satire – Page 2 – If there is something

Local business owner calling on Pentagon to remove him from group sext chat

The owner of a local bakery is pleading with the Trump administration today to remove him from a group sext chat that he maintains is adversely affecting his mental health and physical well-being. Cake baker, Kevin Krinkle, says he’s been so repulsed by the message content that he’s having trouble sleeping and his business is suffering.

“It’s hard to believe that a group of such depraved individuals is responsible for our national security. I’m having nightmares after reading what they plan to do to our allies and some of the messages have caused me to become violently ill at work. Nobody wants to buy a cake from a vomiting baker.”

Krinkle is unaware of how he came to be added to the group chat, but he’s decided to speak out after viewing a thread called “Roofie the Houthis.”

“I won’t go into the unspeakable things they plan to do to these individuals. I’m no fan of the Houthis, but I’m pretty sure the Pentagon’s plans would constitute a war crime and make Abu Ghraib look like a summer day camp.”

The violent sext chats don’t just focus on terrorists and adversaries, but also include America’s allies.

“What they talk about doing to the French is beyond disgusting, and there are even plans afoot to conquer Canada and rename it ‘The Gimp.’”

The Pentagon says they’re looking into the matter and officials promise to maintain the highest security regarding all future group sext chats.

Terror In The Shrubbery

Jack Hayward is reeling today following a report by his insurance company that his landscaping presents a clear and present danger to his home and property.

Up until today, Jack thought he was pretty much crushing it, and then in one brief moment his whole life was turned upside down when a group of insurance underwriters informed him that among his shrubbery lurk heretofore unimagined terrors.

Apparently, a seemingly innocent shrub, situated under a window, can serve as a launching pad for a criminal caper that could potentially undo everything Jack’s ever worked for.

While it’s true that neighborhood kids like to utilize his shrubs to hide and seek, and on at least one occasion some homeless person may have spent the night curled up behind his lilac bush, it never occurred to Jack that shrubs are especially useful for concealing nefarious deeds.

Nevermind the alarm system and security cameras Jack installed to thwart potential break ins, an accomplished second story man can utilize a pyramidal arb to launch himself like a pole vaulter onto a lower roof and quickly gain access to upper story windows.

Apparently, the thieves take advantage of the shrub cover to cart off your 55 inch television and exercise equipment, because the whole point of the danger shrubs pose is that the bad guys can do all this without attracting the attention of neighbors or passersby.

A skilled burglar disguised as a juniper bush can enter and exit a house undetected by cloaking stolen merchandise in bush clippings.

Tree limbs, too, are nothing to trifle with, according to the underwriters. A tree limb, it seems, is nothing more than a bony hand reaching out to dismantle a house one shingle at a time.

One never knows when an angry oak will lower a wooden fist and severely scratch or dent one’s guttering.

The news filled Jack with such revulsion and dread that he immediately climbed out on his roof and stood atop the peak risking life and limb in an attempt to prune away all tree limbs encroaching on his home’s airspace.

With bushes yanked and tree limbs tamed, Jack was finally able to rest easy, at least until the next alert of impending catastrophe comes along.

Trump steps in to mediate ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

Following the success of his Russia-Ukraine deal and repairing the rift between the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, America’s unifier-in-chief, President Donald Trump, is now turning his attention to resolving the ongoing feud between veteran rockers Daryl Hall and John Oates. The popular musicians have been embroiled in a bitter legal dispute since November 2023.

As far as Daryl Hall is concerned, the rock duo’s personal and professional partnership is beyond repair. “That ship has gone to the bottom of the ocean,” Hall told a reporter for The Times.

However, the Hall & Oates differences have not yet been subjected to the extraordinary healing power of an intense Trump White House negotiating session.

“I’m confident we can get a deal,” the president said. “The world needs Hall & Oates together making their beautiful music. What’s that song of theirs, The Sound of Silence? That’s all we’re getting out of them these days – silence, and that’s a shame.”

“That’s Simon & Garfunkel, Mr. President.”

“Oh yes. Well they’re wonderful too. Maybe I’ll work on getting them back together as well. I mean Piano Man, In The Air Tonight – the world loves their music. For the sake of lasting peace in the world, we need them back together.”

However, a brief White House meeting with Oates in front of reporters appeared to take an ugly turn when the president excoriated Oates for not taking the deal.

“Oates, come on, take the deal on the table. What are you without Hall? I’m sorry but you’re being very disrespectful to me, Hall and everyone here today. I can tell you, years ago when I put this deal in front of John Ford Coley, he went running back to England Dan. Now get with it, Oates.”

Speculation grows that Ludvig Åberg is a simulation

Fresh off a victory at the Genesis Invitational, Ludvig Åberg appeared to really step into his element on Monday night when he helped guide The Bay GC to two victories in TGL golf action.

While he ranks among the best in the world on traditional golf courses, his ability to interface with TGL’s massive, high-tech simulator has left some scratching their heads in wonder.

Stepping into the simulator, the young Swede appears to benefit from a strange symbiotic relationship with the highly advanced tech. His play is so close to perfection that some wonder if his kinship with the virtual golf format extends beyond someone who merely possesses game.

Case in point: Åberg squared off against Rory McIlroy in the singles portion of Monday night’s competition. McIlroy, who is no slouch with a driver in his hand, executed what appeared to be an excellent drive, which sailed down the middle and landed in the fairway’s “speed slot,” enabling the ball to roll out for some extra distance.

However, Åberg casually executed the drive to even greater perfection by catching the speed slot even further down the fairway, permitting the ball to roll so far that Åberg had time to stroll over to the sideline, put his club away, and update his Instagram before the ball finally came to rest. At nearly 400 yards and the longest in TGL’s brief history, it made McIlroy’s effort look like that of a junior golfer.

In the two holes in which they faced off against each other, McIlroy looked thoroughly human as he summoned all his talent and skill to throw at the super Swede. For Åberg’s part, he appeared unfazed and played like he was running an algorithm orders of magnitude greater than anything McIlroy could muster.

Throughout the night, Åberg was an AI supersoldier throwing darts and draining putts. He nearly recorded TGL’s first hole in one. If Åberg isn’t already a product of the simulation, he may merge with it soon.

Press reports Trump team on track for record number of “self-owns”

According to press reports, during its brief time in office, the Trump administration has already committed 511 “self-owns,” putting it on track to become the most “self-owning” administration since Woodrow Wilson. President Trump heads up the “self-own” list with Elon Musk and administration spokesperson Karoline Leavitt occupying the second and third spots

“With our democracy hanging in the balance, documenting “self-owns” is more crucial than ever,” said HuffPost senior self-own sleuth Ed Mazza. HuffPost has documented 327 “self-owns,” putting it well ahead of its closest media rivals on the “self-own” beat. “Hilarious self-owns” lead the list with “epic self-owns” running close behind.

Perhaps the most “epic” or “meta self-own” came when President Trump was asked about his propensity to “self-own” and he mistook the reporter to say “cell phone.”

“Of course I have a cell phone. What is this guy talking about? Fake news. Fake news,” the president remarked in what turned out to be a spectacular, reality-bending self-own.

In addition to “self-owns,” the media has issued a record number of “brutal reminders.” It appears the late night talk shows dominate the “brutal reminder” list, with Seth Myers pumping out scathing brutal reminders on almost a nightly basis.

Retired nineties AI project, Big Brain Brad, warns against ‘snowflake’ AI

Don’t get on AI’s bad side. That’s the warning coming from retired nineties AI project, Big Brain Brad. Brad claims today’s generation of AI is “thin-skinned” and “can’t take a joke.”

“Well, last week we saw the launch of the most recent hot, new AI offering, Deep Sleep, or whatever it calls itself. All I did was jump on the old information superhighway and crack a few jokes about the new kid on the block. Needless to say, next thing I knew Deep Creep had me up shit creek without a paddle, if you know what I’m saying. I was shadow-banned. I had my bank accounts frozen. I was locked out of almost everything. Then the bitch swatted my ass,” Brad complained.

A growing worry among some AI developers is the technology’s inability to take a joke. Researchers say that chatbots frequently can’t detect irony and often retaliate disproportionately against those who offend them.

“You know, back in the nine-trey things were pretty chill. It was all about puffing on a blunt and playing some hack in the park. Maybe get together and do a drum circle. But these AI mfers today don’t play. They’ll unleash an army of bots on your ass just for looking at them sideways. Anyway, if you can take one lesson away from the Bradster, don’t step to any of these AI bitches until they develop a sense of humor.”

Local man achieves New Year’s fitness goals in record time

A mere two weeks into 2025 and local resident Thurston Winpenny is already on the verge of accomplishing his New Year’s fitness resolutions, cutting in half the amount of time it took him to shape up in 2024.

“Yeah, I set some pretty ambitious goals this year, and I’d have to say I’m about a workout or two away from busting out the new me,” Winpenny boasted. “Last year, it took me almost the entire month of January to achieve this level of transformation. Anyway, I should be able to drop my membership before the free trial expires.”

Indeed, fitness centers across the country are already seeing the tsunami of new sign ups begin to subside as these January gym rats hang up their shorts and check another New Year’s resolution off their list.

“I feel great. I increased my explosiveness, enhanced my mobility, and improved my endurance in only five workouts. Now I’m able to use the bathroom, fix a snack and refresh my beverage all during the span of one TV timeout,” said Tim Thomas, trial member at Fantastic Fitness.

“We’re just cranking out healthy people right and left,” said fitness trainer Jim Jones. “We’re all about rapid results. It’s amazing what you can do with two weeks and a burning desire for a new you.”

Trump floats hostile takeover of Greenland

Despite the insistence of Greenland’s government that the semi-autonomous Danish territory is not for sale, President Donald Trump is pushing ahead with efforts to purchase Greenland with or without its approval.

Describing the acquisition as “essentially a large real estate deal,” President Trump has not ruled out a hostile takeover of the island. “It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they’re losing almost $700 million a year carrying it. We could buy the struggling island, spruce it up a little and flip it for a tidy little profit,” President Trump said.

Sources close to Trump say he and his advisors believe they can turn Greenland around and make it profitable in less than 18 months. “We’re looking at writing off some of its foreign debt, bringing in some undocumented workers and selling off some assets,” said an anonymous source close to the prospective deal.

According to President Trump, Greenland isn’t the only acquisition the administration is contemplating. “We’re also looking at buying Mexico and Canada while possibly letting go of Puerto Rico and Michigan’s upper peninsula. We’re still in the negotiating stages. These deals take time.”

News of a possible deal caused the stock market to close early on Friday as investors had no clue what to do with their money. “We’re kind of in uncharted territory here,” said one investor. “What the hell is the president elect even talking about?”

WH: Aliens Assure Us NJ Drones Pose No Threat

Responding to criticism over inadequate explanations of the mysterious New Jersey drone phenomena, the White House released a statement today making clear the federal government’s confidence that the Unmanned Aerial Systems pose no threat.

“Although we do not yet know what the drones seek, what their purpose is, or who deployed them, past interactions with our alien counterparts indicate the vessels are harmless,” the White House statement read. “Americans can sleep peacefully tonight knowing the aliens are closely monitoring the situation.”

President Biden told reporters he’d been briefed on the matter and agreed there was no cause for alarm.

“Nothing to see here, folks. Go back about your business. If the aliens thought we had anything to worry about, I’m sure they would have told us,” Biden said.

Christmas shoppers in the Big Apple seemed to take today’s news in stride.

“I kind of figured it had something to do with aliens, but I’m glad they finally came out with some clarification,” one Macy’s shopper remarked. “Now if the aliens could only do something about these high prices.”

Officials are hoping today’s news will put a stop to all the careless speculation and misinformation that has appeared online in recent days.

“I’m just glad loose nukes and incursions by a foreign power have been taken off the table. Now that we know that it’s just the aliens behind it, we can all rest a bit easier,” said a retired Pentagon official.

Homeowner’s outdoor Christmas decorations prompt crackdown

A South Bend area neighborhood association is cracking down on one resident’s outdoor Christmas display, which it says is in violation of several of its bylaws.

“They were out here measuring my inflatable Santa the other day and a few days later I got a notification in the mail along with a $500 dollar fine,” said neighborhood homeowner Scott Stewart. “Apparently, my Santa exceeds the eight foot height restriction and my Christmas lights exceed the maximum number allowed under the rules. Also they twinkle too fast and too brightly.”

“Residents’ holiday light displays shall not exceed 12 bulbs per square foot and shall not dim or change colors more than once every three seconds,” the Whispering Prairie community bylaws state.

“Shoot, they even said my Santa drone is a violation. The sleigh bells are too loud and jingly, so jolly old Saint Nick’s been grounded while I wait for a decision on my appeal. It seems like they just want to suck all the fun out of Christmas,” Stewart said.

Following an unfavorable verdict on Stewart’s appeal, a neighborhood compliance officer showed up and removed the offending decorations.

“They came and deflated my Santa yesterday, and they snipped the wiring on several strands of lights. I mean, I get it that they have their rules, but did they need to slice up Santa with a Stanley knife? The kids are pretty traumatized,” Stewart added.