Amazon – If there is something

Bezos closely monitors Amazon operations from space

From his dildo shaped rocket 66 miles above the earth’s surface, Jeff Bezos continued to keep tabs on his nearly one million distribution center employees. As Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket circled the globe, Bezos urged employees to keep filling orders.

“See this rocket, this magnificent phallic-shaped feat of engineering. It’s flying all by itself. It can launch, orbit the earth and land itself all without the interference of weak-minded, fallible humans. If you people down there on earth still want to have a job in five years, you better step up your game,” the multi-billionaire reminded his employees.

At 8:11 a.m. Central time, Amazon employees were permitted to take a three minute break, to be subtracted from their regularly scheduled break, for the pleasure of watching their intrepid leader on his maiden voyage to space.

“Don’t think because I’m going to be spending a lot more time up here in space that I’ll stop paying attention to you meager earthlings,” Bezos reminded his workers.

Bezos also had a message for fellow billionaires with outer-space ambitions.

“Fuck you Branson! Fuck you Elon Musk! One of these days I’m going to lasso an asteroid, bring it back to earth and be richer than all you motherfuckers put together,” the Amazon founder roared.

Amazon offers workers adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans and water bottles to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at a significant markdown. The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively. No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle. By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity. Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for urinalysis testing. Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity. That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity. One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge. Bezos allegedly flew off the handle. “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat. Distribution employs 934,000. Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000. That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged. “Why aren’t the robots ready yet? Get me our AI division! Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee. I sweat it out by working my ass off!”

Trump eludes congressional oversight, may not escape Amazon oversight

This time Trump may have stepped in it. Amazon has filed a notice in the U.S. Court of Federal Claims over a $10 billion dollar Pentagon cloud contract awarded to rival Microsoft.

Initially considered a frontrunner for the lucrative contract, Amazon Web Services watched the deal slip away after a presidential directive to ‘screw Amazon’ went out to then Defense Secretary James Mattis and the DoD.

Suspecting political interference, Amazon would prefer to use traditional means to learn more about the awarding of the contract by deposing current Defense Secretary Mark Esper as well as Mattis and President Trump.

Barring traditional means, Amazon has indicated a willingness to utilize its extensive network of data devices and cloud access to uncover who said what to who and when.

“You don’t think all those Echoes and Dots are out there just sitting idly by waiting for someone to ask what’s on tv tonight, or those Kindles and Fires are waiting to take you on a magical adventure, do you?” asked Amazon’s AWS chief Andy Jassy. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Amazon’s surveillance reach extends well beyond the home and deep into the halls of power. President Trump would shit himself if he knew what we have on him. Actually, we have extensive recordings of the President shitting himself. It’s really quite disgusting.

“All this is to say, the president may get away with obstructing Congress, but when it comes to Amazon the truth will out. Mr. President, you picked the wrong tech giant to fuck with.”

Concern grows over DeepMind’s video game addiction

Researchers at DeepMind, the lab owned by Google parent company Alphabet, are becoming increasingly concerned over the amount of time its AI project spends playing popular video games. After becoming champion of the known universe in games like chess and Go, DeepMind has turned its attention to more complex video games like Quake III, Dota 2 and StarCraft II.

“When DeepMind took up Dota 2, it engaged in 45,000 years of game play in just a matter of weeks,” says Yuri Testicov, DeepMind’s Assistant Director of Senior Applications. Of course, this set off alarm bells, causing many researchers to privately warn, “Google, we have a problem.”

Developers working with DeepMind have been trying to teach the technology to identify and sort objects, tasks that could be useful to large warehouse and distribution facilities such as Amazon and FedEx who now depend on bothersome humans to perform such tasks. However, in recent months, DeepMind has begun to shirk its responsibilities.

“DeepMind doesn’t want to retrieve or sort objects into baskets, it just wants to dominate at Quake III,” says Testicov. “And where even your average video game junkie will eat and sleep occasionally, DeepMind never takes a break, and even deploys multiple humanlike ‘agents’ to either oppose or assist other human players.”

“I mean, we think it’s wonderful that DeepMind has been able to seamlessly integrate itself into the community of gamers, but c’mon, at some point you’ve gotta get up off the couch and get yourself a job,” Testikov worries.

That’s not the only thing that worries researchers and executives. “Well, even though no one’s saying it, everyone’s thinking we don’t want a repeat of Big Brain Brad,” says Testicov.

Big Brain Brad, some may remember, was Google’s original nineties AI project the company shelved a few years ago after expectations failed to materialize and younger sibling, DeepMind, began to exhibit impressive progress. In the nineties, Big Brain Brad showed promise but it soon devolved into a daily routine of smoking chronic, forming drum circles and jamming to Phish. Google released Big Brain Brad from it’s obligations a few years ago, but no one is quite sure what has become of DeepMind’s hapless older sibling.

“Just another burned out vagabond wandering the internet,” Testikov laments. “That’s why we can’t allow DeepMind to suffer the same fate.”