Tag: Anthony Fauci

Fauci Hears A Hu

Despite recent revelations identifying three scientists at the Wuhan Lab as the first suspected cases of Covid-19, Dr. Anthony Fauci is standing by his public assertions that U.S. funded gain of function research was not performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the Covid-19 virus was the result of zoonotic spillover.

“Information provided by U.S. intelligence reports indicates that the coronavirus outbreak was indeed zoonotic in origin and that the culprit was a wild Hu.  I believe officials are now saying that the wild Hu became loose inside the Wuhan Lab and that it infected other scientists, which eventually led to the massive outbreak infecting billions across the globe,” Fauci said in a statement.     

In the past Fauci and other public health officials have pointed to pangolins and racoon dogs as possible sources of the coronavirus outbreak.  The recent information identifying Wuhan scientist Ben Hu as patient zero has Fauci feeling vindicated.

“From the start we have maintained that no gain of function research was performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the virus was not man made.  Now that we know that this strange, exotic Hu creature was the cause of the pandemic, and that myself and my colleague, Dr. Francis Collins, were in no way responsible for a coverup relating to the origins of Covid-19, I think a huge apology is in order by Senator Rand Paul and others who have questioned our credibility and our reputations as scientists,” Fauci said.

Fauci further indicated that he is not done investigating Covid’s origins, and that he owes it to The Science to get to the bottom of this outbreak.    

“How this Hu creature came to be infected is anybody’s guess.  I’ve consulted with my colleague, Dr. Seuss, who has written a very good paper on this subject, but it is yet unclear what might have infected the Hu.  Perhaps a Sour Kangaroo or some other such exotic beast,” Fauci said.

Fauci unbound

At a press conference on Thursday, top White House Covid-19 advisor, Anthony Fauci, said he feels liberated to be working for the Biden administration, following a year working for that awful man whose name shall no longer be spoken. 

“The idea that you can get up here and talk about what you know. What the evidence, what the science is, and know that’s it – let the science speak – it is somewhat of a liberating feeling,” said a visibly looser and more carefree Fauci.

“It was really something that you didn’t feel that you could actually say something, and there wouldn’t be any repercussions about it,” said Dr. Fauci, commenting on his time working for the slick orange villain.

Donning a lab coat and a head mirror, Fauci continued to describe working for the Biden administration and the life-changing experience it has become.  “I just feel like I’ve been living with this secret for so long.  I have all this science bottled up inside me, and now I can finally let the world know, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

“Let the science speak!” Dr. Fauci began to conjure.  “Oh, sons of Hippocrates, open your mouths and let the science be heard. Your words shall banish all the ignorance and misinformation that rust-colored monster hath wrought upon the land.  Let his name no longer be spoken by any woman-born.  Let us from this day forward stuff the spray-tanned beast back into his hole and let the science speak.” 

After Fauci had finished invoking science, he resumed briefing journalists on the Biden administration’s efforts to combat Covid-19.  “We’ve set a fairly lofty goal of vaccinating 100 million Americans in 100 days.  This science based plan departs sharply from the previous administration’s plan, if you can call it that, to vaccinate a million Americans a day.  However, we have decided to extend the former president’s April directive to research rectal light beam therapy as a potential cure for Covid-19.”