Canadian hybrid super pigs invading northern United States

Last week it was spy balloons and unexplained aerial phenomena crossing into US airspace from Canada.  This week brings reports of Canadian hybrid super pigs making incursions from Canada into the northern United States.  It is not yet known if Sidewinder missiles are being deployed to take out the cunning and elusive beasts. 

The super pigs are reported to be a highly intelligent cross between domestic pigs and wild boars.  They are larger than normal pigs and more tolerant of cold temperatures.  The super pigs will eat almost anything, including deer and elk, but are especially fond of waterfowl.  

In addition to brutalizing native species, the super pigs have proven quite difficult to eradicate through hunting.  Sportsmen report the devious swine do not conform to normal rules of the hunt, often engaging in evasive maneuvers like going nocturnal.  When pursued, they frequently split up their packs and change their routines, rendering their habits and movements less predictable.

No one knows yet what the super pigs want, but it seems clear they have their sights set on the United States.  They’re expected to make appearances in Montana, North Dakota and Minnesota very soon.  Given the recent assault on our northern border by hostile foreign powers, it is clear that America cannot allow this aggression by hordes of clever and duplicitous hybrid super pigs to stand.  Like the Gangsta’s Fairytale says, “Time for the pigs to get turned to bacon.”

Canada declares war on “terror” trucker convoy

The full force and fury of the Maple Leaf is about to strike mightily at Canada’s freedom trucker convoy.  Invoking powers reserved almost exclusively for war time, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau declared war on the lawless band of 18 wheelers, flatbeds, and reefer trucks occupying the Canadian capital and a handful of other locations around the country.

Apparently the protests were cutting into the country’s bottom line.  Indeed, the freedom truckers are so essential to Canadian commerce that not only were they required to put their health and safety on the line during the early days of the pandemic and move goods around the country and across the border, but they’re still needed to shut up, get back behind the wheel and do as their told, lest they have their livelihoods taken away and their bank accounts frozen.  

“This illegal occupation needs to end … the measure of success will be, can we get our supply chains back? Can we end the disruption to livelihoods of people who rely on trade to the United States?,” Trudeau told reporters.

The nation’s elite political class and the keyboard tapping Zoom crowd can do without the calloused hand, beer gut brigade disrupting their lives in Ottawa.  And if you don’t think the pajama clad power elite is serious, check out their little bulldog, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland, as she steps to the mic and tells the people how it’s about to go down.

“First: we are broadening the scope of Canada’s anti-money laundering and terrorist financing rules so that they cover crowdfunding platforms and the payment service providers they use.”

Hold up a second.  There must be some kind of mistake here.  This isn’t the press conference where they announce the takedown of some international drug trafficking cartel or terror financing network.  These are the freedom truckers, dog.   

“Second: the government is issuing an order with immediate effect, under the Emergencies Act, authorizing Canadian financial institutions to temporarily cease providing financial services where the institution suspects that an account is being used to further the illegal blockades and occupations. This order covers both personal and corporate accounts.”

So according to Freeland (ironic name, eh?), if you’re participating in the protests, or providing material aid and comfort to the freedom trucker movement, the commonwealth will come after you like a bone-chilling blast of Alberta Clipper and freeze your bank account.

Apparently the freedom truckers don’t enjoy a lot of popular support in Canada.  Most Canadians disapproved of Trudeau’s handling of the protests and were demanding a resolution.  However, who thought it would be prudent to invoke unprecedented executive powers and suspend civil liberties by equating a peaceful group of protesting truckers to terrorists?  Wouldn’t the thoughtful and compassionate approach be to just drop the mandates and the passports?  Some provinces are already doing so.  But I guess you can’t negotiate with truckers.  All they understand is the iron fist.  Maybe next time there’s a deadly virus outbreak, rather than face down the virus and put their and their family’s health and well-being in jeopardy, maybe the truckers should just stay at home and protect themselves, like their Zoom chattering overlords.