Christmas – If there is something

Homeowner’s outdoor Christmas decorations prompt crackdown

A South Bend area neighborhood association is cracking down on one resident’s outdoor Christmas display, which it says is in violation of several of its bylaws.

“They were out here measuring my inflatable Santa the other day and a few days later I got a notification in the mail along with a $500 dollar fine,” said neighborhood homeowner Scott Stewart. “Apparently, my Santa exceeds the eight foot height restriction and my Christmas lights exceed the maximum number allowed under the rules. Also they twinkle too fast and too brightly.”

“Residents’ holiday light displays shall not exceed 12 bulbs per square foot and shall not dim or change colors more than once every three seconds,” the Whispering Prairie community bylaws state.

“Shoot, they even said my Santa drone is a violation. The sleigh bells are too loud and jingly, so jolly old Saint Nick’s been grounded while I wait for a decision on my appeal. It seems like they just want to suck all the fun out of Christmas,” Stewart said.

Following an unfavorable verdict on Stewart’s appeal, a neighborhood compliance officer showed up and removed the offending decorations.

“They came and deflated my Santa yesterday, and they snipped the wiring on several strands of lights. I mean, I get it that they have their rules, but did they need to slice up Santa with a Stanley knife? The kids are pretty traumatized,” Stewart added.

Local man’s outdoor Christmas decorations attract scrutiny

A Fishers area man is facing the possibility of hefty fines today after his outdoor Christmas decorations were deemed to be in noncompliance with his neighborhood association’s bylaws.

Jeff Ross has been ordered to pay $500 for multiple violations ranging from a Santa that is too large to excessive and obtrusive lighting displays.

“My Santa is over eight feet tall, which is a violation, and my lighting display exceeds the number of lights allowable per square foot. Also, there seems to be an issue with the frequency with which the lights twinkle,” Ross said.

“Residents’ holiday light displays shall not exceed 12 bulbs per square foot and shall not dim or change colors more than once every three seconds,” the community’s bylaws state.

Having exhausted all his appeals, Ross has resigned himself to paying the fine and removing the offending decorations.

Asked for comment, the neighborhood association issued a statement: “We’re looking into the excessive force complaint leveled against our compliance officer. We strongly condemn violence in all its forms. If we determine that the rights of the jolly old elf were violated, we will take appropriate action.”

Cash strapped dad tells daughter no American Girl Doll this Christmas. Suggests Hoosier Sally Doll instead.

This Christmas season, inflationary pressures have forced dads like me to have difficult conversations with their offspring. A recent comment from my daughter asserting that one could buy almost anything for a hundred dollars prompted an overdue conversation about the value of money. Putting on my wise old dad hat, I informed her that there are actually a lot of things you can’t buy for a hundred dollars. She promptly came back at me with the American Girl Doll. At this suggestion, I confidently assured her that a hundred dollars could easily cover the cost of a silly little doll, only to start hyperventilating when I discovered that American Girl Dolls start at around $119 retail.

Immediately I pivoted to other options, hoping to get her interested in something a little less expensive. “Hey, how about we check out some of these other dolls?” I suggested, frantically scrolling as American Girl Doll prices escalated to levels rivaling the price of an ounce of gold. After a while, I came across some more reasonably priced knockoffs that, while cheaper, were also a bit strange and disconcerting. I quickly moved past the Downtown Lisa doll, trying to momentarily divert my daughter’s attention until we found something a little more wholesome.

Next we stumbled upon Patriot Girl Doll. “Look at this one, sweetie. Patriot Girl comes with a cute red, white and blue camouflage outfit, an adorable little tactical vest and an AR-15. Okay, maybe that one’s not for us. Hey, check out Moscow Maria. She’s a hard bitten Muscovite who dreams of marrying an oligarch when she grows up.” Neither of these options seemed to deliver quite the same magic and fascination as the American Girl Doll.

Sensing a vibe of rapidly growing disappointment coming from my daughter, I hurriedly searched until I came across a doll that I hoped would be the clincher. “Look, sweetie, here’s one that’s right up our alley. This little darling goes by the name Hoosier Sally. She lives in a late model luxury trailer home just like we do! Sally lives there with her mother, her brother and 14 cats. Oh, and here’s the best part, Hoosier Sally Dolls retail for a very reasonable $39.99.”

Once again, dad’s pragmatism failed to glide in for a successful landing and a hint of disappointment began to reveal itself on my daughter’s face. To her credit, she shook it off and sauntered away to watch some cartoons. Looks like Santa’s going to save the day again and come through with that American Girl Doll this Christmas.

California imposes restrictions on Santa’s Christmas activities

Residents of California are justifiably outraged today as state officials have imposed draconian new restrictions on the movements of old St. Nick this holiday season. Fearful that Santa may spread Covid in addition to all the Christmas joy he brings, Governor Newsome along with LA Mayor Eric Garcetti and San Francisco Mayor London Breed have all warned Santa to pay close attention to local rules when making his Christmas deliveries.

Statewide, Santa is prohibited from entering any home the night before Christmas. The Governor’s order permits Santa only to drop presents down the chimney or leave them outside the front door of the residence. If residents would like their stockings stuffed, they are to hang them by the front door with care. Additionally, any cookies, milk, hot cocoa or other refreshments provided for Santa’s enjoyment are to be left outside the home. Due to outdoor dining restrictions, Santa may only consume said refreshments within the confines of his sleigh.

“Health experts have warned us that a superspreader Santa event is likely if we don’t take extreme precautions,” said the governor.

While Santa is required to wear a mask as he makes his California deliveries, in Los Angeles he faces additional restrictions. “There will be no ‘ho ho hoing’ by Mr. Claus while inside the Los Angeles city limits. Each ‘ho’ has the potential to spread thousands of droplets and thereby infect countless residents. Also, we again remind Santa that this city established a noise ordinance several years ago that he and his sleigh bells have yet to comply with,” said Mayor Garcetti.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed encouraged Santa to take a different approach this holiday season. “We find it extremely irresponsible of Kris Kringle to insist on carrying on this tradition during a pandemic. However, if he must deliver presents to the children of this city, we suggest he email them a gift card. If we catch him on our streets, he will be detained and his sleigh impounded.”

Reached for comment at the North Pole, Santa’s head elf released a statement: “We understand that the current pandemic has added a new layer of bureaucratic complexity to an already complicated world. Santa is committed to playing it safe and following all executive and legislative orders. That said, Santa knows which leaders have been bad or good, naughty or nice, and which have defied their own orders and dined on $500-a-plate dinners with wealthy donors. So be good for goodness sake.”