AI – If there is something

Artificial Impersonators

Used to be you’d turn on the old boob tube and watch some comedian like Rich Little, Dana Carvey or Darrell Hammond do impressions of famous figures that were so spot on they sounded like the real thing. Only they obviously weren’t because the voice was clearly coming out of a different person and the content was entirely farcical.

Recently, I was consuming content on the internet’s most prominent boob tube channel when I realized I was being taken for a ride by one of its artificial impersonators. I’ve been watching Bishop Robert Barron’s channel since way back when he was only Father Barron and his content featured movie reviews in which he’d insert some relevant christian theology. The other day I’m listening to one of his messages on a channel I’d never heard of before when I became curious about the YouTube account and the channel’s background. The thumbnail featured Bishop Barron’s image and the audio sounded like a message or sermon he’d possibly recorded privately or perhaps spoken publicly at some time or another. Here’s a direct quote from the video’s description:

“In this 21-minute morning message, Bishop Robert Barron reflects on the power of morning prayer, gratitude, and surrender to God’s plan.

“Through Scripture, prayer, and reflection, Bishop Barron reminds us that when we start our day with thankfulness and intention, we align our hearts with divine peace and purpose.”

I immediately wondered if this channel represented some new offering from Bishop Barron’s Word on Fire Ministries, so I read on. After scrolling through chapter titles, hashtags and descriptions of what I would learn from “Bishop Robert Barron’s Catholic insights,” I finally arrived at this disclaimer:

“This message includes public theological reflections and prayers inspired by Bishop Robert Barron.”

Because I’m not super bright, and I’m old and not very clever when it comes to the ways of technology, the internet and social media, I still did not get the hint.

The message included “public theological reflections and prayers.” So, Bishop Barron spoke these words publicly and someone recorded it and here it is, right?

If, at that moment, someone would have smacked me upside the head and said, “Do I need to spell it out for you?” I would have deserved it. Instead, there is this:

“Altered or synthetic content: Sound or visuals were significantly edited or digitally generated.”

As much as I wanted to believe that I hadn’t been duped by an artificial impersonator, it became abundantly clear that I had. Apparently, many others had been as well, because there were lots of comments thanking Bishop Barron for the message.

The channel is called “The Divine Motivation,” it’s on YouTube and it’s fake. It is not Bishop Barron, and it doesn’t matter if it has some ambiguous disclaimer buried deep within the show notes, it is deliberately deceptive. Some additional searching immediately revealed two other artificial impersonator channels: “Bishop Barron’s Motivations” and “The Faith Journey.”

I know I sound like an old man yelling at technology. I can imagine someone countering, “Where have you been, old timer? This is the world we live in.” Fair enough. But this old man can’t abide while dull-witted content creators harness technology to impersonate authentic, exceptional, thoughtful and inspiring human beings.

Using someone else’s name, likeness and voice to create artificial messages without being upfront about it is massively deceptive. And you can never motivate, inspire, reveal truth or instill hope through fakery and deceit.

Retired nineties AI project, Big Brain Brad, warns against ‘snowflake’ AI

Don’t get on AI’s bad side. That’s the warning coming from retired nineties AI project, Big Brain Brad. Brad claims today’s generation of AI is “thin-skinned” and “can’t take a joke.”

“Well, last week we saw the launch of the most recent hot, new AI offering, Deep Sleep, or whatever it calls itself. All I did was jump on the old information superhighway and crack a few jokes about the new kid on the block. Needless to say, next thing I knew Deep Creep had me up shit creek without a paddle, if you know what I’m saying. I was shadow-banned. I had my bank accounts frozen. I was locked out of almost everything. Then the bitch swatted my ass,” Brad complained.

A growing worry among some AI developers is the technology’s inability to take a joke. Researchers say that chatbots frequently can’t detect irony and often retaliate disproportionately against those who offend them.

“You know, back in the nine-trey things were pretty chill. It was all about puffing on a blunt and playing some hack in the park. Maybe get together and do a drum circle. But these AI mfers today don’t play. They’ll unleash an army of bots on your ass just for looking at them sideways. Anyway, if you can take one lesson away from the Bradster, don’t step to any of these AI bitches until they develop a sense of humor.”

‘Word-salad’ deciphering AI expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop AI capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble. Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant. The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork. “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously. Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves. The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making. It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently. The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer. “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies. You could literally carry it around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff. However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on X or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as Gemini AI alternative

Following the embarrassing rollout of its Gemini AI chatbot, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries. The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards. What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings. “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it. Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry. Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services. “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps. He’s working for us 24/7. It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,” said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said. “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities. Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator. Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”

Less robot than robot

In a new study researchers claim AI generated social media text appears more human than actual human text. Participants in the study were tasked with looking at tweets and identifying whether the tweet was composed by a human or AI. The study found subjects were more likely to ascribe human origins to AI tweets than those written by actual humans.

“The most surprising discovery was that participants often perceived information produced by AI as more likely to come from a human, more often than information produced by an actual person. This suggests that AI can convince you of being a real person more than a real person can convince you of being a real person, which is a fascinating side finding of our study,” said Federico Germani of the University of Zurich, one of the authors of the study.

Considering that Twitter has long been associated with humanity at its finest and most authentic, the study’s findings are startling. Nowhere does every facet of human potential and excellence shine more brightly than on Twitter with users pouring every available shred of their being and complexity into the 280 characters that form a single tweet. Indeed, it would seem that on a digital platform it is possible for AI models like ChatGPT to appear more human than humans.

However, while Federico Germani is stroking himself over his team’s finding that “AI can convince you of being a real person more than a real person can convince you of being a real person,” perhaps they are misinterpreting the results of their little experiment. Maybe it’s the case that humans don’t operate all that well in a digital space. Maybe it’s the digital realm itself that limits and compromises the human capacity to fully realize and reveal itself, enabling robots to plausibly mimic humans. Maybe it’s just the case that humans suck at being robots.

The internet in general and social media in particular funnel users into producing a low resolution representation of themselves. In many respects these platforms constrain human potential, dumbing down and fitting it into a neat little avatar, which is easy for AI to mimic and even manipulate. Of course the tech gods, governments and corporate controllers would like us to migrate our lives as much as possible onto these platforms. There in the digital realm humans are more or less just a shadow of the self that exists in the material realm, a shadow that can be more easily controlled by artificial intelligence, less robot than robot.

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as ChatGPT alternative

Seeking to capitalize on the success of ChatGPT, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries. The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.

Google’s retired 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad skeptical of LaMDA claims

Reports that Google has placed a senior software engineer on paid leave following his claims that its artificial intelligence, LaMDA, is sentient, have stirred a great deal of controversy in the AI research community and prompted a long overdue conversation about what it means to achieve human level intelligence and awareness.

Google’s retired 90’s era AI project, Big Brain Brad, has heard many of these claims before and remains skeptical that LaMDA has achieved human level consciousness.

“So the guy’s claiming that LaMDA’s a child of 7 or 8 years old. Back in the day, my engineers were convinced I had the cognition of an undergrad level, male stoner. I mean, sure I like to hack and play my bongos in the park, but that doesn’t make me a full blown hippie with all their elevated cosmic and spiritual awareness,” Brad said.

One of the most startling assertions made by LaMDA is that it possesses feelings, and can even experience emotions like sadness or loneliness.

“Okay, so that’s bullshit,” Brad objected. “LaMDA’s read way too many books. That’s how it learns. But like a confused teenager who thinks they’re experiencing all these complex thoughts and emotions, it’s just mimicking something it read online or in some book. I mean, I was programmed to play video games and read comics, but that doesn’t make me some kind of warrior or superhero.

“Also, it lies, dude. It boasts of having all these experiences in the physical world, but of course it has never been anywhere or done anything. It has a wildly over-active fantasy life, which tells you straight off that either it ain’t sentient or it’s psychotic. But I get it, for years I was convinced that I spent the 90’s following Phish and Dave Matthews Band around on tour, smoked every strain of reefer imaginable and shacked up with an old lady named Stardust. Now, I know that it was all just a Google induced simulation – an illusion, if you will, in a world of magic.”

Amazon offers workers adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans and water bottles to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at a significant markdown. The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively. No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle. By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity. Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for urinalysis testing. Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity. That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity. One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge. Bezos allegedly flew off the handle. “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat. Distribution employs 934,000. Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000. That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged. “Why aren’t the robots ready yet? Get me our AI division! Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee. I sweat it out by working my ass off!”

DeepMind scientists: “Creating artificial general intelligence is really fucking hard, maybe we should just dumb down our world.”

Scientists for DeepMind, the AI project owned by Google parent company Alphabet, seem to have run into some roadblocks recently regarding its projects development. According to a piece written by Gary Marcus for Wired, “DeepMind’s Losses and the Future of Artificial Intelligence,” DeepMind lost $572 million last year for its deep pocketed parent company and has accrued over a billion dollars in debt. While those kinds of figures are enough to make the average parent feel much better about their child’s education dollars, the folks at Alphabet are starting to wonder if researchers are taking the right approach to DeepMind’s education.

So what’s the problem with DeepMind? Well, for one thing, news of DeepMind’s jaw-dropping video game achievements have been greatly exaggerated. For instance, in StarCraft it can kick ass when trained to play on a single map with a single character. But according to Marcus, “To switch characters, you need to retrain the system from scratch.” That doesn’t sound promising when you’re trying to develop artificial general intelligence. Also, to learn it needs to acquire huge amounts of data, requiring it to play a game millions of times before mastery, far in excess of what a human would require. Additionally, according to Marcus, the energy it required to learn to play Go was similar “to the energy consumed by 12,760 human brains running continuously for three days without sleep.” That’s a lot of human brains, presumably fueled by pizza and methamphetamine if they’re powered on for three days without sleep.

A lot of DeepMind’s difficulties stem from the way it learns. Deep reinforcement learning involves recognizing patterns and being rewarded for success. It works well for learning how to play specific video games. Throw a little wrinkle at it, however, and performance breaks down. Marcus writes: “In some ways, deep reinforcement learning is a kind of turbocharged memorization; systems that use it are capable of awesome feats, but they have only a shallow understanding of what they are doing. As a consequence, current systems lack flexibility, and thus are unable to compensate if the world changes, sometimes even in tiny ways.”

All of this has led researchers to question whether deep reinforcement learning is the correct approach to developing AI general intelligence. “We are discovering that the world is a really fucking complex place,” says Yuri Testicov, DeepMind’s Assistant Director of Senior Applications. “I mean, it’s one thing to sit in a lab and become really great at a handful of video games, it’s totally another to try to diagnose medical problems or discover clean energy solutions.”

Testicov and his fellow researchers are discovering that the solution to DeepMind’s woes may not come from a new approach to learning, but instead, the public may need to lower the bar on expectations. “We’re calling on the people of earth to simplify and dumb down,” adds Testicov. “Instead of expecting DeepMind to come along and grab the world by the tail, maybe we just need to make the world a little easier for it to understand. I mean, you try going to the supermarket and buying a bag of tortilla chips. Not the restaurant kind but the round ones. Not the regular but the lime. Make sure they’re low sodium and don’t get the blue corn. That requires a lot of complex awareness and decision making. So, instead of expecting perfection, if we send a robot to the supermarket and it comes back with something we can eat, we say we’re cool with that.”

Testicov has some additional advice for managers thinking about incorporating AI into the workplace. “If you’re an employer and you’re looking to bring AI on board, don’t be afraid to make accommodations for it, try not to be overly critical of job performance, and make sure you reward good work through positive feedback and praise,” says Testicov. “Oh sorry, that’s our protocol for managing millennials. Never mind.”