Congress passes $817 billion relief package for struggling Pentagon

Fresh off the Defense Department’s fifth failed audit, Congress came to the rescue Friday authorizing $817 billion to be pumped into the gaping black hole that is the Pentagon’s gargantuan budget.  Congressional leaders hope the massive appropriation is enough to temporarily satiate the Pentagon beast and satisfy its ravenous appetite.  Citing inflation concerns, officials say this year’s budget represents a nearly ten percent increase over the previous year.  

“Inflation being what it is, we expect our capability and readiness to mismanage a shit ton of funding to increase as well,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin.  “Projections indicate losses due to waste, fraud, abuse and criminality to grow dramatically in fiscal year 2023.”

Austin’s comments appear to align with the results of the most recent defense department audit where 1,600 auditors failed to account for 61 percent of the Pentagon’s assets.  Pentagon Comptroller Mike McCord described the failed audit as a “teachable moment.”

“I would not say that we flunked. The process is important for us to do, and it is making us get better. It is not making us get better as fast as we want,” McCord said. 

Despite the waste, fraud and abuse, lawmakers cite the need to outpace foreign rivals as the driving force behind the increased funding. 

“Month after month, year after year, competitors such as China are methodically pouring money and planning into upgrading and modernizing their own militaries,” croaked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “They are constantly probing new ways to expand their military, intelligence, economic, and political reach — indirectly or directly threatening American forces and our allies’ and partners’ forces.”

Indeed, China spent a whopping $230 billion last year on its defense.  The figure marked a seven percent increase in probing new ways to threaten the United States over the previous year.  

Additionally, the mainstream media’s favorite bogeyman and number one threat to American democracy Russia has announced it will spend $84 billion on defense in 2023, a 40 percent increase over its previously allocated amount.  At its present pace, Russia could overtake what the United States spends on Ukrainian defense as early as 2024.

To be sure, with all the perceived threats looming out there, Congress can’t shovel money fast enough into the bottomless abyss that is the United States Defense budget.  Additionally, members of both parties and the media are having none of this talk of budget oversight or negotiated solutions to ongoing conflicts.  “Don’t speak of diplomacy and things that don’t explode, you Russian stooge,” warn the paid experts and former intelligence officials on MSNBC and at the Washington Post.

Strange sightings of breath mint shaped objects continue to puzzle officials

Pentagon officials are at a loss to explain a flood of reports of breath mint shaped objects flying over U.S. military bases.  Following the 2017 release of the now famous Tic Tac video, sightings of similar objects have increased dramatically.  Now Defense Department officials are ready to concede the objects may be, “off-world vehicles not made on this earth.” 

“Who on this earth would design a flying object shaped like a breath freshening candy?  They must originate from some other world.  Perhaps a world of crisp, icy coolness,” said one anonymous Pentagon official.

In addition to the Tic Tac encounter, witnesses of other sightings describe a Lifesaver shaped object.   

“This object definitely had a hole in it,” said one Navy pilot.  “It flew right over me, coming within 200 feet of my aircraft, and I peered right up through the center of it.  At that moment, what I can only describe as an explosion of frosty freshness washed over me and my aircraft.” 

Pilots on patrol near the arctic circle describe a similar experience.  However, in addition to maneuvering through the air in ways that defy the known laws of physics, these objects were also able to plunge into the icy ocean waters. 

“The object resembled an Ice Breakers Mint.  The entire outer shell of the craft appeared to be dotted with sparkling crystals, from which flowed an invigorating rush of coolness.  Far from freaking out, our entire formation was overcome with a sense of icy calm.  Whatever these things are, they seem pretty chill,” said the anonymous pilot.

In spite of the visitors’ otherworldly ability to deliver freshness wherever they go, government officials would still like to know where they come from and why they’re here.

“We don’t know much about their world except that it probably experiences only two seasons: Wint O Green and Pep O Mint,” said the Pentagon official.  “So far, though, they seem pretty peaceful.  Unless they’ve come to conquer our world by freshening the shit out of it.”