May 2024 – If there is something

A small but jolly gathering

In September of 1924, Edward, the Prince of Wales, made a much publicized visit to the United States. To call it “much publicized,” however, fails to adequately describe the media frenzy that accompanied his visit. The press hounded Wales mercilessly, reporting on his every movement: where he dined, where he danced, where he played, how long he slept, when he rose. The press of the day literally tried to account for every moment of his time on American soil.

While in the states, Wales spent almost the entirety of his visit among the American aristocracy of Long Island, New York. Most nights, Wales and his entourage, which included the Lord and Lady Mountbatten and Mrs. Richard Norton, were entertained at some lavish Long Island affair where they danced and partied until the wee hours of the morning.

One of these luxurious all-nighters took place at the estate of Joshua S. Cosden, a prosperous oil man who rose from very humble beginnings to become one of the richest men in America. It is this party that plays a prominent role in the forthcoming Dean Jobb true crime book, A Gentleman And A Thief. The book tracks the life and criminal endeavors of jazz age gentleman jewel thief Arthur Barry, who Jobb credits as the chief culprit behind the Cosden jewel robbery, which occurred during the royal visit of 1924.

In addition to being a critically acclaimed true crime author, Jobb is a professor emeritus at the University of King’s College where he specializes in creative nonfiction. Indeed, Jobb describes his true crime books as works of creative nonfiction, meaning he’s sticking to the facts, but utilizing a creative narrative-driven presentation.

Although Gentleman And A Thief doesn’t officially release until next month, the prologue of the book is available for sampling on Amazon’s website. The narrative dives straight into the Cosden party and Arthur Barry’s alleged presence there. According to Jobb, “It was there, in the midst of what one press report termed a ‘small but jolly’ gathering, that Gibson (Arthur Barry) met the prince.” Jobb’s prologue also describes in some detail Wales’ alleged surreptitious late night journey to a couple of notable Manhattan speakeasies. Whether or not these events actually took place at all, and that point is definitely up for debate, one thing for certain is the events could not have taken place as Jobb describes them.

The Cosden party Jobb describes took place during the late night hours of Wednesday, September 3, 1924 into the early morning hours of September 4. The Thursday, September 4 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle reports, “Last night the Prince shared honors with polo players of both the British and American international teams at a stag dinner given for them at the Piping Rock Club at Locust Valley.” Will Rogers entertained the group with a 20 minute monologue, and according to the Daily Eagle account, “After the dinner the Prince left for a dance.” Earlier in the article it read, “It was another dancing party which kept Wales out all night, this time at the home of Mr. and Mrs. J. S. Cosden at Sands Point. The party was a small but jolly one. Other guests included Lord and Lady Mountbatten, Lord and Lady Milhaven and the Hon. Mrs. Richard Norton.”

This “small but jolly” account of the Cosden party got picked up by the Associated Press and appeared in newspapers across the country. The problem with Dean Jobb’s depiction of that night is that not only did Wales not leave the party with Arthur Barry, but Wales’ alleged secret excursion into Manhattan nightlife took place the following evening.

Popular journalist of the day Grace Robinson wrote on September 4: “Before inspecting his third Long Island sunrise from the Cosden Manor, the prince had been with the Piping Rock Club at a gay stag….After the stag, the prince went to the Cosdens where he danced until morning. And along went Lord and Lady Mountbatten, Lord and Lady Milford Haven and the rest of the who’s who.” This account is interesting because years later it will be Grace Robinson pushing the Arthur Barry story that he left the Cosden party with the prince.

So contemporary accounts of the “small but jolly” Cosden party make no mention of the Prince slipping away. That’s because Wales’ alleged foray into Manhattan occurred the following evening. On Friday, September 5, 1924, the newspapers were buzzing with speculation over the whereabouts of Wales between 2:00 to 5:00 Thursday afternoon September 4 and the early morning hours of Friday, September 5. Rumors start flying about Wales’ possible attendance at the El Fey Club 107 West 45th street, Manhattan, because a car bearing a license plate traced back to the Burden estate, where Wales was lodged, was seen near the club in the early morning hours of Friday, September 5. Despite denials by the club owner and the prince’s spokesperson that his grace had not graced the club’s premises, rumors persisted.

Jobb quotes a newspaper account which read, “he went in disguise to one of the white light jazz palaces on Broadway.” This account appears in Friday, September 5 newspaper editions, speculating as to the Prince’s whereabouts the previous evening into early morning. It concerns a time period a full 24 hours after the Cosden party where Arthur Barry, alias Dr. Gibson, allegedly lured Wales away to the “White Light Belt.”

Whether or not Wales pulled a Manhattan Holiday and stealthily eluded the press and his handlers to bask in the white light of Broadway was unclear at the time and remains unclear today. However, what is clear is that the account depicted in Jobb’s book could not have happened the way he described it. Maybe there was some other Cosden party that Arthur Barry lured His Royal Highness away from, but it wasn’t the “small but jolly” one.

If it can be shown that I’m confusing my dates, I’ll be happy to admit my error. However, it seems pretty clear that the specific events Jobb references did not take place on the same night. At any rate, I’m looking forward to reading the rest of Jobb’s book. The Cosden case and other area gem thefts have been of great interest to me for quite some time, and I’m anxious to learn what else Jobb has uncovered.

‘Word-salad’ deciphering AI expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop AI capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble. Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant. The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork. “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously. Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves. The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making. It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently. The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer. “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies. You could literally carry it around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff. However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on X or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

Dozens excuse themselves to use restroom during Seinfeld commencement speech

Approximately 30 students out of 7,000 attending the Duke University graduation ceremony were suddenly overcome with the urge to relieve themselves just as commencement speaker Jerry Seinfeld was about to deliver his address. The barely perceptible exodus caused a bit of a stir as some booed the small group, while most of the attendees burst into chants of “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” Despite the minor interruption, Seinfeld’s fifteen minute speech was well received, eliciting frequent laughter and drawing several rounds of applause from the commencement crowd of 20,000.

It is not known whether any of the 30 students were able to make it back to their seats in time for Seinfeld’s closing remarks. However, their absence caused a great deal of concern in the national media with dozens of outlets breathlessly covering the much publicized pee break. NBC News, CNN, USA Today, The New York Times, Business Insider and many more characterized the paltry pee parade as a student walkout.

No doubt the handful of urinators were pleasantly surprised to discover their restroom visitation received a tremendous amount of media attention. However, the rest of humankind must have thought they’d entered the bizarro world when they woke to discover a pee story dominating the news cycle. Many news consumers found themselves justifiably flummoxed over how such a low-level urination event could attract so much media scrutiny.

One could understand all the brouhaha if a quarter to a half of the assembled crowd got up to pee simultaneously. That would be big news, warranting much scuttlebutt and no small amount of hubbub. But like a tenth of a percent? Perhaps it’s only fitting that a Seinfeld commencement speech would attract so many stories about nothing.

New glasses, big problems

Lately, I’ve been receiving signals that I ought to do something about my eyesight. The menu board at an unfamiliar takeout restaurant can be confusing enough, but if you can’t read the selections, then you’re pretty screwed. I tried just making up menu items for a while. I would say, “Just give me a club sandwich, or something.” Then the order taker would politely inform me of their choices that most closely resemble a club sandwich, which often just included the addition of avocado, and I’d say, “That would be fine,” and we’d go from there. But, lately, they’ve begun to treat me like I’m illiterate or something, speaking to me slowly and patiently like I’m a child. Even my own daughter began to shoot me looks that seemed to doubt my literacy.

So, at the urging of my better half, I decided to get new glasses. Several hundred dollars later, these cheap plastic spectacles seem to have brought about an entirely new set of challenges. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve also opened up a whole new world of possibilities. Before, I mostly stuck to driving familiar routes because I had difficulty reading signs and recognizing landmarks. But now that I can read highway signs, I’m exploring entirely new realms and unfamiliar territory. Also, it came as a pleasant surprise to see that the speed limit on most highways has been raised from 55 to 70. This explains why I’d been the recipient of so much hostility from other drivers in recent years.

The challenges invariably arise when I’m indoors. I seem to have difficulty and lack confidence knowing where to place my feet. This has caused me to stumble around and bump into doorways at work. My boss has been looking askance at me like I’m intoxicated or something. But I assured her I haven’t been drunk or stoned at work for pretty close to ten years now. Also, going down stairs is like descending into a murky abyss. Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope for the best.

However, an incident this morning might be the final straw as far as these new glasses are concerned. I had just gotten a cup of coffee at Starbucks from the friendliest group of young people you’d ever want to meet, when I merrily strode out to the parking lot to get in my car and head to work. For some reason, however, I had a difficult time unlocking the car door. The key fob didn’t seem to work and when I tried to manually unlock the door, the key wouldn’t fit in the lock. After a few moments, a woman came running out of the Starbucks with one of the larger male employees shouting at me to get away from her car and that she’s calling the cops. Mortified, I noticed that my car was in the next space over, so I hurriedly jumped in it and sped out of there like Vin Diesel. I made it to work without incident, not knowing whether an a.p.b. had been issued for my capture. At any rate, I’m probably going to ditch these glasses, but I may wear them for another week as an aid to eluding authorities, or at least until the heat has died down.

Local man determined to do something about all those beers in the fridge

Momentarily setting aside his wife’s “honey-do” list, Ed Walker opted instead to take on a project he’d been putting off for quite some time: taking care of all those beers that had accumulated in the couple’s refrigerator.

“Well, I figured it was time,” said Walker. “Those frosty cold beverages were taking up valuable space and they weren’t going to empty themselves into my gullet, so I took it upon myself to get the ball rolling. Sure, the old-lady objected a little bit, but once she gets a look at how much more room she’ll have for leftovers and the like, she’ll be glad I moved this project to the top of my list.”

Walker also addressed the mystery regarding how the surplus beers came to occupy so much real estate in his fridge.

“They’re mostly the remnants of fishing trips, or left by friends dropping by, that I never got around to finishing. I really felt sorry for the little fellas. They’re kind of like cast-offs, orphans, if you will,” said Walker, getting a little emotional.

So what was it about the present moment that made it right for taking on such an ambitious project?

“Well, it was a combination of factors that sort of all came together in a perfect storm,” Walker said. “But mostly it’s because there’s a big game on this afternoon.”