Billions come forward alleging non-consensual relationship with McDonald’s

In what’s being described as a McMe Too moment, billions of diners have come forward detailing years of gastro-intestinal abuse at the hands of fast-food giant McDonald’s. 

News of the removal of McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook over an alleged consensual relationship with an employee has prompted a flood of complaints against the fast-food company.  Most detail an ongoing pattern of dietary abuse by McDonald’s Corporation and its subsidiaries toward unsuspecting patrons. 

“We would usually meet up in the mornings before work,” described one victim who wishes to keep their identity private.  “I tried to break it off several times but they keep luring you back.”

Most of the complaints describe a persistent and systematic pattern of harassment where the individual is targeted in their home through the television or over the internet.  “They don’t take no for an answer. They even get you in your car. I see one of those billboards, and the next thing I know, I’m in the drive-thru lane ordering a McRib,” said one man.  

Scientific studies seem to lend credence to consumer complaints.  One study found that just the sight of the iconic golden arches caused low-level activation of salivary glands in 72 percent of subjects tested.  Traffic studies have shown that 23 percent of motorists passing a McDonald’s will turn in and patronize the establishment.

Stories of extreme gastro-intestinal distress are not uncommon.  “I spend about half an hour in the bathroom everyday after lunch,” offered one man without prompting.  

“The introduction of a Big Mac into the digestive tract appears to cause alarming levels of instability,” offered nutrition expert Dr. Sheila Birdsong.  “Let’s not mince words here, the results can be literally explosive. The GI tract’s response to the presence of a Big Mac is to expel it as soon as humanly possible.  This can result in a number of undesired outcomes that can range from dehydration to public humiliation to lost time at work.”      

Employer’s estimate they lose hundreds of billions of dollars due to lost productivity caused by frequent employee bathroom breaks, and many are pointing at McDonald’s as the source of the problem.  Some have even threatened legal action to end McDonald’s predatory practices.