmarks.  But now that I can read highway signs, I’m exploring entirely new realms and unfamiliar territory.  Also, it came as a pleasant surprise to see that the speed limit on most highways has been raised from 55 to 70.  This explains why I’d been the recipient of so much hostility from other drivers in recent years.

The challenges invariably arise when I’m indoors.  I seem to have difficulty and lack confidence knowing where to place my feet.  This has caused me to stumble around and bump into doorways at work.  My boss has been looking askance at me like I’m intoxicated or something.  But I assured her I haven’t been drunk or stoned at work for pretty close to ten years now.  Also, going down stairs is like descending into a murky abyss.  Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope for the best.

However, an incident this morning might be the final straw as far as these new glasses are concerned.  I had just gotten a cup of coffee at Starbucks from the friendliest group of young people you’d ever want to meet, when I merrily strode out to the parking lot to get in my car and head to work.  For some reason, however, I had a difficult time unlocking the car door.  The key fob didn’t seem to work and when I tried to manually unlock the door, the key wouldn’t fit in the lock.  After a few moments, a woman came running out of the Starbucks with one of the larger male employees shouting at me to get away from her car and that she’s calling the cops.  Mortified, I noticed that my car was in the next space over, so I hurriedly jumped in it and sped out of there like Vin Diesel.  I made it to work without incident, not knowing whether an a.p.b. had been issued for my capture.  At any rate, I’m probably going to ditch these glasses, but I may wear them for another week as an aid to eluding authorities, or at least until the heat has died down.

Local man determined to do something about all those beers in the fridge

Momentarily setting aside his wife’s “honey-do” list, Ed Walker opted instead to take on a project he’d been putting off for quite some time: taking care of all those beers that had accumulated in the couple’s refrigerator.

“Well, I figured it was time,” said Walker.  “Those frosty cold beverages were taking up valuable space and they weren’t going to empty themselves into my gullet, so I took it upon myself to get the ball rolling.  Sure, the old-lady objected a little bit, but once she gets a look at how much more room she’ll have for leftovers and the like, she’ll be glad I moved this project to the top of my list.” 

Walker also addressed the mystery regarding how the surplus beers came to occupy so much real estate in his fridge.

“They’re mostly the remnants of fishing trips, or left by friends dropping by, that I never got around to finishing.  I really felt sorry for the little fellas.  They’re kind of like cast-offs, orphans, if you will,” said Walker, getting a little emotional. 

So what was it about the present moment that made it right for taking on such an ambitious project? 

“Well, it was a combination of factors that sort of all came together in a perfect storm,” Walker said.  “But mostly it’s because there’s a big game on this afternoon.”

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as Gemini AI alternative

Following the embarrassing rollout of its Gemini AI chatbot, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries.  The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.    

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards.  What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings.  “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it.  Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.   

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry.  Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services.  “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps.  He’s working for us 24/7.  It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,”  said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said.  “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities.  Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator.  Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”