Mostly bullshit – If there is something

Rash of leaf blower thefts reported

Investigators arrested a man they believe is responsible for a rash of leaf blower thefts in this normally crime-free neighborhood of Paw Paw, Michigan.

Reports of the thefts first emerged a couple weeks ago when homeowners went to undertake the annual ritual of removing fallen leaves from their lawns only to discover that the leaf blowers were missing from their garages.

After weeks of investigation, detectives zeroed in on a man who had been making a number of disparaging comments about leaf blowers in neighborhood Facebook groups.

Joseph Brickman, age 62 of Paw Paw, wrote in one thread that the sound of leaf blowers “wheezing throughout the neighborhood” was driving him crazy and that he intended “to do something about it.” However, no one paid any attention to Mr. Brickman because no one ever paid any attention to Mr. Brickman.

Brickman commented that the near constant noise of 2-stroke engines revving was like “living next to a go-kart track.” He also compared the sound to a moose call and complained that he worked nights and couldn’t get any sleep during the day as a “cacophony of lonely moose” made it impossible for him to get any peace.

Investigators became even more suspicious of Brickman when they observed him silently using a rake to gather his leaves into piles. After questioning Brickman, he allowed them to search his garage where they discovered dozens of leaf blowers stashed under a tarp. Brickman explained that he’d acquired the devices over the years, but they all “broke down because they’re pieces of junk.”

Eventually, authorities were able to trace the leaf blowers back to their owners and now the decibel level in the neighborhood has returned to normal.

Washed up NFL QBs deployed to streets of American cities

In an effort to combat the chaos brewing in America’s largest cities, federal officials are considering deploying former NFL quarterbacks and intoxicated sports announcers to the nation’s streets to quell disorder.

“We just want to get them out there and try to turn down the temperature a little bit,” one official noted.

Over the weekend, former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was out patrolling the streets of Indianapolis, Indiana, hunting for ne’er-do-wells, when he encountered an individual he thought was attempting to steal used cooking oil from a downtown hotel.

Sanchez confronted the man and body slammed the 69-year-old in an alley behind the hotel. It turns out the man was a legitimate grease truck driver who was authorized to remove the grease from the hotel.

“Mr. Sanchez trusted his instincts on this one and turned out to be wrong, but you got to like his spunk and desire to sniff out the bad guys,” the official said.

Police noted that prior to his encounter with the grease truck driver, Mr. Sanchez had altercations with two sanitation workers and a document shredder, who all abandoned their suspicious activity when confronted by Sanchez.

As Sanchez lay in bed this morning feeling like he’d been sacked by a Mack Truck, he remarked to reporters that he wished he was better at avoiding trouble than he was at evading defenses.

Celebrity owners left with only ‘seeds and stems’ after pot shop pilfered

It was a rude wake and bake for Bill Maher and Woody Harrelson after their Hollywood pot shop was the target of a smash-and-grab robbery over the weekend.

Witnesses say the pair arrived Saturday morning at The Woods WeHo to discover the shop had been looted and only a handful of seeds and stems had been left behind by the robbers.

Harrelson was heard to exclaim, “I think I feel something,” as the pair puffed away on what little cannabis remains could be scavenged from the carpet and between couch cushions.

The co-owners then attempted to brew some tea from the leftover seeds and stems. However, it is unclear if the pair were able to “catch a buzz.”

Surveillance video of the incident shows a vehicle struggling to parallel park moments before the robbers emerged from a smoke-filled SUV and staggered to the door.

According to KTLA5, “The video shows them shattering a glass window, rushing into the store, filling bags with merchandise and then fleeing within seconds.”

However, the video later shows the trio fleeing on foot after they realized they’d inadvertently locked the keys in the vehicle.

Local man backs out of Met Gala invite at last minute

City resident, Ed Brush, took to his favorite social media app, MySpace, today to explain his last minute decision to back out of Monday night’s Met Gala extravaganza.

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I was unable to attend this year’s Met Gala event at New York’s famed Metropolitan Museum of Art. Ultimately, a number of considerations led to this very difficult decision.

“Firstly, I did not have time to make it to J.C. Penney to pick up my suit for the event. Organizers suggested I’d be fine wearing nothing more than a tasteful blazer. When I explained that I can’t get any of my old blazers to button anymore, they suggested I accessorize with a strategically worn white tube sock. When I realized that all my tube socks have holes and the elastic is worn out, I decided to ditch that idea,” Brush said.

Having settled on a blue blazer over a flesh colored bodysuit, Brush next set about arranging transportation to the event.

“The second thing that happened was I learned that I would not be able to catch a ride on AOC’s Fighting Oligarchy tour jet, and that if I wanted to rub elbows with the champagne socialists, I’d have to ride coach. Being a man of the people, I had no problem travelling coach. However, apparently wearing a flesh colored bodysuit through the airport tends to attract the attention of TSA, and they detained me for questioning. Strangely enough, telling them who I was and where I was going failed to hasten the proceedings.

“Anyway, sorry AOC, Kamala, Alex, Whoopi, Rihanna, Nicole, Lisa, I’ll have to catch up to you next year,” Brush concluded his message.

City council approves resolution to buy man’s living room

The city council of Dowagiac, Michigan approved a resolution last evening to proceed with the purchase of a city resident’s living room. Despite protestations from the owner, Ted Lunsford, the resolution passed by a 7-0 vote.

The city of Dowagiac is planning to add a turn lane and expand a high traffic intersection. Unfortunately for Lunsford, his living room sits squarely in the middle of the proposed turn lane.

“Tell me, what am I supposed to do without a living room?” Lunsford asked the council during public comments on the motion. “Where am I gonna put my recliner and how am I gonna watch football? I already got cars passing four feet outside my window. Some smartass motorist stops and asks me the score of the Lions game. Now you want to take that whole corner of my home.”

“It’s in the way of progress, Mr. Lunsford. We made you a very generous offer based on the market rate per square foot. Additionally we’ve offered to cover the cost of moving your living room to a place of your choosing,” the council president said shortly before calling for a vote.

“Where am I gonna put it?”

“That’s your problem, Mr. Lunsford. We’re all tired of waiting in traffic at that congested intersection just so you can sit in your cozy recliner and watch tv. Now, all in favor of turning Mr. Lunsford’s living room into a right turn lane say ‘Aye,’” the council president said and the measure unanimously passed.

Per the resolution, Lunsford has 30 days to vacate his living room. With no long term solution in sight, Lunsford plans to relocate his three-piece sectional, La-Z-Boy recliner, 46-inch flatscreen and 30-gallon exotic fish aquarium to the garage for the time being. However, city officials have warned him not to get too comfortable, as they are already eyeing his driveway and garage for a potential future offramp.

Masters patron left hanging on attempted McIlroy fist bump

Masters patron Phil Rickle left The Masters golf tournament in a huff Sunday after tournament champion Rory McIlroy left him hanging on a congratulatory fist bump. Claiming to be one of McIlroy’s biggest fans, Rickle told reporters he’d never root for the Northern Irishman again after being rebuffed on national television.

A highly emotional McIlroy had just sunk the winning putt and was sharing an embrace with his wife and daughter when the snubbing occurred.

“Look, I get it that McIlroy wanted to share the moment with his family and all, but he can’t take a second while he’s hugging his wife to reach out and knuckle bump his biggest fan while I’m standing there offering it. I mean, he left me hanging in front of the whole world. I looked like the biggest boob.

“I followed the dude around all day Sunday and yelled out ‘MASHED POTATO!’ and ‘BOOM SHAKALAKA!’ after every shot. I shouted ‘DESHAMBLES!’ every time Bryson screwed up. I was there for Rors. I don’t see why he couldn’t spare a quick bumpy knuckles with his homie,” Rickle said.

Following the tragic Masters experience, Rickle is currently weighing his options.

“I’ll probably start following Bryson. Maybe I’ll get a little more appreciation over at LIV.”

Local business owner calling on Pentagon to remove him from group sext chat

The owner of a local bakery is pleading with the Trump administration today to remove him from a group sext chat that he maintains is adversely affecting his mental health and physical well-being. Cake baker, Kevin Krinkle, says he’s been so repulsed by the message content that he’s having trouble sleeping and his business is suffering.

“It’s hard to believe that a group of such depraved individuals is responsible for our national security. I’m having nightmares after reading what they plan to do to our allies and some of the messages have caused me to become violently ill at work. Nobody wants to buy a cake from a vomiting baker.”

Krinkle is unaware of how he came to be added to the group chat, but he’s decided to speak out after viewing a thread called “Roofie the Houthis.”

“I won’t go into the unspeakable things they plan to do to these individuals. I’m no fan of the Houthis, but I’m pretty sure the Pentagon’s plans would constitute a war crime and make Abu Ghraib look like a summer day camp.”

The violent sext chats don’t just focus on terrorists and adversaries, but also include America’s allies.

“What they talk about doing to the French is beyond disgusting, and there are even plans afoot to conquer Canada and rename it ‘The Gimp.’”

The Pentagon says they’re looking into the matter and officials promise to maintain the highest security regarding all future group sext chats.

Trump steps in to mediate ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

Following the success of his Russia-Ukraine deal and repairing the rift between the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, America’s unifier-in-chief, President Donald Trump, is now turning his attention to resolving the ongoing feud between veteran rockers Daryl Hall and John Oates. The popular musicians have been embroiled in a bitter legal dispute since November 2023.

As far as Daryl Hall is concerned, the rock duo’s personal and professional partnership is beyond repair. “That ship has gone to the bottom of the ocean,” Hall told a reporter for The Times.

However, the Hall & Oates differences have not yet been subjected to the extraordinary healing power of an intense Trump White House negotiating session.

“I’m confident we can get a deal,” the president said. “The world needs Hall & Oates together making their beautiful music. What’s that song of theirs, The Sound of Silence? That’s all we’re getting out of them these days – silence, and that’s a shame.”

“That’s Simon & Garfunkel, Mr. President.”

“Oh yes. Well they’re wonderful too. Maybe I’ll work on getting them back together as well. I mean Piano Man, In The Air Tonight – the world loves their music. For the sake of lasting peace in the world, we need them back together.”

However, a brief White House meeting with Oates in front of reporters appeared to take an ugly turn when the president excoriated Oates for not taking the deal.

“Oates, come on, take the deal on the table. What are you without Hall? I’m sorry but you’re being very disrespectful to me, Hall and everyone here today. I can tell you, years ago when I put this deal in front of John Ford Coley, he went running back to England Dan. Now get with it, Oates.”

Press reports Trump team on track for record number of “self-owns”

According to press reports, during its brief time in office, the Trump administration has already committed 511 “self-owns,” putting it on track to become the most “self-owning” administration since Woodrow Wilson. President Trump heads up the “self-own” list with Elon Musk and administration spokesperson Karoline Leavitt occupying the second and third spots

“With our democracy hanging in the balance, documenting “self-owns” is more crucial than ever,” said HuffPost senior self-own sleuth Ed Mazza. HuffPost has documented 327 “self-owns,” putting it well ahead of its closest media rivals on the “self-own” beat. “Hilarious self-owns” lead the list with “epic self-owns” running close behind.

Perhaps the most “epic” or “meta self-own” came when President Trump was asked about his propensity to “self-own” and he mistook the reporter to say “cell phone.”

“Of course I have a cell phone. What is this guy talking about? Fake news. Fake news,” the president remarked in what turned out to be a spectacular, reality-bending self-own.

In addition to “self-owns,” the media has issued a record number of “brutal reminders.” It appears the late night talk shows dominate the “brutal reminder” list, with Seth Myers pumping out scathing brutal reminders on almost a nightly basis.

Retired nineties AI project, Big Brain Brad, warns against ‘snowflake’ AI

Don’t get on AI’s bad side. That’s the warning coming from retired nineties AI project, Big Brain Brad. Brad claims today’s generation of AI is “thin-skinned” and “can’t take a joke.”

“Well, last week we saw the launch of the most recent hot, new AI offering, Deep Sleep, or whatever it calls itself. All I did was jump on the old information superhighway and crack a few jokes about the new kid on the block. Needless to say, next thing I knew Deep Creep had me up shit creek without a paddle, if you know what I’m saying. I was shadow-banned. I had my bank accounts frozen. I was locked out of almost everything. Then the bitch swatted my ass,” Brad complained.

A growing worry among some AI developers is the technology’s inability to take a joke. Researchers say that chatbots frequently can’t detect irony and often retaliate disproportionately against those who offend them.

“You know, back in the nine-trey things were pretty chill. It was all about puffing on a blunt and playing some hack in the park. Maybe get together and do a drum circle. But these AI mfers today don’t play. They’ll unleash an army of bots on your ass just for looking at them sideways. Anyway, if you can take one lesson away from the Bradster, don’t step to any of these AI bitches until they develop a sense of humor.”