Month: December 2021

White House pledges to rebuild Build Back Better bill

A frantic Chuck Schumer called into the Oval Office on Thursday.  Sensing the desperation in his voice, administration officials immediately put the Senate Majority Leader on speaker with President Biden.  “White House, I can’t hold her!  She’s breaking up!  She’s breaking up!”  With that, Biden’s Build Back Better bill crashed and burned, and along with it the hopes and dreams of the American people.  

The ambitious soft infrastructure bill which was variously marketed to Americans as a six trillion dollar bill, then a 3.5 trillion dollar bill, then a two trillion dollar bill failed to generate enough support in the Senate.

After winning the presidency, retaining 50 seats in the Senate and claiming a commanding seven seat edge in the House last election, Democrats sensed it was time to enact the most ambitious social spending bill in American history.  

The American people were giddy with anticipation over how much the Democrats would spend.  Should they go for the whole six trillion dollar enchilada or settle for a more modest three trillion dollar taquito?

At the end of the day, mean old Senators Manchin and Sinema shot it down with their failure to support the package.  Some Dems have already signaled a willingness to primary the pair.  Manchin hails from a state that supported Trump by a 38 percent margin and Sinema narrowly squeaked out a victory in a state that until her sent a pair of Republicans to the Senate.  Still, many Dems see a primary challenge from the left as a winning strategy. 

However, the White House has not given up hope that the bill can be revived.  After surveying the damage, President Biden addressed Democratic leadership, “Build Back Better, a bill barely alive.  Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it.  We have the technology.  We can build it back better than it was.  Better…stronger…faster.  It will be the world’s first six trillion dollar bionic bill.”

Bill Gates expects his predictions to achieve 100% unreliability in the coming months

After staring for days into Future Gazer, a specially designed Windows app that reveals future events exclusively to multi-billionaire Bill Gates, the newly divorced granddaddy of tech issued his most recent series of pronouncements to a world crying out for clarity in these uncertain times.

Gates began by describing coronavirus endgame version 5.0, writing in his blog, “It might be foolish to make another prediction, but I think the acute phase of the pandemic will come to a close some time in 2022.”  With those words humanity breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The oracle had spoken…again.  Only this time he’d eliminated all the bugs and defects that infected previous predictions and was now accurately foretelling events.      

Still one big question hung in the air, would BG address the Omicron variant?  As if hacked into the world’s collective consciousness, Gates delivered the goods.  “The world is better prepared to tackle potentially bad variants than at any other point in the pandemic so far.  We’re in a much better position to create updated vaccines if they’re needed,” he wrote.   

The people rejoiced!  Bill Gates, expert on everything under the sun by virtue of having several billion dollars, revised his predictions and this time you can take them to the bank.  And the bank won’t return them marked “insufficient funds.”

Gates went on to make a number of additional predictions regarding issues like global warming and overpopulation.  However, Gates ended the blog post on a curious note.  “I fear my ability to accurately foretell the future may be faltering.  The pandemic appears to have taken a toll on my powers of clairvoyance.  Months ago, I really thought brick and mortar schools were a thing of the past and e-learning was here to stay.  That forecast appears to have been little more than wishful thinking.  Sadly, barring a cognitive upgrade, there will undoubtedly come a time when my predictions cease to be relevant.  Until then, ladies, Bill the Thrill is still available and ready to party.  Furthermore, it might interest you all to know, I’m a dancing machine.”

Retailers offering smash and carry holiday savings

This year’s holiday shopping season has seen a number of new door-busting additions to popular Christmas shopping themed days like Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  Increasing numbers of consumers are avoiding the long checkout lines that waste their time and cut into their bottom line, opting instead for the smash and grab approach.  

In response, retailers like CVS and Target have added Looting Tuesday to the list of days when shoppers can expect exceptional holiday savings.  Looting Tuesday events are planned at locations across the country.  For those who pre-register, some retailers are offering to commemorate your Looting Tuesday experience by capturing it on security video and sharing it for free.    

Five Finger Friday events are breaking out spontaneously at Home Depot and Best Buy locations around the country.  If you are considering taking part in a flash mob shopping event, retailers like Best Buy are asking that you pause your plundering for a moment and consider signing up for their extended warranty plan before tearing off into the night with your new laptop.

Smash and Dash Saturdays are gaining in popularity in some of the nation’s more high-end shopping districts.  Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Saks are all prepping for a weekend of holiday mayhem.  The merchandise is free, but if you need gift wrapping, it may cost extra.