Mostly bullshit – Page 4 – If there is something

It appears the Terminator Toothbrush story is just a false alarm

Not since Orson Welles incited mass hysteria with his 1938 War of the Worlds radio broadcast has a media event caused so much global panic.

First reported in a Swiss newspaper, the story of three million hacked toothbrushes repurposed as conscripts in a botnet army with the mission of taking down a Swiss company turns out to be more fiction than fact.

According to Fortinet, a security company that helped promote the story, a massive force of Terminator Toothbrushes did not cause millions of euros of financial damage:

“To clarify, the topic of toothbrushes being used for DDoS attacks was presented during an interview as an illustration of a given type of attack, and it is not based on research from Fortinet or FortiGuard Labs. It appears … the narrative on this topic has been stretched to the point where hypothetical and actual scenarios are blurred.”

Not so fast, though. Just because millions of sleeper agent toothbrushes weren’t activated to carry out cyber attacks doesn’t mean it couldn’t theoretically happen. It seems smart toothbrushes, smart refrigerators, smart electric blankets and smart bean bag chairs have very poor security and could be mobilized to carry out computer hacks at a massive scale.

The false alarm has incited deep paranoia among users of these ordinary household gadgets, with many living in fear of something as seemingly innocuous as a smart toaster or an internet lampshade. This has caused many to reimagine our dystopian future as one where humans become slaves to our home appliances.

Perhaps we’re already there.

Man unsettled by appearance of decapitated snowman on his lawn

While shoveling his walk early this morning, Mr. Arthur Brown was startled to discover the decapitated remains of a snowman lying on his lawn. What he at first mistook as possibly a snow covered soccer ball, on closer inspection turned out to be a head. The snowman’s carrot nose and a single arm lay nearby. The rest of the torso was missing. The remains lay a few feet from an alley that runs along the property, indicating that a car may have stopped and deposited the snowman’s parts sometime during the night.

“It was pretty gruesome. Nothing prepares you for a sight like that. I mean, some kid probably made that snowman, and for some sicko to come along and remove the head and throw it in some stranger’s yard, what kind of evil person does such a thing?” Mr. Brown said.

Suspicion immediately fell upon some neighborhood vandals. “Over the holidays we had a group of teens stirring up trouble. They took the lights from one neighbor’s festive display and rearranged them to spell the word ‘TITS’. Real cool,” Mr. Brown said sarcastically.

According to police, this most recent discovery is not an isolated incident, but part of a pattern of snowman slayings city-wide. “This is our third snowman slaying this month,” said Detective Russ Cole of the Riverbend Police Department. “Somebody in this town really hates fucking snowmen. At first he’d try to bury the remains under some fresh powder or hide them behind some bushes. Now he’s just leaving them out in the open, like he’s trying to send us a message. I tell you, spring can’t come soon enough for this town.”

Pressure on LIV Golf to acquire some underdogs

Within minutes of amateur Nick Dunlap’s historic PGA Tour victory, Greg Norman’s texts were lighting up with demands from his Saudi overlords to bring the same level of excitement and drama to LIV Golf.

“Are you seeing this, Shark? Why don’t we have any Cinderella stories? LIV needs drama, Greg Norman! Spare no expense. Buy us some amateurs! Get us some underdogs, Shark!” the texts read.

The Alabama sophomore’s improbable victory over some of the PGA Tour’s finest highlighted what’s special about the PGA Tour and exposed one of LIV Golf’s most glaring weaknesses. LIV Golf can’t produce the high-drama, engrossing narratives that are a recurring attraction on the PGA Tour.

A tour composed almost entirely of entitled, overpaid wicked stepsisters playing exhibition golf will never produce any Cinderella stories. Who looks back on any NBA season and goes, “Wow, that was some All-Star Game!”?

I know, somebody’s going to come at me with the Chili Dippers defeat of the Sandbaggers in the team finals as an example of pressure-packed, LIV Golf high drama at its finest. Sure, I’m old school and I don’t get it.

“Greg Norman,” the texts continue, “get me a journeyman golfer who is about due for a breakthrough victory. We need a couple of almost washed up tour veterans who yearn to taste victory one more time. Buy me some fearless young guns ready to announce their arrival to the world. Whatever it takes, Greg Norman. There is plenty of money in the bottomless PIF.”

State university grad admits most of his college party stories were ‘borrowed without attribution’

A former Indiana University student is coming clean today after it was recently revealed that most of his college party stories were either wholly or partially lifted from other people’s work, and that he failed to properly credit the source of those stories.

“It is with a heavy heart that I admit to you today that I have at times engaged in duplicative language when relating past tales of college drunkenness. I hope that today’s admission can be a critical first step in winning back the trust of friends and loved ones,” said 48-year-old Kyle Simmons.

The admission stems from an incident that occurred at Nick’s English Hut in Bloomington, Indiana, following a recent IU basketball game. Simmons sat at a table of fellow alumni, throwing back pounds of Bud and swapping beer-soaked stories, when a middle-aged gentleman at a table nearby overheard a tale that sounded awfully familiar. After the man confronted Simmons, Simmons agreed to publicly correct the record.

“The stories I’ve been telling all these years are actually the work of Kevin “Corn Dog” Edwards. For the record, I never inadvertently vomited on the back of my roommate’s head. That was Corn Dog. Nor did I ever perform an acrobatic ten minute keg stand. Again, credit where credit is due, that was the great Corn Dog. Finally, I never belly flopped from a stairwell into an inflatable pool of Milwaukee’s Best. That remarkable feat was performed by the flying Corn Dog.

“I’d like to thank Corn Dog for the opportunity to set the record straight. Some say I stole Corn Dog’s work. Let me be clear, I object to that characterization. I never stole, I merely borrowed Corn Dog’s stories without notifying him or providing proper attribution. I sincerely regret my use of replicated phraseology and hope that my alumni group will see fit to keep me on as a member,” Simmons concluded.

United States calling for humanitarian pause in ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

As the nation embarks on what could be an extremely contentious presidential election cycle in 2024, Americans are calling on chart-topping rock duo Hall & Oates to set aside their professional differences for humanity’s sake.

Experts agree that a possible Hall & Oates separation has the potential to spiral out of control very quickly.

“I’m sorry, but we need a unified Hall & Oates right now. We’ve got war in Ukraine. The fighting in Israel and Gaza is tearing us apart. We have two unintelligible geezers running for president. Come on, Hall & Oates, say it isn’t so,” complained former Obama campaign chief David Axlerod.

Officials inside the administration agree, the American people are clearly not ready for a protracted legal battle between Daryl Hall and John Oates.

“The administration needs to get on top of this. This is not good for an incumbent president going into an election year. The images of Hall & Oates fighting it out in court every night are not something the country is prepared to handle. Like a flame that burns a candle, the candle feeds the flame,” said one senior administration source.

Mediators are working furiously around the clock in an attempt to resolve the conflict before it escalates further.

“My friends wonder why I call them all the time, what can I say? I don’t feel the need to give such secrets away,” a court appointed mediator revealed, but declined to elaborate.

However, counsel for the defendant, Oates, has filed several motions decrying the aggressive tactics employed by Hall’s attorney.

“She’s deadly, man, she can really rip your world apart,” Oates’ attorney wrote in his brief.

For now, Americans are just trying to make the best out of a potentially catastrophic situation.

As one fan revealed, “My baby heard Hall & Oates were suing each other and she just split. No warning. She’s gone.”

Local man’s outdoor Christmas decorations attract scrutiny

A Fishers area man is facing the possibility of hefty fines today after his outdoor Christmas decorations were deemed to be in noncompliance with his neighborhood association’s bylaws.

Jeff Ross has been ordered to pay $500 for multiple violations ranging from a Santa that is too large to excessive and obtrusive lighting displays.

“My Santa is over eight feet tall, which is a violation, and my lighting display exceeds the number of lights allowable per square foot. Also, there seems to be an issue with the frequency with which the lights twinkle,” Ross said.

“Residents’ holiday light displays shall not exceed 12 bulbs per square foot and shall not dim or change colors more than once every three seconds,” the community’s bylaws state.

Having exhausted all his appeals, Ross has resigned himself to paying the fine and removing the offending decorations.

“They came and deflated my Santa yesterday, and they snipped the wiring on several strands of lights. I mean, I get it that they have their rules, but did they need to slice up Santa with a Stanley knife? The kids are pretty traumatized,” Ross said.

Asked for comment, the neighborhood association issued a statement: “We’re looking into the excessive force complaint leveled against our compliance officer. We strongly condemn violence in all its forms. If we determine that the rights of the jolly old elf were violated, we will take appropriate action.”

Massive interstellar doobie passing through solar system continues to puzzle scientists

Scientists have confirmed that an object first identified in 2017 passing through our solar system is a massive, deep space doobie hailing from a distant galaxy. Calling the object Oumuamua, astronomers have traced its origins to the Sativa star system located 35 light years away in the obscure Crystal Skull Galaxy.

Little is known about this hidden galaxy except observers in 2008 were able to identify a handful of habitable planets, and that deep radio bursts originating from that location were broadcasting Hawkwind’s Space Is Deep off their 1973 live album Space Ritual. This left scientists puzzled as to why a recording by an earthbound rock band would be disturbing the neighbors in a far flung galaxy.

“We don’t consider our music to be bound by this earth at all. It is totally unsurprising that our music is rocking outer space,” said Hawkwind founder Dave Brock in a recent interview.

The object is believed to be a minimum of 100 meters long and 35 meters thick, making it three times longer than the largest known terrestrial doobie. Unable to identify its means of propulsion, scientists have noticed that its tip usually glows more brightly when it accelerates, and that it emits a long swirling plume of exhaust.

Efforts to communicate with the object have produced modest results. Revealing a lack of familiarity with earth measurements of space and time, a communication from the space joint claimed it had been travelling for over 10,000 Dopesmokers, presumably referring to the length of time it takes to listen to legendary stoner rock band Sleep’s 1998 classic, Dopesmoker, which clocks in at a little over an hour long.

Astronomers agree more study is warranted. As for Brock, “Just imagine the wicked cosmic jam I could produce if I got a hit off that spliff.”

People are talking about all the times they were “quiet baked” at work and the internet is buzzed

Quiet quitting, quiet firing, quiet hiring, it seems you can’t pick up the internet these days without reading about how the workplace is being transformed in very subtle ways by Millenials and Gen Z.

Sensing a change in attitudes about how we think and talk about work, Gen Xers are also beginning to unburden themselves regarding the unspoken practices they’ve brought to their working routine.

“I’ve been ‘quiet baked’ at work for decades,” said Roger Ambrose, a line cook at a very upscale Chicago eatery. “I used to wait until my shift was over to fire up a bowl, but eventually I just said, ‘fuck that.’ I need to establish a more healthy work/life balance.”

So Roger started getting baked before work, at break and sometimes even in the restroom. But rather than ask his supervisor for permission, Roger took it upon himself to quietly carve out a little time for himself to attend to his mental health.

“Well, the truth is, my boss was getting super stoned as well. I mean, he was so bloodshot and pie-eyed, I just figured he’d never notice if I snuck a toke or two,” Roger said.

“‘Quiet baking’ is a rejection of extreme ‘hustle culture,’” said leadership expert and Tik Tok guru Emily Armstrong. “These workers are turning their back on the notion that if they go above and beyond their regular duties, then they will be rewarded with raises, bonuses and promotions.”

“That sounds about right,” said Roger. “Often I make sure I get a little ‘quiet compensation.’ As long as I get the waitstaff ‘quiet baked,’ they don’t notice if a few bucks go silently missing from the tip jar.”

Shot callin’ Pickleballin’

Pickleball has found itself in something of a pickle. Its two biggest professional leagues have declared all-out war on one another, leaving fans wondering if the sport can survive this division within its ranks. Players are being forced to take sides and millions of dollars are at stake. Not since the East Coast-West Coast hip hop feud of the 90’s has a rivalry loomed so large in the public consciousness.

“I’m not saying this to be conceited, but usually when I call someone in pickleball they call me back,” Connor Pardoe, one of Pickleball’s biggest ballers, told Yahoo Sports. He’s the founder of the Professional Pickleballers Association. The gentleman not returning his calls would be Major League Pickleballs owner and billionaire Steve Kuhn.

We had a truce, but you was only stallin’

Since last November, an uneasy truce has reigned in the world of professional pickleball with players allowed to compete in both leagues. All that ended when Kuhn started recruiting pickleball’s top talent and offering million dollar contracts to the game’s biggest stars, household names like Tyson McGuffin.

It’s all a game until the bodies start fallin’

Both sides agree, a pickleball war isn’t good for anybody. But when so much money and power is on the line, the temptation to assert who has the biggest pickle gets in the way of peace and prosperity for all. Pardoe still holds onto hope, “We gave clarity to TV networks. We gave clarity to sponsors. We were able to put the Wild Wild West to bed. We had a tour where the best players played.…If I could bring that back, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

Experts propose increased smoking and hard drinking as solution to members serving too long in Congress

Diane Feinstein had difficulty casting a voice vote. Mitch McConell froze up for what seemed like an eternity in front of a gaggle of reporters. Incidents like these have many people wondering if members of Congress are staying in office too long. The Senate currently has five active members over the age of 80 while the House has 15. Californians are already having open discussions regarding who will replace Senator Feinstein, even though she has yet to announce her retirement and reports of her death are greatly exaggerated.

One policy institute thinks they have a solution. “We desperately need to bring back cigarette smoking and hard drinking among our congressional leaders,” says R. J. Morris of the Center for Integrated Solutions or CIGS. “In the past when Congress partied like it was 1979, heart attacks, strokes and terminal illnesses would cut short most politicians’ ability to serve beyond 70 years old. Now lawmakers think they’re just hitting their legislative prime when they reach 70.”

Many are skeptical that bringing back the smoke-filled rooms and alcohol-soaked bull sessions constitutes a viable path forward. They also point to CIGS receiving a bulk of its funding from the tobacco and spirits industries as a reason to question their motives. That’s why some experts have proposed term limits as a more realistic solution.

“Congress isn’t going to vote to term limit itself. The job is too lucrative. No, the only path forward is to get them hooked on smoking, and if they won’t smoke voluntarily, then we’re just going to have to pump second hand smoke into their congressional chamber. The myriad of health problems that can be achieved is only limited by our ability to imagine what is possible,” Morris says.