Pentagon – If there is something

Local business owner calling on Pentagon to remove him from group sext chat

The owner of a local bakery is pleading with the Trump administration today to remove him from a group sext chat that he maintains is adversely affecting his mental health and physical well-being. Cake baker, Kevin Krinkle, says he’s been so repulsed by the message content that he’s having trouble sleeping and his business is suffering.

“It’s hard to believe that a group of such depraved individuals is responsible for our national security. I’m having nightmares after reading what they plan to do to our allies and some of the messages have caused me to become violently ill at work. Nobody wants to buy a cake from a vomiting baker.”

Krinkle is unaware of how he came to be added to the group chat, but he’s decided to speak out after viewing a thread called “Roofie the Houthis.”

“I won’t go into the unspeakable things they plan to do to these individuals. I’m no fan of the Houthis, but I’m pretty sure the Pentagon’s plans would constitute a war crime and make Abu Ghraib look like a summer day camp.”

The violent sext chats don’t just focus on terrorists and adversaries, but also include America’s allies.

“What they talk about doing to the French is beyond disgusting, and there are even plans afoot to conquer Canada and rename it ‘The Gimp.’”

The Pentagon says they’re looking into the matter and officials promise to maintain the highest security regarding all future group sext chats.

New reality program “Missing Billions” to air on CNBC

A new reality show pitting teams of contestants against one another to see who can lose the most money to waste, fraud and corruption will have its premiere on CNBC. Dubbed “Missing Billions,” the show is inspired by news stories of rampant fraud and financial mismanagement across multiple sectors from government, the military, banking, finance and nonprofit organizations.

“The recent FTX scandal shows what’s possible when you put a group of enterprising young people in an apartment together and give them access to billions of dollars. The level of corruption and fraud is astounding. I mean, the company’s founder Sam Bankman Fried loaned himself a billion dollars in walking around money. Leave it to those nutty young people to do something so daring, so nakedly corrupt and stupid,” said the show’s creator Lanny Milken.

Missing Billions’ producers say they will not just limit the pool of contestants to private sector shysters. Teams from government and the public sector will be called upon to put their talent for fraud and abuse on display as well.

“There is a potential emerging scandal coming out of the Pentagon over possible mismanagement of billions in military aid to Ukraine. Of course, we’re all aware of the Pentagon’s ability to disappear billions of dollars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Congressional appropriators and the military are unmatched when it comes to shoveling dough into a black hole. We would be remiss not to showcase their talents on our show,” Milken said.

Missing Billions also plans to feature bad actors from the world of charities and nonprofits.

“Probably the hottest growth area for financial fraud is the nonprofit sector. It was recently revealed that 47 people in Minnesota were charged in a fraud scheme to steal $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. Much of the misappropriation of funds involved a nonprofit called Feeding Our Future. Overall, the Department of Justice is investigating more than $8 billion dollars in suspected pandemic fraud. Turns out even the do-gooders are do-badders,” Milken said.

Missing Billions will feature all the secret schemes, dirty tricks and classic corruption. “All will be revealed,” Milken promises. “A wise man once said, ‘You don’t know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.’”

Strange sightings of breath mint shaped objects continue to puzzle officials

Pentagon officials are at a loss to explain a flood of reports of breath mint shaped objects flying over U.S. military bases. Following the 2017 release of the now famous Tic Tac video, sightings of similar objects have increased dramatically. Now Defense Department officials are ready to concede the objects may be, “off-world vehicles not made on this earth.”

“Who on this earth would design a flying object shaped like a breath freshening candy? They must originate from some other world. Perhaps a world of crisp, icy coolness,” said one anonymous Pentagon official.

In addition to the Tic Tac encounter, witnesses of other sightings describe a Lifesaver shaped object.

“This object definitely had a hole in it,” said one Navy pilot. “It flew right over me, coming within 200 feet of my aircraft, and I peered right up through the center of it. At that moment, what I can only describe as an explosion of frosty freshness washed over me and my aircraft.”

Pilots on patrol near the arctic circle describe a similar experience. However, in addition to maneuvering through the air in ways that defy the known laws of physics, these objects were also able to plunge into the icy ocean waters.

“The object resembled an Ice Breakers Mint. The entire outer shell of the craft appeared to be dotted with sparkling crystals, from which flowed an invigorating rush of coolness. Far from freaking out, our entire formation was overcome with a sense of icy calm. Whatever these things are, they seem pretty chill,” said the anonymous pilot.

In spite of the visitors’ otherworldly ability to deliver freshness wherever they go, government officials would still like to know where they come from and why they’re here.

“We don’t know much about their world except that it probably experiences only two seasons: Wint O Green and Pep O Mint,” said the Pentagon official. “So far, though, they seem pretty peaceful. Unless they’ve come to conquer our world by freshening the shit out of it.”

Trump eludes congressional oversight, may not escape Amazon oversight

This time Trump may have stepped in it. Amazon has filed a notice in the U.S. Court of Federal Claims over a $10 billion dollar Pentagon cloud contract awarded to rival Microsoft.

Initially considered a frontrunner for the lucrative contract, Amazon Web Services watched the deal slip away after a presidential directive to ‘screw Amazon’ went out to then Defense Secretary James Mattis and the DoD.

Suspecting political interference, Amazon would prefer to use traditional means to learn more about the awarding of the contract by deposing current Defense Secretary Mark Esper as well as Mattis and President Trump.

Barring traditional means, Amazon has indicated a willingness to utilize its extensive network of data devices and cloud access to uncover who said what to who and when.

“You don’t think all those Echoes and Dots are out there just sitting idly by waiting for someone to ask what’s on tv tonight, or those Kindles and Fires are waiting to take you on a magical adventure, do you?” asked Amazon’s AWS chief Andy Jassy. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Amazon’s surveillance reach extends well beyond the home and deep into the halls of power. President Trump would shit himself if he knew what we have on him. Actually, we have extensive recordings of the President shitting himself. It’s really quite disgusting.

“All this is to say, the president may get away with obstructing Congress, but when it comes to Amazon the truth will out. Mr. President, you picked the wrong tech giant to fuck with.”