March 2025 – If there is something

Local business owner calling on Pentagon to remove him from group sext chat

The owner of a local bakery is pleading with the Trump administration today to remove him from a group sext chat that he maintains is adversely affecting his mental health and physical well-being. Cake baker, Kevin Krinkle, says he’s been so repulsed by the message content that he’s having trouble sleeping and his business is suffering.

“It’s hard to believe that a group of such depraved individuals is responsible for our national security. I’m having nightmares after reading what they plan to do to our allies and some of the messages have caused me to become violently ill at work. Nobody wants to buy a cake from a vomiting baker.”

Krinkle is unaware of how he came to be added to the group chat, but he’s decided to speak out after viewing a thread called “Roofie the Houthis.”

“I won’t go into the unspeakable things they plan to do to these individuals. I’m no fan of the Houthis, but I’m pretty sure the Pentagon’s plans would constitute a war crime and make Abu Ghraib look like a summer day camp.”

The violent sext chats don’t just focus on terrorists and adversaries, but also include America’s allies.

“What they talk about doing to the French is beyond disgusting, and there are even plans afoot to conquer Canada and rename it ‘The Gimp.’”

The Pentagon says they’re looking into the matter and officials promise to maintain the highest security regarding all future group sext chats.

Terror In The Shrubbery

Jack Hayward is reeling today following a report by his insurance company that his landscaping presents a clear and present danger to his home and property.

Up until today, Jack thought he was pretty much crushing it, and then in one brief moment his whole life was turned upside down when a group of insurance underwriters informed him that among his shrubbery lurk heretofore unimagined terrors.

Apparently, a seemingly innocent shrub, situated under a window, can serve as a launching pad for a criminal caper that could potentially undo everything Jack’s ever worked for.

While it’s true that neighborhood kids like to utilize his shrubs to hide and seek, and on at least one occasion some homeless person may have spent the night curled up behind his lilac bush, it never occurred to Jack that shrubs are especially useful for concealing nefarious deeds.

Nevermind the alarm system and security cameras Jack installed to thwart potential break ins, an accomplished second story man can utilize a pyramidal arb to launch himself like a pole vaulter onto a lower roof and quickly gain access to upper story windows.

Apparently, the thieves take advantage of the shrub cover to cart off your 55 inch television and exercise equipment, because the whole point of the danger shrubs pose is that the bad guys can do all this without attracting the attention of neighbors or passersby.

A skilled burglar disguised as a juniper bush can enter and exit a house undetected by cloaking stolen merchandise in bush clippings.

Tree limbs, too, are nothing to trifle with, according to the underwriters. A tree limb, it seems, is nothing more than a bony hand reaching out to dismantle a house one shingle at a time.

One never knows when an angry oak will lower a wooden fist and severely scratch or dent one’s guttering.

The news filled Jack with such revulsion and dread that he immediately climbed out on his roof and stood atop the peak risking life and limb in an attempt to prune away all tree limbs encroaching on his home’s airspace.

With bushes yanked and tree limbs tamed, Jack was finally able to rest easy, at least until the next alert of impending catastrophe comes along.

Trump steps in to mediate ongoing Hall & Oates dispute

Following the success of his Russia-Ukraine deal and repairing the rift between the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, America’s unifier-in-chief, President Donald Trump, is now turning his attention to resolving the ongoing feud between veteran rockers Daryl Hall and John Oates. The popular musicians have been embroiled in a bitter legal dispute since November 2023.

As far as Daryl Hall is concerned, the rock duo’s personal and professional partnership is beyond repair. “That ship has gone to the bottom of the ocean,” Hall told a reporter for The Times.

However, the Hall & Oates differences have not yet been subjected to the extraordinary healing power of an intense Trump White House negotiating session.

“I’m confident we can get a deal,” the president said. “The world needs Hall & Oates together making their beautiful music. What’s that song of theirs, The Sound of Silence? That’s all we’re getting out of them these days – silence, and that’s a shame.”

“That’s Simon & Garfunkel, Mr. President.”

“Oh yes. Well they’re wonderful too. Maybe I’ll work on getting them back together as well. I mean Piano Man, In The Air Tonight – the world loves their music. For the sake of lasting peace in the world, we need them back together.”

However, a brief White House meeting with Oates in front of reporters appeared to take an ugly turn when the president excoriated Oates for not taking the deal.

“Oates, come on, take the deal on the table. What are you without Hall? I’m sorry but you’re being very disrespectful to me, Hall and everyone here today. I can tell you, years ago when I put this deal in front of John Ford Coley, he went running back to England Dan. Now get with it, Oates.”