Mostly bullshit – Page 2 – If there is something

Local man achieves New Year’s fitness goals in record time

A mere two weeks into 2025 and local resident Thurston Winpenny is already on the verge of accomplishing his New Year’s fitness resolutions, cutting in half the amount of time it took him to shape up in 2024.

“Yeah, I set some pretty ambitious goals this year, and I’d have to say I’m about a workout or two away from busting out the new me,” Winpenny boasted. “Last year, it took me almost the entire month of January to achieve this level of transformation. Anyway, I should be able to drop my membership before the free trial expires.”

Indeed, fitness centers across the country are already seeing the tsunami of new sign ups begin to subside as these January gym rats hang up their shorts and check another New Year’s resolution off their list.

“I feel great. I increased my explosiveness, enhanced my mobility, and improved my endurance in only five workouts. Now I’m able to use the bathroom, fix a snack and refresh my beverage all during the span of one TV timeout,” said Tim Thomas, trial member at Fantastic Fitness.

“We’re just cranking out healthy people right and left,” said fitness trainer Jim Jones. “We’re all about rapid results. It’s amazing what you can do with two weeks and a burning desire for a new you.”

Trump floats hostile takeover of Greenland

Despite the insistence of Greenland’s government that the semi-autonomous Danish territory is not for sale, President Donald Trump is pushing ahead with efforts to purchase Greenland with or without its approval.

Describing the acquisition as “essentially a large real estate deal,” President Trump has not ruled out a hostile takeover of the island. “It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they’re losing almost $700 million a year carrying it. We could buy the struggling island, spruce it up a little and flip it for a tidy little profit,” President Trump said.

Sources close to Trump say he and his advisors believe they can turn Greenland around and make it profitable in less than 18 months. “We’re looking at writing off some of its foreign debt, bringing in some undocumented workers and selling off some assets,” said an anonymous source close to the prospective deal.

According to President Trump, Greenland isn’t the only acquisition the administration is contemplating. “We’re also looking at buying Mexico and Canada while possibly letting go of Puerto Rico and Michigan’s upper peninsula. We’re still in the negotiating stages. These deals take time.”

News of a possible deal caused the stock market to close early on Friday as investors had no clue what to do with their money. “We’re kind of in uncharted territory here,” said one investor. “What the hell is the president elect even talking about?”

WH: Aliens Assure Us NJ Drones Pose No Threat

Responding to criticism over inadequate explanations of the mysterious New Jersey drone phenomena, the White House released a statement today making clear the federal government’s confidence that the Unmanned Aerial Systems pose no threat.

“Although we do not yet know what the drones seek, what their purpose is, or who deployed them, past interactions with our alien counterparts indicate the vessels are harmless,” the White House statement read. “Americans can sleep peacefully tonight knowing the aliens are closely monitoring the situation.”

President Biden told reporters he’d been briefed on the matter and agreed there was no cause for alarm.

“Nothing to see here, folks. Go back about your business. If the aliens thought we had anything to worry about, I’m sure they would have told us,” Biden said.

Christmas shoppers in the Big Apple seemed to take today’s news in stride.

“I kind of figured it had something to do with aliens, but I’m glad they finally came out with some clarification,” one Macy’s shopper remarked. “Now if the aliens could only do something about these high prices.”

Officials are hoping today’s news will put a stop to all the careless speculation and misinformation that has appeared online in recent days.

“I’m just glad loose nukes and incursions by a foreign power have been taken off the table. Now that we know that it’s just the aliens behind it, we can all rest a bit easier,” said a retired Pentagon official.

Homeowner’s outdoor Christmas decorations prompt crackdown

A South Bend area neighborhood association is cracking down on one resident’s outdoor Christmas display, which it says is in violation of several of its bylaws.

“They were out here measuring my inflatable Santa the other day and a few days later I got a notification in the mail along with a $500 dollar fine,” said neighborhood homeowner Scott Stewart. “Apparently, my Santa exceeds the eight foot height restriction and my Christmas lights exceed the maximum number allowed under the rules. Also they twinkle too fast and too brightly.”

“Residents’ holiday light displays shall not exceed 12 bulbs per square foot and shall not dim or change colors more than once every three seconds,” the Whispering Prairie community bylaws state.

“Shoot, they even said my Santa drone is a violation. The sleigh bells are too loud and jingly, so jolly old Saint Nick’s been grounded while I wait for a decision on my appeal. It seems like they just want to suck all the fun out of Christmas,” Stewart said.

Following an unfavorable verdict on Stewart’s appeal, a neighborhood compliance officer showed up and removed the offending decorations.

“They came and deflated my Santa yesterday, and they snipped the wiring on several strands of lights. I mean, I get it that they have their rules, but did they need to slice up Santa with a Stanley knife? The kids are pretty traumatized,” Stewart added.

Hollywood celebrities begin the process of mass self-deportation

Following Tuesday’s election of Donald Trump to the presidency of the United States, Hollywood’s elite are furiously making plans to flee the country.

Word has it, it’s getting hard for a celebrity out on these streets. First, the regime shut down the Diddy parties. Now, the land of the free stands poised on the verge of a hellish freefall into a dystopian, authoritarian nightmare.

Only one thing left to do if you live in Malibu or Bel Aire or 90210, give your domestic staff two weeks notice and book passage on a first class flight to freedom.

According to reports, America Ferrera is donning her traveling pants and taking her family to the UK. Sources say she’s also considering changing her name from America to Britannia.

“I am certainly considering a house in Italy. I think that’s an intelligent construct at this time,” Sharon Stone told the Daily Mail.

If you’re a person of abundant means, living in Italy would probably be pretty awesome. But politics might not be the most “intelligent construct” to flee California for a new life in Italy. Italy has their own little populist firecracker, and the reproductive rights laws are way more restrictive than California.

Say it ain’t so, Sophie Turner. She promised to “get the f*** out” of America and move back to Winterfell or King’s Landing or wherever she hails from if Trump won.

Cher’s gone. “I almost got an ulcer the last time. If he gets in, who knows? This time I will leave [the country],” she told the Guardian. She was married to Sonny Bono. This can’t be worse than that.

Wherever these Hollywood folks end up, the nations receiving them better posh up their immigration facilities pronto.

As governor, Walz labored on highway project to save taxpayers money

Following former president Donald Trump’s brief employment as a McDonald’s drive-thru attendant, media outlets rushed to question the authenticity of Trump’s new part-time gig.

Newsweek tapped sources on social media to confirm whether Trump had indeed taken on a second job. There they uncovered an inconvenient truth for the Trump campaign and reported, “rumors have been circulating on social media that Trump’s visit to McDonald’s was ‘staged.’”

A McDonald burn. Out of the frying basket and into the fryer.

Sensing something smelled Filet-O-Fishy, NBC News went on a little fact-finding mission of its own:

“The franchise in Feasterville was closed for normal business during Sunday’s photo op. The customers who went through the drive thru were pre-selected by the franchise and the local Trump campaign team, according to a person familiar with the event. The cars were also screened and searched, and the people in them were wanded down, according to the source.”

Apparently, the whole episode was just a ruse and the former president was not trying to pick up a little extra campaign cash.

As the debate continued to rage, MSNBC’s Steve Benen dropped some nuance, like a sizzling patty on a sesame seed bun:

“Those characterizing this as “work,” however, have been overly generous: There’s an important difference between work and theatrics, and this was definitely the latter.”

As proof that the Harris campaign knows a little something about work, they released a photo of Tim Walz with fellow Dem colleague Amy Klobuchar laboring on a highway project back in 2022.

According to media reports, the two worked shovels ten hours a day for nearly eight months in an effort to save taxpayers money.

Harris fails to address looming tater tot crisis

With Americans increasingly worried over the nation’s looming tater tot shortage, Democrat presidential nominee Kamala Harris has yet to address the issue.

Citing environmental concerns, the Biden administration closed the nation’s largest tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho. According to industry experts, a new manufacturing facility can take years, even decades, to get up and running.

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953. No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable tater tot. Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”

The manufacture of tater tots is a highly specialized process. Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

Kamala Harris has yet to propose an alternative plan for manufacturing tater tots. However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

Scrolling motorists plead for more patience

A group of motorists today is calling on the public to exhibit a little more patience while they finish scrolling on their phones at traffic signals and stop signs. They claim other motorists are way too quick to tap their horns while waiting on drivers to wrap up their social media posting.

“It’s gotten to be such a hassle,” said one young person who refused to give her name. “I mean, I’m at a red light just trying to finish an Instagram post and this impatient asshole taps his horn after the light turns green. I’m like, yeah I see it, give me a second here.”

Recent analysis of traffic patterns has shown that driver reaction time from when a signal turns from red to green has slowed from an average of 1.3 seconds to 2.8. The result has been a reduction in traffic flow and increased congestion. Many motorists blame the stop light scrollers for creating the problem.

“The light turns and they just sit there. It’s like, could you stop shopping for a moment and resume driving?” offered one very cranky oldtimer.

“I don’t think some people realize how in demand I am on social media,” said Instagram influencer, Natasha Rambova. “If I’m not posting in a timely manner, my followers notice my absence and become quite anxious and concerned.”

Some municipalities have toyed with the idea of increasing the duration of red lights. While the idea has proven to be quite popular with the scrolling set, most motorists are predictably hostile.

“Put your #*^#$-r#$@&%+ phone down and go,” one waiting motorist could be observed screaming.

Fifty years after ‘Going to California,’ hippies and dreamers ‘Leaving California’ in droves

Ranking dead last in net migration, California is watching its citizens flee the state in droves. The dream of starting a new life in a land of limitless opportunity seems to have died out completely, and long-time residents are singing a different tune from the hopeful songs of yesteryear.

“Fifty years ago, everybody was ‘Going to California’ and ‘California Dreaming,’” said an old hippie packing for Colorado. “Today it seems like the dream is over. Californians have gone from knowing how to party and Californicating to getting the hell out. Anyway, I wrote a little song about it called ‘Leaving California.’” At that the dusty old hippie picked up his beat up six-string and sang:

Fifty years with a woman unwell

Spent my dough and dragged me through hell

Made up my mind to set myself free

Leaving California after hip replacement and a colonoscopy

Someone told me there’s woman out there

With most of her teeth and curlers in her hair

Took my chances on a mobility scooter

It’s a low emission, non-polluter

A homeless man poops on the sidewalk at dawn

A movie producer tells him get off my lawn

People in the street start to riot and shake

Hippies load their buses for the Lone Star State

Looks like a cop on patrol

Got a punch in the nose and it started to flow

I think I should be going

To seek the silver-haired queen of the rain

You know she played her tambourine and sang, la la la la

Shuffling through the mists of the dawn

Trying to find a gal who can still get along

Ride a chairlift on a stairway of dreams

Telling myself Florida’s not as far, far, far as it seems

Debate moderators fail to press Harris on spice and seasoning choices

ABC News debate moderators David Muir and Linsey Davis are taking heat today over their failure to press Kamala Harris on her changing positions regarding spices and seasonings. As a presidential candidate in 2020, Harris was clear in her opposition to Creamy Peppercorn Dressing Base, but has just recently come out in support of it.

“My position on Creamy Peppercorn has never wavered. It’s delightfully creamy. It’s sinfully peppercorn. America has always stood for Creamy Peppercorn and my administration will back it 100 percent,” Harris told the moderators.

About midway through Tuesday night’s debate, veteran ABC News anchor, David Muir, delivered another one of his probing questions tailored to get at the heart of the Harris campaign’s vision for the United States.

“The United States is a melting pot of a wide assortment of aromas, textures and flavors simmering on a stove. You remove the lid and have a taste. What seasoning is missing?” Muir asked.

“Well, Dave, you know I’m pretty fond of Fox Point Seasoning, so I could add a dash of that.” Harris responded. “Of course you can never have too much Tuscan Sunset Salt Free Italian Seasoning. But if I had to add one spice to pull it all together, I’d add a pinch of Kamala’s Joy.”

“Wrong. Wrong. Salt and pepper. Maybe a little Ragin’ Cajun,” Trump bellowed before moderators cut him off.