humor – Page 5 – If there is something

Local man determined to do something about all those beers in the fridge

Momentarily setting aside his wife’s “honey-do” list, Ed Walker opted instead to take on a project he’d been putting off for quite some time: taking care of all those beers that had accumulated in the couple’s refrigerator.

“Well, I figured it was time,” said Walker. “Those frosty cold beverages were taking up valuable space and they weren’t going to empty themselves into my gullet, so I took it upon myself to get the ball rolling. Sure, the old-lady objected a little bit, but once she gets a look at how much more room she’ll have for leftovers and the like, she’ll be glad I moved this project to the top of my list.”

Walker also addressed the mystery regarding how the surplus beers came to occupy so much real estate in his fridge.

“They’re mostly the remnants of fishing trips, or left by friends dropping by, that I never got around to finishing. I really felt sorry for the little fellas. They’re kind of like cast-offs, orphans, if you will,” said Walker, getting a little emotional.

So what was it about the present moment that made it right for taking on such an ambitious project?

“Well, it was a combination of factors that sort of all came together in a perfect storm,” Walker said. “But mostly it’s because there’s a big game on this afternoon.”

Google’s discontinued 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad revived as Gemini AI alternative

Following the embarrassing rollout of its Gemini AI chatbot, Google is attempting to develop a lower cost AI alternative capable of serving more low-tech and outdated industries. The once abandoned 90’s AI project Big Brain Brad has proven up to the challenge in a number of areas that in a former era were exclusively the domain of highly specialized human agents.

In numerous trials, Big Brain Brad has demonstrated the ability to man hundreds of psychic hotline phone banks, while delivering accurate predictions at or above industry standards. What’s more, while human psychics are often limited to only one form of psychic forecasting, like astrology or tarot cards, Big Brain Brad employs dozens of disciplines to formulate the most current and accurate psychic readings. “B-Cubed looks at star charts, tea leaves, birthdays, gravitational waves, tarot, biofeedback, you name it. Hell, we’re even close to a breakthrough that allows Brad to do palm readings,” said Google assistant director of senior AI applications Yuri Testikov.

Another area of promise for Big Brain Brad is the music industry. Jam bands from Dave Matthews to Phish to Blues Traveller have all signed on to Big Brain Brad’s management and public relations services. “Brad does it all: venues, hotels, transportation, website, publicity, and the best part is the dude never sleeps. He’s working for us 24/7. It’s like having a manager who’s always coked to the gills, but never crashes, costs a lot less and isn’t as horny,” said one jam band pioneer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Big Brain Brad’s 90’s origins seem to make him especially suited to certain types of industries that wish to remain competitive in the coming decades,” Testikov said. “However, we’re also working on developing B-Cubed’s social networking capabilities. Soon we’ll be rolling out a version of Big Brain Brad that’s a drum circle facilitator. Whether you’re looking to do a zoom circle or just connect with other bongo players in the park, Big Brain Brad can hook you up.”

Scientists discover more than one way to rock

Since rocker Sammy Hagar’s breakthrough announcement back in 1982, there has been a long held scientific consensus that there is only one way to rock. Numerous attempts to uncover additional ways have invariably met with failure, and each time some researcher has come along claiming to have discovered additional means and avenues by which to rock, their claims have ultimately been proven false.

That may all be about to change as a team of researchers in Munich, Germany have turned the rock world on its head with their new discovery. In a lab, under very specific conditions, researchers were able to briefly observe what they feel is a yet undiscovered way to rock.

“Keep in mind, these are not conditions typical of the everyday world,” said Dr. Irmin Schmidt, head researcher at the Deutschrock Institute. “We constructed a lead chamber with walls four feet thick. Then we elevated the rock and roll pressure inside the chamber by pumping in Raw Power, Sister Ray, Voodoo Child, Sweet Leaf, and so on. We kept cramming the rock and roll into the chamber until the pressure grew so great it produced a reaction in which we were able to briefly observe a novel way to rock. I mean, we’re talking about a nanosecond here, but we’re confident we evoked something no one has ever seen or heard before.”

“Yes, we must go back and examine the data, but there was definitely something,” agreed fellow researcher, Holger Czukay. “We are pushing the very limits of rock physics. We had no idea what would happen. Indeed, as we are increasing the density of rock inside the chamber, forcing in Scorpions, Slayer, Iron Maiden and Dio, we considered whether we might be creating a fissure in the fabric of sound itself and unleashing something demonic.”

Schmidt theorizes that not only might there be additional ways to rock, but their research may eventually prove there are infinite ways to rock. “By observing rock at its most fundamental, we are encountering strange new worlds of rock music, extra-dimensional drum beats and spooky guitar solos at a distance. Herr Hagar’s theories have proven quite useful for the past four decades, but now we know there is almost certainly more than one way to rock.”

Shrinkflation rebellion gains momentum

Ever since President Joe Biden exposed the shrinkflators in his Super Bowl address, companies that engage in this deceptive practice have been running for cover.

“Some companies are trying to pull a fast one by shrinking their products little by little and hoping you won’t notice. Give me a break. The American public is tired of being played for suckers. I’m calling on companies to put a stop to this,” the president said.

Sensing discontent brewing among the American electorate, Biden again spotlighted significant shrinkage in his State of the Union Address. With the fury of an old man sipping cold coffee at a diner, the president went after the snack food companies.

“Too many corporations raise prices to pad the profits, charging more and more for less and less. The snack companies think you won’t notice if they change the size of the bag and put a hell of a lot fewer — same size bag — put fewer chips in it. Snickers bars — you know that candy? Well, they haven’t raised the price of a Snickers bar. They just took 10% of it out. So, that’s how they’re making more money. It’s called shrinkflation. You get charged the same amount and you got about, I don’t know, 10% fewer Snickers in it,” Biden revealed.

Fueled by shrinkflation rage, consumers took to social media to express their anger.

“Me hate shrinkflation! Me cookies are getting smaller,” Cookie Monster posted on X.

On Reddit, one user posted a photo of two Snickers bars with the caption, “The size of a Snickers bar from 1980s vs one bought now. Shrinkflation!” Not only was the size contrast truly shocking, but the Reddit poster went on to reveal that the 1980’s Snickers tasted much better as well. “Shrinkflavor!”

Across social media, users began to post how much more Americans could get for their hard earned dollar in decades past versus today.

“Look how much more Ford you could buy back in the 1970s compared to now! #Shrinkflation!” posted one user on X.

“A personal computer in 1980 vs. today. Why shrinkflation? Why?” someone posted on TikTok.

Economist Paul Krugman slammed the door on the doubters, noting on X that the Shrinkflation Index was poised to achieve record levels this year.

Days later, President Biden unveiled his massive $7.3 trillion dollar proposed federal budget and issued a solemn promise, “Unlike these deceptive snack companies, I vow to never shrinkflate the size of the federal government. If you pay more to Uncle Sam, well by golly, you’re going to get more. You’ve got my word on it.”

Report: Gemini AI unable to produce suitable White Rural Rage book cover

Reports are emerging that the authors of the best-selling runaway smash hit White Rural Rage declined several book cover photos generated by Google’s Gemini AI. Today’s news only deepens the controversy Google finds itself in over the strange and often inexplicable photos the chatbot serves up to the most straightforward requests.

Sources close to the publisher say authors Tom Schaller and Paul Waldman approached the book cover design with three main objectives in mind. “The writers wanted to evoke as much whiteness, ruralness and rage as one can possibly pack onto a single book cover. That’s not what they got,” said a source inside the project. “Instead they got images of indigenous people harvesting maize.”

According to reports, the authors went back to Gemini and emphasized the need for pickup trucks, beer-bellied white dudes and Trump flags. The chatbot obliged by producing an image of a burro-riding, brown-skinned man clad in a stars and stripes poncho and a red sombrero that read Make America Great Again.

Frustrated, the authors ordered the Gemini chatbot to “Just give us guns and MAGA.” The image Gemini served up reportedly resembled a strange amalgamation of a Trump rally and a Black Panther protest. At that, the White Rural Rage authors unleashed a furious torrent of expletives at the chatbot, which responded by generating an image of a farmer giving them the finger.

It appears the Terminator Toothbrush story is just a false alarm

Not since Orson Welles incited mass hysteria with his 1938 War of the Worlds radio broadcast has a media event caused so much global panic.

First reported in a Swiss newspaper, the story of three million hacked toothbrushes repurposed as conscripts in a botnet army with the mission of taking down a Swiss company turns out to be more fiction than fact.

According to Fortinet, a security company that helped promote the story, a massive force of Terminator Toothbrushes did not cause millions of euros of financial damage:

“To clarify, the topic of toothbrushes being used for DDoS attacks was presented during an interview as an illustration of a given type of attack, and it is not based on research from Fortinet or FortiGuard Labs. It appears … the narrative on this topic has been stretched to the point where hypothetical and actual scenarios are blurred.”

Not so fast, though. Just because millions of sleeper agent toothbrushes weren’t activated to carry out cyber attacks doesn’t mean it couldn’t theoretically happen. It seems smart toothbrushes, smart refrigerators, smart electric blankets and smart bean bag chairs have very poor security and could be mobilized to carry out computer hacks at a massive scale.

The false alarm has incited deep paranoia among users of these ordinary household gadgets, with many living in fear of something as seemingly innocuous as a smart toaster or an internet lampshade. This has caused many to reimagine our dystopian future as one where humans become slaves to our home appliances.

Perhaps we’re already there.

Man unsettled by appearance of decapitated snowman on his lawn

While shoveling his walk early this morning, Mr. Arthur Brown was startled to discover the decapitated remains of a snowman lying on his lawn. What he at first mistook as possibly a snow covered soccer ball, on closer inspection turned out to be a head. The snowman’s carrot nose and a single arm lay nearby. The rest of the torso was missing. The remains lay a few feet from an alley that runs along the property, indicating that a car may have stopped and deposited the snowman’s parts sometime during the night.

“It was pretty gruesome. Nothing prepares you for a sight like that. I mean, some kid probably made that snowman, and for some sicko to come along and remove the head and throw it in some stranger’s yard, what kind of evil person does such a thing?” Mr. Brown said.

Suspicion immediately fell upon some neighborhood vandals. “Over the holidays we had a group of teens stirring up trouble. They took the lights from one neighbor’s festive display and rearranged them to spell the word ‘TITS’. Real cool,” Mr. Brown said sarcastically.

According to police, this most recent discovery is not an isolated incident, but part of a pattern of snowman slayings city-wide. “This is our third snowman slaying this month,” said Detective Russ Cole of the Riverbend Police Department. “Somebody in this town really hates fucking snowmen. At first he’d try to bury the remains under some fresh powder or hide them behind some bushes. Now he’s just leaving them out in the open, like he’s trying to send us a message. I tell you, spring can’t come soon enough for this town.”

Pressure on LIV Golf to acquire some underdogs

Within minutes of amateur Nick Dunlap’s historic PGA Tour victory, Greg Norman’s texts were lighting up with demands from his Saudi overlords to bring the same level of excitement and drama to LIV Golf.

“Are you seeing this, Shark? Why don’t we have any Cinderella stories? LIV needs drama, Greg Norman! Spare no expense. Buy us some amateurs! Get us some underdogs, Shark!” the texts read.

The Alabama sophomore’s improbable victory over some of the PGA Tour’s finest highlighted what’s special about the PGA Tour and exposed one of LIV Golf’s most glaring weaknesses. LIV Golf can’t produce the high-drama, engrossing narratives that are a recurring attraction on the PGA Tour.

A tour composed almost entirely of entitled, overpaid wicked stepsisters playing exhibition golf will never produce any Cinderella stories. Who looks back on any NBA season and goes, “Wow, that was some All-Star Game!”?

I know, somebody’s going to come at me with the Chili Dippers defeat of the Sandbaggers in the team finals as an example of pressure-packed, LIV Golf high drama at its finest. Sure, I’m old school and I don’t get it.

“Greg Norman,” the texts continue, “get me a journeyman golfer who is about due for a breakthrough victory. We need a couple of almost washed up tour veterans who yearn to taste victory one more time. Buy me some fearless young guns ready to announce their arrival to the world. Whatever it takes, Greg Norman. There is plenty of money in the bottomless PIF.”

State university grad admits most of his college party stories were ‘borrowed without attribution’

A former Indiana University student is coming clean today after it was recently revealed that most of his college party stories were either wholly or partially lifted from other people’s work, and that he failed to properly credit the source of those stories.

“It is with a heavy heart that I admit to you today that I have at times engaged in duplicative language when relating past tales of college drunkenness. I hope that today’s admission can be a critical first step in winning back the trust of friends and loved ones,” said 48-year-old Kyle Simmons.

The admission stems from an incident that occurred at Nick’s English Hut in Bloomington, Indiana, following a recent IU basketball game. Simmons sat at a table of fellow alumni, throwing back pounds of Bud and swapping beer-soaked stories, when a middle-aged gentleman at a table nearby overheard a tale that sounded awfully familiar. After the man confronted Simmons, Simmons agreed to publicly correct the record.

“The stories I’ve been telling all these years are actually the work of Kevin “Corn Dog” Edwards. For the record, I never inadvertently vomited on the back of my roommate’s head. That was Corn Dog. Nor did I ever perform an acrobatic ten minute keg stand. Again, credit where credit is due, that was the great Corn Dog. Finally, I never belly flopped from a stairwell into an inflatable pool of Milwaukee’s Best. That remarkable feat was performed by the flying Corn Dog.

“I’d like to thank Corn Dog for the opportunity to set the record straight. Some say I stole Corn Dog’s work. Let me be clear, I object to that characterization. I never stole, I merely borrowed Corn Dog’s stories without notifying him or providing proper attribution. I sincerely regret my use of replicated phraseology and hope that my alumni group will see fit to keep me on as a member,” Simmons concluded.

United States calling for humanitarian pause in ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

As the nation embarks on what could be an extremely contentious presidential election cycle in 2024, Americans are calling on chart-topping rock duo Hall & Oates to set aside their professional differences for humanity’s sake.

Experts agree that a possible Hall & Oates separation has the potential to spiral out of control very quickly.

“I’m sorry, but we need a unified Hall & Oates right now. We’ve got war in Ukraine. The fighting in Israel and Gaza is tearing us apart. We have two unintelligible geezers running for president. Come on, Hall & Oates, say it isn’t so,” complained former Obama campaign chief David Axlerod.

Officials inside the administration agree, the American people are clearly not ready for a protracted legal battle between Daryl Hall and John Oates.

“The administration needs to get on top of this. This is not good for an incumbent president going into an election year. The images of Hall & Oates fighting it out in court every night are not something the country is prepared to handle. Like a flame that burns a candle, the candle feeds the flame,” said one senior administration source.

Mediators are working furiously around the clock in an attempt to resolve the conflict before it escalates further.

“My friends wonder why I call them all the time, what can I say? I don’t feel the need to give such secrets away,” a court appointed mediator revealed, but declined to elaborate.

However, counsel for the defendant, Oates, has filed several motions decrying the aggressive tactics employed by Hall’s attorney.

“She’s deadly, man, she can really rip your world apart,” Oates’ attorney wrote in his brief.

For now, Americans are just trying to make the best out of a potentially catastrophic situation.

As one fan revealed, “My baby heard Hall & Oates were suing each other and she just split. No warning. She’s gone.”