December 2024 – If there is something

Trump floats hostile takeover of Greenland

Despite the insistence of Greenland’s government that the semi-autonomous Danish territory is not for sale, President Donald Trump is pushing ahead with efforts to purchase Greenland with or without its approval.

Describing the acquisition as “essentially a large real estate deal,” President Trump has not ruled out a hostile takeover of the island. “It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they’re losing almost $700 million a year carrying it. We could buy the struggling island, spruce it up a little and flip it for a tidy little profit,” President Trump said.

Sources close to Trump say he and his advisors believe they can turn Greenland around and make it profitable in less than 18 months. “We’re looking at writing off some of its foreign debt, bringing in some undocumented workers and selling off some assets,” said an anonymous source close to the prospective deal.

According to President Trump, Greenland isn’t the only acquisition the administration is contemplating. “We’re also looking at buying Mexico and Canada while possibly letting go of Puerto Rico and Michigan’s upper peninsula. We’re still in the negotiating stages. These deals take time.”

News of a possible deal caused the stock market to close early on Friday as investors had no clue what to do with their money. “We’re kind of in uncharted territory here,” said one investor. “What the hell is the president elect even talking about?”

WH: Aliens Assure Us NJ Drones Pose No Threat

Responding to criticism over inadequate explanations of the mysterious New Jersey drone phenomena, the White House released a statement today making clear the federal government’s confidence that the Unmanned Aerial Systems pose no threat.

“Although we do not yet know what the drones seek, what their purpose is, or who deployed them, past interactions with our alien counterparts indicate the vessels are harmless,” the White House statement read. “Americans can sleep peacefully tonight knowing the aliens are closely monitoring the situation.”

President Biden told reporters he’d been briefed on the matter and agreed there was no cause for alarm.

“Nothing to see here, folks. Go back about your business. If the aliens thought we had anything to worry about, I’m sure they would have told us,” Biden said.

Christmas shoppers in the Big Apple seemed to take today’s news in stride.

“I kind of figured it had something to do with aliens, but I’m glad they finally came out with some clarification,” one Macy’s shopper remarked. “Now if the aliens could only do something about these high prices.”

Officials are hoping today’s news will put a stop to all the careless speculation and misinformation that has appeared online in recent days.

“I’m just glad loose nukes and incursions by a foreign power have been taken off the table. Now that we know that it’s just the aliens behind it, we can all rest a bit easier,” said a retired Pentagon official.

Homeowner’s outdoor Christmas decorations prompt crackdown

A South Bend area neighborhood association is cracking down on one resident’s outdoor Christmas display, which it says is in violation of several of its bylaws.

“They were out here measuring my inflatable Santa the other day and a few days later I got a notification in the mail along with a $500 dollar fine,” said neighborhood homeowner Scott Stewart. “Apparently, my Santa exceeds the eight foot height restriction and my Christmas lights exceed the maximum number allowed under the rules. Also they twinkle too fast and too brightly.”

“Residents’ holiday light displays shall not exceed 12 bulbs per square foot and shall not dim or change colors more than once every three seconds,” the Whispering Prairie community bylaws state.

“Shoot, they even said my Santa drone is a violation. The sleigh bells are too loud and jingly, so jolly old Saint Nick’s been grounded while I wait for a decision on my appeal. It seems like they just want to suck all the fun out of Christmas,” Stewart said.

Following an unfavorable verdict on Stewart’s appeal, a neighborhood compliance officer showed up and removed the offending decorations.

“They came and deflated my Santa yesterday, and they snipped the wiring on several strands of lights. I mean, I get it that they have their rules, but did they need to slice up Santa with a Stanley knife? The kids are pretty traumatized,” Stewart added.

Old man yells at snow plow

The chatter started to kick into high gear yesterday afternoon as news emerged that the first big snow event of the season was barrelling down on our fair community. The local snow tracking weather prognosticators searched mightily to find the perfect expression to Chicken Little the shit out of this fairly typical weather event. Would we get a Snowmageddon, or a Snowpocalypse? Would a snow bomb explode in our midst, leaving us all crying snow mas? To me, it felt more like a Snownami because Lake Michigan was about to deposit some of her contents at our doorstep in the form of lake effect flurries.

Soon, word got around that a bit of a dust up was breaking out on social media. Apparently, some members of the local populace were questioning the official narrative coming from the crack team of meteorologists at one of the local television affiliates. The pile on became so severe that an off-duty weather person had to come to the rescue and defend the credibility of her colleague. It seems even our once sacred weather institutions are no longer immune to a populist revolt.

We ended up getting a good, solid blanketing of snow, resulting in barely any disruption to our daily routines. Some areas further north got more than a blanket, maybe something approximating a thick, cozy comforter of snow. No epic blizzards or snow globe cyclones.

I get the impulse to catastrophize the shit out of everything. Nobody wants to be caught unprepared, and the catastrophizers want to be able to say we warned you, if all hell breaks loose. But far from being less informed or misinformed, people are actually better informed these days, and they’re not going to listen to experts and prognosticators tell them one thing when the truth is something clearly different. In weather reporting, it’s mostly not a big deal, but in other areas it can contribute to less than optimal outcomes. Maybe telling people the sober, boring and occasionally inconvenient truth is where it’s at.