humor – If there is something

Rash of leaf blower thefts reported

Investigators arrested a man they believe is responsible for a rash of leaf blower thefts in this normally crime-free neighborhood of Paw Paw, Michigan.

Reports of the thefts first emerged a couple weeks ago when homeowners went to undertake the annual ritual of removing fallen leaves from their lawns only to discover that the leaf blowers were missing from their garages.

After weeks of investigation, detectives zeroed in on a man who had been making a number of disparaging comments about leaf blowers in neighborhood Facebook groups.

Joseph Brickman, age 62 of Paw Paw, wrote in one thread that the sound of leaf blowers “wheezing throughout the neighborhood” was driving him crazy and that he intended “to do something about it.” However, no one paid any attention to Mr. Brickman because no one ever paid any attention to Mr. Brickman.

Brickman commented that the near constant noise of 2-stroke engines revving was like “living next to a go-kart track.” He also compared the sound to a moose call and complained that he worked nights and couldn’t get any sleep during the day as a “cacophony of lonely moose” made it impossible for him to get any peace.

Investigators became even more suspicious of Brickman when they observed him silently using a rake to gather his leaves into piles. After questioning Brickman, he allowed them to search his garage where they discovered dozens of leaf blowers stashed under a tarp. Brickman explained that he’d acquired the devices over the years, but they all “broke down because they’re pieces of junk.”

Eventually, authorities were able to trace the leaf blowers back to their owners and now the decibel level in the neighborhood has returned to normal.

Halloween undergoes months of intense whiteboarding

On the eve of Halloween, a group of youngsters in Munster feel they are finally ready for the festivities to get underway after months of intense whiteboarding and strategizing.

Topics of concern for the myriad whiteboard sessions included costume selection and preparation, neighborhood selection and route scouting, a comprehensive review of previous trick or treat experiences, and development of a candy rating system designed to maximize accumulation of the most desirable treats.

“We really whiteboarded the shit out this Halloween,” said ten-year-old Preston Metcalfe. “Halloween only comes once a year, so our approach has been that we cannot afford to leave a single stone unturned when it comes to raking in a candy harvest that is second to none. I mean, I need this Halloween booty to get me through until Christmas.”

Metcalfe explained that in the past too much time has been wasted in neighborhoods where there is low participation and trick or treaters are forced to cover too much distance between participating households. So Metcalfe and his team identified five “hotzones” in town where they feel the candy is most plentiful and accessible.

Additionally, the team’s rating system has prioritized houses that have traditionally handed out the biggest and tastiest treats while downgrading dwellings that put an emphasis on healthy or eco-friendly snacks.

“We spent months poring over data to come up with our map. Additionally, we’ve already walked the route several times, identifying areas of concern and making appropriate adjustments. If all goes well, this will be the most bountiful Halloween ever,” Metcalfe said.

Washed up NFL QBs deployed to streets of American cities

In an effort to combat the chaos brewing in America’s largest cities, federal officials are considering deploying former NFL quarterbacks and intoxicated sports announcers to the nation’s streets to quell disorder.

“We just want to get them out there and try to turn down the temperature a little bit,” one official noted.

Over the weekend, former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was out patrolling the streets of Indianapolis, Indiana, hunting for ne’er-do-wells, when he encountered an individual he thought was attempting to steal used cooking oil from a downtown hotel.

Sanchez confronted the man and body slammed the 69-year-old in an alley behind the hotel. It turns out the man was a legitimate grease truck driver who was authorized to remove the grease from the hotel.

“Mr. Sanchez trusted his instincts on this one and turned out to be wrong, but you got to like his spunk and desire to sniff out the bad guys,” the official said.

Police noted that prior to his encounter with the grease truck driver, Mr. Sanchez had altercations with two sanitation workers and a document shredder, who all abandoned their suspicious activity when confronted by Sanchez.

As Sanchez lay in bed this morning feeling like he’d been sacked by a Mack Truck, he remarked to reporters that he wished he was better at avoiding trouble than he was at evading defenses.

Parallel Parking Crisis

Among the many things we as a society should be concerned about regarding the younger generation is their inability to parallel park. Student loan debt, AI, social isolation, mental health and a lack of affordable housing are all things young people are going to struggle with going forward. But the chief indicator that these kids are not ready for the future is their inability to parallel park.

As I sat on my front porch the other day, I witnessed the neighbor kid spend 20 minutes trying to parallel park his car. I’m not sure who was more lame in this situation – the guy who struggled to park his car, or the old timer who had nothing better to do than watch the whole wretched scene unfold. I fought mightily against the urge to run to his aid and impart my four decades of experience and wisdom. No doubt, he would have welcomed the neighbor standing on the sidewalk, making hand signals and shouting instructions. But this felt like a lesson he had to learn on his own. In the end, he succeeded in getting the little Toyota in the space with only two wheels up on the sidewalk.

Helpful hint: If you hit the curb with your rear wheel before you get a chance to cut the front end into the space, you’re fucked. Pull out and start again. You’re not going to succeed in forwarding and reversing into the space. Unless your idea of success is parking halfway onto the sidewalk. You have to start cutting the front end into the space when you still have at least six inches of space between the rear wheel and the curb. Today’s back up cameras make this maneuver a little easier, but I’m old school, so I just use The Force.

Sometimes when you’ve cut the front end halfway into the space and you feel like your rear wheel could hit the curb, you can make some midstream adjustments. But this is some next level parallel parking and should only be attempted once you get the basics down.

I’m aware that a bad parallel parker has options. Self-parking cars are already a thing, and I’ve even heard there’s an app that, for a small fee, sends out a distress signal to master level parallel parkers who will come park your car for you. Most of these guys are Uber drivers and off-duty valets. So, don’t despair, impress that special someone and learn how to parallel park.

Morning of unrest at the doughnut shop

Serious grumblings nearly escalated into violence at the doughnut shop this morning over excruciating wait times to get served. Witnesses report customers began to grow hostile after a series of large doughnut orders frustrated and enraged patrons waiting in line.

Tempers flared as yet another customer ordered enough doughnuts to feed a biker rally.

“Okay, I’m going to need eight dozen. Give me two chocolate frosted, one with sprinkles. I’ll take a cinnamon glazed, two double chocolate, one apple spice, two long johns…”

“With or without cream filling?” the doughnut lady asked.

“One with, one without. Okay, where are we at?”

“Nine down, only 87 more to go.”

Patrons let out audible groans as they glanced at their watches, mindful of the time left before the start of work. The next customer in line stepped up to the counter.

“How many please?” the attendant asked.

“I’m going to need an even dozen dozen.”

A chorus of protestations and curses went up from the waiting throng.

“For the love of God, man. Are you trying to feed every police and fire station in the county?” someone shouted.

Trying to be helpful, a man at the back of the line calmly asked the doughnut lady if they might open an express lane for people ordering 12 doughnuts or less. The request fell of deaf ears.

“Please, sir. Please think of my children,” a mother implored the gentleman ordering 144 doughnuts. “Their energy level is quite diminished and they need a chocolate frosted with sprinkles before they go to school. Could you please find it in your heart to stand aside for a moment and let them be served?”

“Fat chance!” the man grumbled.

After several more gargantuan orders, it became apparent that the stacks of trays that once contained a seemingly limitless number of doughnuts, rolls, and fluffy pastry now appeared mostly sparse. Panic set in as the realization hit that the day’s supply of doughnuts was close to running out. A number of patrons raced for the door, desperate to get to the next doughnut shop. Others pushed to the front of the line shouting out their last orders.

“Please, I just need a twister!”

Then the doughnut lady, who had been toiling since 2:00 in the morning, thanked her customers and closed up shop having sold all her doughnuts before 9:00 a.m.

Bookstore (No Books)

Recently the fam and I spent the weekend back in my old college town. Despite the fact that my wife and kids love it when dad shows them his old haunts and regales them with stories of his college days, I found myself alone again while the family unit was off making candles.

With football season right around the corner, and me still rocking fashion from a previous millennium, it felt like I was due for an update to my university athletic apparel. Pretty much every retailer close to campus sells it, but I thought in order to get the real goods maybe I should visit the campus bookstore for the officially licensed merch. Despite having three floors of t-shirts, hats, hoodies, sweats, jerseys, golf apparel, banners and bedding, nothing really stood out as a must have, so I decided to stick with my crummy old outdated shirts and sweat stained ball caps and left the bookstore empty handed.

However, after walking for about ten minutes, reflecting on how much the bookstore had changed in the last thirty years, it dawned on me that the university bookstore didn’t contain any books. In the olden days, the lowest level was entirely devoted to stocking texts for the current semester, while the upper levels featured merch and apparel. Now, the whole place was a massive gift shop superstore, yet they still called it a bookstore.

So where the hell do students get their books these days if not the campus bookstore? Do they even use books? When was the last time I saw a kid with a book in his hands? After all, that would necessitate prying the smartphone from fingers palsied by a constant and unrelenting grip on a smart device. “From my cold dead hands,” is the response I got last time I attempted to extract a smartphone from a young person.

Clearly, they have no need for books. They probably just sit down in class and the professor says, “Okay, class, open the internet to page blah, blah, blah,” and they go from there. Of course these days even looking stuff up on the internet has become so much of an imposition that we now have several versions of artificial impersonators that will do the research for us, summarize findings, and even produce scholarly works.

I know, there he goes again, the old man yelling at technology. Fact is, they probably download class materials onto tablets and computers, and it undoubtedly costs them a small fortune, as it always has.

Anyway, I could get to the bottom of this Bookstore (No Books) situation simply by asking a powerful computer brain for help, but I’d rather just ask a student when I get a chance. As for the brainiacs down there at the University of Science Bookstore, you probably ought to think about changing the name to Gift Shop.

Celebrity owners left with only ‘seeds and stems’ after pot shop pilfered

It was a rude wake and bake for Bill Maher and Woody Harrelson after their Hollywood pot shop was the target of a smash-and-grab robbery over the weekend.

Witnesses say the pair arrived Saturday morning at The Woods WeHo to discover the shop had been looted and only a handful of seeds and stems had been left behind by the robbers.

Harrelson was heard to exclaim, “I think I feel something,” as the pair puffed away on what little cannabis remains could be scavenged from the carpet and between couch cushions.

The co-owners then attempted to brew some tea from the leftover seeds and stems. However, it is unclear if the pair were able to “catch a buzz.”

Surveillance video of the incident shows a vehicle struggling to parallel park moments before the robbers emerged from a smoke-filled SUV and staggered to the door.

According to KTLA5, “The video shows them shattering a glass window, rushing into the store, filling bags with merchandise and then fleeing within seconds.”

However, the video later shows the trio fleeing on foot after they realized they’d inadvertently locked the keys in the vehicle.

Local man backs out of Met Gala invite at last minute

City resident, Ed Brush, took to his favorite social media app, MySpace, today to explain his last minute decision to back out of Monday night’s Met Gala extravaganza.

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I was unable to attend this year’s Met Gala event at New York’s famed Metropolitan Museum of Art. Ultimately, a number of considerations led to this very difficult decision.

“Firstly, I did not have time to make it to J.C. Penney to pick up my suit for the event. Organizers suggested I’d be fine wearing nothing more than a tasteful blazer. When I explained that I can’t get any of my old blazers to button anymore, they suggested I accessorize with a strategically worn white tube sock. When I realized that all my tube socks have holes and the elastic is worn out, I decided to ditch that idea,” Brush said.

Having settled on a blue blazer over a flesh colored bodysuit, Brush next set about arranging transportation to the event.

“The second thing that happened was I learned that I would not be able to catch a ride on AOC’s Fighting Oligarchy tour jet, and that if I wanted to rub elbows with the champagne socialists, I’d have to ride coach. Being a man of the people, I had no problem travelling coach. However, apparently wearing a flesh colored bodysuit through the airport tends to attract the attention of TSA, and they detained me for questioning. Strangely enough, telling them who I was and where I was going failed to hasten the proceedings.

“Anyway, sorry AOC, Kamala, Alex, Whoopi, Rihanna, Nicole, Lisa, I’ll have to catch up to you next year,” Brush concluded his message.

City council approves resolution to buy man’s living room

The city council of Dowagiac, Michigan approved a resolution last evening to proceed with the purchase of a city resident’s living room. Despite protestations from the owner, Ted Lunsford, the resolution passed by a 7-0 vote.

The city of Dowagiac is planning to add a turn lane and expand a high traffic intersection. Unfortunately for Lunsford, his living room sits squarely in the middle of the proposed turn lane.

“Tell me, what am I supposed to do without a living room?” Lunsford asked the council during public comments on the motion. “Where am I gonna put my recliner and how am I gonna watch football? I already got cars passing four feet outside my window. Some smartass motorist stops and asks me the score of the Lions game. Now you want to take that whole corner of my home.”

“It’s in the way of progress, Mr. Lunsford. We made you a very generous offer based on the market rate per square foot. Additionally we’ve offered to cover the cost of moving your living room to a place of your choosing,” the council president said shortly before calling for a vote.

“Where am I gonna put it?”

“That’s your problem, Mr. Lunsford. We’re all tired of waiting in traffic at that congested intersection just so you can sit in your cozy recliner and watch tv. Now, all in favor of turning Mr. Lunsford’s living room into a right turn lane say ‘Aye,’” the council president said and the measure unanimously passed.

Per the resolution, Lunsford has 30 days to vacate his living room. With no long term solution in sight, Lunsford plans to relocate his three-piece sectional, La-Z-Boy recliner, 46-inch flatscreen and 30-gallon exotic fish aquarium to the garage for the time being. However, city officials have warned him not to get too comfortable, as they are already eyeing his driveway and garage for a potential future offramp.

Masters patron left hanging on attempted McIlroy fist bump

Masters patron Phil Rickle left The Masters golf tournament in a huff Sunday after tournament champion Rory McIlroy left him hanging on a congratulatory fist bump. Claiming to be one of McIlroy’s biggest fans, Rickle told reporters he’d never root for the Northern Irishman again after being rebuffed on national television.

A highly emotional McIlroy had just sunk the winning putt and was sharing an embrace with his wife and daughter when the snubbing occurred.

“Look, I get it that McIlroy wanted to share the moment with his family and all, but he can’t take a second while he’s hugging his wife to reach out and knuckle bump his biggest fan while I’m standing there offering it. I mean, he left me hanging in front of the whole world. I looked like the biggest boob.

“I followed the dude around all day Sunday and yelled out ‘MASHED POTATO!’ and ‘BOOM SHAKALAKA!’ after every shot. I shouted ‘DESHAMBLES!’ every time Bryson screwed up. I was there for Rors. I don’t see why he couldn’t spare a quick bumpy knuckles with his homie,” Rickle said.

Following the tragic Masters experience, Rickle is currently weighing his options.

“I’ll probably start following Bryson. Maybe I’ll get a little more appreciation over at LIV.”