Mostly bullshit – Page 3 – If there is something

Fifty years after ‘Going to California,’ hippies and dreamers ‘Leaving California’ in droves

Ranking dead last in net migration, California is watching its citizens flee the state in droves. The dream of starting a new life in a land of limitless opportunity seems to have died out completely, and long-time residents are singing a different tune from the hopeful songs of yesteryear.

“Fifty years ago, everybody was ‘Going to California’ and ‘California Dreaming,’” said an old hippie packing for Colorado. “Today it seems like the dream is over. Californians have gone from knowing how to party and Californicating to getting the hell out. Anyway, I wrote a little song about it called ‘Leaving California.’” At that the dusty old hippie picked up his beat up six-string and sang:

Fifty years with a woman unwell

Spent my dough and dragged me through hell

Made up my mind to set myself free

Leaving California after hip replacement and a colonoscopy

Someone told me there’s woman out there

With most of her teeth and curlers in her hair

Took my chances on a mobility scooter

It’s a low emission, non-polluter

A homeless man poops on the sidewalk at dawn

A movie producer tells him get off my lawn

People in the street start to riot and shake

Hippies load their buses for the Lone Star State

Looks like a cop on patrol

Got a punch in the nose and it started to flow

I think I should be going

To seek the silver-haired queen of the rain

You know she played her tambourine and sang, la la la la

Shuffling through the mists of the dawn

Trying to find a gal who can still get along

Ride a chairlift on a stairway of dreams

Telling myself Florida’s not as far, far, far as it seems

Debate moderators fail to press Harris on spice and seasoning choices

ABC News debate moderators David Muir and Linsey Davis are taking heat today over their failure to press Kamala Harris on her changing positions regarding spices and seasonings. As a presidential candidate in 2020, Harris was clear in her opposition to Creamy Peppercorn Dressing Base, but has just recently come out in support of it.

“My position on Creamy Peppercorn has never wavered. It’s delightfully creamy. It’s sinfully peppercorn. America has always stood for Creamy Peppercorn and my administration will back it 100 percent,” Harris told the moderators.

About midway through Tuesday night’s debate, veteran ABC News anchor, David Muir, delivered another one of his probing questions tailored to get at the heart of the Harris campaign’s vision for the United States.

“The United States is a melting pot of a wide assortment of aromas, textures and flavors simmering on a stove. You remove the lid and have a taste. What seasoning is missing?” Muir asked.

“Well, Dave, you know I’m pretty fond of Fox Point Seasoning, so I could add a dash of that.” Harris responded. “Of course you can never have too much Tuscan Sunset Salt Free Italian Seasoning. But if I had to add one spice to pull it all together, I’d add a pinch of Kamala’s Joy.”

“Wrong. Wrong. Salt and pepper. Maybe a little Ragin’ Cajun,” Trump bellowed before moderators cut him off.

Americans clamor for Chick-fil-A style innovation and leadership

As Americans once again face the choice between two highly undesirable presidential candidates, many are looking for leadership elsewhere and some think they’ve found it.

Just outside of metro Atlanta in McDonough, Georgia, a modern marvel of engineering and efficiency recently opened its doors, or rather its drive-thru.

Chick-fil-A opened a first-of-its-kind restaurant with four drive-thru lanes that flow beneath an elevated kitchen. The technological wonder features a “unique meal transport system” delivering customer orders via a “sophisticated conveyor belt” that allows a meal to be delivered to hungry customers every six seconds.

“It’s just like the Jetsons, dude,” said one satisfied customer.

“When I was a kid, this is what I imagined the future would look like,” said another diner as he looked on in awe at the four lanes of traffic that steadily flowed through the technological wonder.

“Americans deserve more of this,” says political analyst, Clifton Friedman. “Whoever designed and engineered this astonishing and uniquely American miracle of technology and capitalism should be running this country.”

You won’t get any argument out of these Chick-fil-A patrons. “I’d vote for that bastard in a heartbeat,” said a man sitting in his pickup, munching on a spicy chicken deluxe and waffle fries.

“In a country where so many institutions seem to be on shaky ground and incompetence often appears to get rewarded, it’s nice to see the old American can-do spirit is still alive and well in some places. A chicken in every sack,” Friedman added.

Build Back Biden

Not long into last week’s presidential debate, it became apparent that the Biden operating system was timing out and beginning to power down. The President’s debate handlers desperately tried to get Lunch Pale Joe back on track, but to no avail. A frantic call went out to the President’s aides:

“White House, I can’t hold him! He’s breaking up! He’s breaking up!”

The mood among Biden’s team went from disbelief and denial to gloom and hopelessness in the span of a commercial break. Maddow, Reid and Wallace quickly surmised that Trump must have wielded some occult MAGA magic and surreptitiously cast a spell of confusion over the unsuspecting Commander-in-Chief.

After the initial meltdown had subsided, Morning Joe broke in to rally the Biden forces:

“Joe Biden, President, a man barely awake after 8:00 p.m. People, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better . . . stronger . . . faster. We can extend his hours past 8:00 p.m. They will say, ‘Joe never closes.’ They will call him, ‘24-Hour Joe.’ They will know that even if the dining room is closed, the drive-thru is still open. We can Build…Back…Biden. He will be the world’s first six trillion dollar president.”

Las Vegas police remove alien monolith citing safety and environmental concerns

A prism shaped alien monolith was recently discovered by Las Vegas Metro Search and Rescue in an area near Gass Peak about an hour north of the city. The 77 inch structure had to be removed due to improper permitting and safety concerns.

“A message to the aliens: if you’re going to drop one of your monolith devices in our community, you better take out a permit,” LVMPD said in a post on Facebook.

No one is exactly sure whether the aliens have a presence on Facebook.

“A communication monolith is subject to municipal and county zoning restrictions as well as FCC regulations,” the message continued. “Before erecting an interdimensional portal device, one would need to go through an extensive permitting process and be approved by the city’s building department. Also, a number of environmental impact studies would need to be performed. Most of these permits can be obtained for a reasonable fee at the Clark County Building Department on Russell Road.

“At this point, the monolith is in violation of several state and local ordinances. It has been impounded and will be released to the owner when all fines have been paid and it is shown to be in compliance with said ordinances,” the message concluded.

Authorities confirmed no alien representatives have appeared at the police station to retrieve the monolith. Some officials speculate the aliens may be abandoning attempts at global domination due to extensive and burdensome red tape.

‘Word-salad’ deciphering AI expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop AI capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble. Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant. The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork. “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously. Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves. The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making. It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently. The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer. “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies. You could literally carry it around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff. However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on X or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

Dozens excuse themselves to use restroom during Seinfeld commencement speech

Approximately 30 students out of 7,000 attending the Duke University graduation ceremony were suddenly overcome with the urge to relieve themselves just as commencement speaker Jerry Seinfeld was about to deliver his address. The barely perceptible exodus caused a bit of a stir as some booed the small group, while most of the attendees burst into chants of “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” Despite the minor interruption, Seinfeld’s fifteen minute speech was well received, eliciting frequent laughter and drawing several rounds of applause from the commencement crowd of 20,000.

It is not known whether any of the 30 students were able to make it back to their seats in time for Seinfeld’s closing remarks. However, their absence caused a great deal of concern in the national media with dozens of outlets breathlessly covering the much publicized pee break. NBC News, CNN, USA Today, The New York Times, Business Insider and many more characterized the paltry pee parade as a student walkout.

No doubt the handful of urinators were pleasantly surprised to discover their restroom visitation received a tremendous amount of media attention. However, the rest of humankind must have thought they’d entered the bizarro world when they woke to discover a pee story dominating the news cycle. Many news consumers found themselves justifiably flummoxed over how such a low-level urination event could attract so much media scrutiny.

One could understand all the brouhaha if a quarter to a half of the assembled crowd got up to pee simultaneously. That would be big news, warranting much scuttlebutt and no small amount of hubbub. But like a tenth of a percent? Perhaps it’s only fitting that a Seinfeld commencement speech would attract so many stories about nothing.

Local man determined to do something about all those beers in the fridge

Momentarily setting aside his wife’s “honey-do” list, Ed Walker opted instead to take on a project he’d been putting off for quite some time: taking care of all those beers that had accumulated in the couple’s refrigerator.

“Well, I figured it was time,” said Walker. “Those frosty cold beverages were taking up valuable space and they weren’t going to empty themselves into my gullet, so I took it upon myself to get the ball rolling. Sure, the old-lady objected a little bit, but once she gets a look at how much more room she’ll have for leftovers and the like, she’ll be glad I moved this project to the top of my list.”

Walker also addressed the mystery regarding how the surplus beers came to occupy so much real estate in his fridge.

“They’re mostly the remnants of fishing trips, or left by friends dropping by, that I never got around to finishing. I really felt sorry for the little fellas. They’re kind of like cast-offs, orphans, if you will,” said Walker, getting a little emotional.

So what was it about the present moment that made it right for taking on such an ambitious project?

“Well, it was a combination of factors that sort of all came together in a perfect storm,” Walker said. “But mostly it’s because there’s a big game on this afternoon.”

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as Gemini AI alternative

Following the embarrassing rollout of its Gemini AI chatbot, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries. The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards. What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings. “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it. Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry. Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services. “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps. He’s working for us 24/7. It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,” said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said. “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities. Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator. Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”

Scientists discover more than one way to rock

Since rocker Sammy Hagar’s breakthrough announcement back in 1982, there has been a long held scientific consensus that there is only one way to rock. Numerous attempts to uncover additional ways have invariably met with failure, and each time some researcher has come along claiming to have discovered additional means and avenues by which to rock, their claims have ultimately been proven false.

That may all be about to change as a team of researchers in Munich, Germany have turned the rock world on its head with their new discovery. In a lab, under very specific conditions, researchers were able to briefly observe what they feel is a yet undiscovered way to rock.

“Keep in mind, these are not conditions typical of the everyday world,” said Dr. Irmin Schmidt, head researcher at the Deutschrock Institute. “We constructed a lead chamber with walls four feet thick. Then we elevated the rock and roll pressure inside the chamber by pumping in Raw Power, Sister Ray, Voodoo Child, Sweet Leaf, and so on. We kept cramming the rock and roll into the chamber until the pressure grew so great it produced a reaction in which we were able to briefly observe a novel way to rock. I mean, we’re talking about a nanosecond here, but we’re confident we evoked something no one has ever seen or heard before.”

“Yes, we must go back and examine the data, but there was definitely something,” agreed fellow researcher, Holger Czukay. “We are pushing the very limits of rock physics. We had no idea what would happen. Indeed, as we are increasing the density of rock inside the chamber, forcing in Scorpions, Slayer, Iron Maiden and Dio, we considered whether we might be creating a fissure in the fabric of sound itself and unleashing something demonic.”

Schmidt theorizes that not only might there be additional ways to rock, but their research may eventually prove there are infinite ways to rock. “By observing rock at its most fundamental, we are encountering strange new worlds of rock music, extra-dimensional drum beats and spooky guitar solos at a distance. Herr Hagar’s theories have proven quite useful for the past four decades, but now we know there is almost certainly more than one way to rock.”