aliens – If there is something

WH: Aliens Assure Us NJ Drones Pose No Threat

Responding to criticism over inadequate explanations of the mysterious New Jersey drone phenomena, the White House released a statement today making clear the federal government’s confidence that the Unmanned Aerial Systems pose no threat.

“Although we do not yet know what the drones seek, what their purpose is, or who deployed them, past interactions with our alien counterparts indicate the vessels are harmless,” the White House statement read. “Americans can sleep peacefully tonight knowing the aliens are closely monitoring the situation.”

President Biden told reporters he’d been briefed on the matter and agreed there was no cause for alarm.

“Nothing to see here, folks. Go back about your business. If the aliens thought we had anything to worry about, I’m sure they would have told us,” Biden said.

Christmas shoppers in the Big Apple seemed to take today’s news in stride.

“I kind of figured it had something to do with aliens, but I’m glad they finally came out with some clarification,” one Macy’s shopper remarked. “Now if the aliens could only do something about these high prices.”

Officials are hoping today’s news will put a stop to all the careless speculation and misinformation that has appeared online in recent days.

“I’m just glad loose nukes and incursions by a foreign power have been taken off the table. Now that we know that it’s just the aliens behind it, we can all rest a bit easier,” said a retired Pentagon official.

Las Vegas police remove alien monolith citing safety and environmental concerns

A prism shaped alien monolith was recently discovered by Las Vegas Metro Search and Rescue in an area near Gass Peak about an hour north of the city. The 77 inch structure had to be removed due to improper permitting and safety concerns.

“A message to the aliens: if you’re going to drop one of your monolith devices in our community, you better take out a permit,” LVMPD said in a post on Facebook.

No one is exactly sure whether the aliens have a presence on Facebook.

“A communication monolith is subject to municipal and county zoning restrictions as well as FCC regulations,” the message continued. “Before erecting an interdimensional portal device, one would need to go through an extensive permitting process and be approved by the city’s building department. Also, a number of environmental impact studies would need to be performed. Most of these permits can be obtained for a reasonable fee at the Clark County Building Department on Russell Road.

“At this point, the monolith is in violation of several state and local ordinances. It has been impounded and will be released to the owner when all fines have been paid and it is shown to be in compliance with said ordinances,” the message concluded.

Authorities confirmed no alien representatives have appeared at the police station to retrieve the monolith. Some officials speculate the aliens may be abandoning attempts at global domination due to extensive and burdensome red tape.

Gargantuan alien monolith appears in small midwestern city

Residents of a sleepy midwestern city awoke Saturday morning to discover a four-story stone monolith in their midst. Officials are at a loss to explain when exactly the towering structure appeared and how it got there.

“Friday night there was nothing there but an empty lot. This morning there appeared a new addition to the city skyline. We have no idea who put it there or how it was constructed. There is no heavy equipment or machinery in sight, and the ground surrounding it is undisturbed,” said the city’s mayor who requested he and his town remain anonymous, fearing an onslaught of visitors to the area.

Local police reported no sightings of unidentified aerial phenomenon in the area overnight, leaving officials at a loss to explain how the monolith came to be at that spot on the downtown landscape.

“I’m thinkin’ it was built underground and pushed up to the surface in the middle of the night,” said one local resident.

An engineering professor at a local university had another theory. “What we’re most likely looking at is the product of some advanced nanotechnology of which we are presently unfamiliar. If indeed aliens built this monolith, they probably directed a tiny, undetectable probe to the area from which millions of nanobots emerged and fabricated the structure. Who knows, it may have been erected in a manner of minutes.”

Researchers at the site have confirmed they believe the monolith to be hollow. Although the structure contains no doors or windows, researchers have said they can detect activity inside.

“Undoubtedly they’re building something inside the monolith. What they’re building is anybody’s guess. Maybe a transformer or some space/time portal,” said the professor. “Whatever it is, we should know their intentions soon enough.”

Update: Moments before this story was issued for publication, authorities confirmed the alien monolith is actually a cinder block elevator shaft and part of a larger terrestrial construction project. Turns out nobody paid any attention to it until all this monolith business began.

Utah investigators believe aliens obtained monolith materials from local hardware

Investigators in Utah are interviewing employees of local hardware stores in an attempt to ascertain where a group of fugitive aliens purchased their monolith building materials. The aliens are being sought in connection with the discovery of a large silver monolith in a remote and protected area of the Utah desert.

“The components of the monolith do not appear to be otherworldly, as far as we can tell. The sheet metal and rivets bear similarities to what one might find at any hardware or building supply store. That is why we need to speak with store employees to find out whether they encountered these alien interlopers,” said an investigator with the Utah Department of Public Safety.

Interviews with store clerks have generated few leads and nothing promising, so far. Investigators are also looking into whether the aliens may closely resemble earthlings.

“We are not excluding the possibility that building materials of their world are identical in nature to Earth’s, and that they could have brought their own. However, due to the constraints of interstellar space travel, we think it’s likely they acquired their monolith materials here on earth. We’re also looking into the possibility that they may have outsourced the fabrication of the monolith to somewhere in the United States or China, and simply took delivery of the object once they arrived in our world,” said the investigator.

A store clerk at a Home Depot not far from the monolith site acknowledged that he’d been interviewed by investigators.

“Yeah, they asked me if I noticed any suspicious activity at the store, like someone speaking an unfamiliar language or trying to pass some strange currency. I told them I seen a dude who spot on resembled Ace Frehley of KISS. I don’t know, that might be something,” said the clerk.

Utah authorities want to speak to the aliens that erected monolith

Utah Department of Public Safety officials are asking anyone with information about the aliens that erected a large silver monolith in a remote part of the desert to please come forward.

“We’re asking anyone who may have seen a saucer shaped object in the area to please contact us. No tip is too insignificant. Maybe you noticed some special markings, perhaps you got a license plate. Whatever the case may be, if you saw an alien spacecraft or some weird looking space dudes acting suspicious, then we want to hear from you. Don’t think, well those probably weren’t the alien dudes they’re looking for. Let us decide that,” said a department spokesperson.

Whoever or whatever installed the monolith damaged the land by cutting into the rock in which it rests. Authorities are not disclosing the exact location of the monolith, fearing a curious public who may do further damage to the land, or possibly destroy Native American artifacts nearby.

“A word of warning to the alien offenders, the area where the monolith was constructed is federal land and is protected by the Bureau of Land Management,” said the spokesperson. “I don’t care what planet or galaxy you’re from, you’ve violated the law of the United States of America, and you haven’t tasted justice until you’ve tasted American justice. A nice comfy cell in the federal pokey awaits you, and let me tell ya, them boys in the pen know how to take care of little green men.”

Air Force to treat Storm Area 51 visitors to dazzling air show

If you’re one of the 1.3 million to RSVP the Storm Area 51 Facebook event planned for this September, the Air Force would like you to know they have some special surprises in store. A first of its kind air show awaits all visitors who “access the area,” according to an Air Force spokesperson.

“The Air Force has planned a truly interactive experience for anyone trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces,” says Laura McAndrews, spokesperson for the United States Air Force. “A dazzling array of military hardware will engulf the visitor with sound and fury, and members of our own armed forces will be on hand to make sure your visit to Area 51 is truly memorable.”

“Come, experience the thrill of being strafed by one of our supersonic fighter jets, or take a wild ride in a military transport vehicle. Bring the whole family as you experience the ‘shock and awe’ of an Air Force fireworks display igniting the desert sky into a hellish mosaic of flickering light and flames.

“You’ll enjoy deluxe accommodations as we put you up in the same hotel where we keep our extra-terrestrial guests,” McAndrews continued. “And no stay at Area 51 would be complete without a visit to our relaxing spa. Here you can enjoy an ‘out of this world’ massage, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself poked, prodded or anally probed.”

Reservations for the September 20th event are still available on Facebook. Attendees will meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center where shuttle buses will provide transportation to the site.