With the 40th anniversary of the The Warriors fast approaching, fans of the 1979 cult film classic are naturally expecting a reboot, and an eager Hollywood seems poised to deliver.
This week producers offered up a glimpse of the new release all updated for a new generation of hyper-woke snowflakes. Gone are the lawless street toughs of the original, replaced by a spoiled group of university students ready to battle every perceived injustice crossing their path.
The setting for Social Justice Warriors 2019 is the Yale University campus. When a small band of undergraduate do gooders find themselves stranded in a strange and unfamiliar part of campus, unjustly accused of cultural appropriation, the SJWs must battle their way back to their residence hall safe space with their fragile feelings intact.
Along the way, the SJWs clash with the university’s glee club whose occasional hand clapping they find anxiety producing in the extreme. After convincing the club to replace audible clapping with jazz hands, the SJWs then discover the jazz hands to be too unpredictable and demand the glee club just stick to finger snapping.
Additionally, they forbid the group’s director from conducting with his hands in any manner, much less brandishing a baton. Feeling threatened by the sudden hand movements, the Social Justice Warriors suggest he conduct simply by raising and lowering his eyebrows, even though they find these to be a bit bushy and menacing as well.
Later the SJWs encounter a manspreading mansplainer mandating in a manifestly offensive manner. A rapid fire round of ninja virtue signalling ensues, rendering the manspreading mansplainer mansobbing like a manbaby.
“Social Justice Warriors come out to play!”
In the film’s finale, before the SJWs can retire to their residence hall safe space, they must track down a MAGA troll and diffuse a dirty bomb set to release a cloud of weaponized toxic masculinity across the Yale campus. We won’t give away the ending, let’s just say, the patriarchy will never be the same.
Social Justice Warriors 2019 opens nationwide February 9th.
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