Tag: food

Man still haunted by “unholy burrito”

A local man continues his recovery today after a frightening encounter Tuesday night with what he describes as an “unholy burrito.”  Still visibly shaken, the man recalled the incident for reporters.

“I’d just finished a workout.  I thought a carne asada burrito sounded good.  They asked me if I wanted red salsa.  I should have said no.  I should have turned and gotten the hell out of there!”

But he didn’t.  Instead, what followed was a night of merciless torment.  

“Like a fiend from hell, that burrito pursued me through the night.  It stalked me in my sleep and haunted my dreams.  Every time I began to doze off, that monstrous burrito would appear to mock and scorn me.  Sleep became an impossibility.”

After multiple visitations that frequently caused him to seek refuge in the lavatory, the man plucked up the courage to face down the unholy burrito.       

“Foul beast, I said, be gone!  I cast you back into the pit of hell from whence you came!  Back you go into the fire that cannot be quenched!”

Presently, calm returned to the man’s life.  Famished from the night’s adventure, he next set about securing a delicious plate of huevos rancheros.  

What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards the tortilla to be born?

Biden to address nation’s Tater tot shortage

With emergency shipments of baby formula making their way to the United States, the Biden administration is now turning its attention to the country’s looming Tater tot crisis.

The Tater tot shortage came about after the Biden administration closed the nation’s only Tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho. 

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953.  No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of Tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable Tater tot.  Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”  

The manufacture of Tater tots is a highly specialized process.  Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

The Biden administration has yet to come up with an alternative plan for manufacturing Tater tots.  However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working Tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.