Tag: masks

Denmark approves mandatory mink mask rule

Responding to explosive growth in coronavirus cases among its mink population, Denmark today approved measures mandating masks for minks.  The measures come after the Danish government rejected a plan to cull the country’s entire mink population.

A disappointed Danish prime minister, Mette Frederiksen, reluctantly agreed to the new recommendations.  “Well, if we’re unable to march millions of minks to their death, then I guess masks are the next best thing.”

The controversial mink mask mandate is revealing deep divisions within the Danish population between those who support the mask mandate and those who would prefer a mink massacre.  In Copenhagen over the weekend, demonstrators carried signs and chanted, “hey, hey, ho, ho, those Covid coats have got to go.”  

Concerned Danish officials worry that a mink mask mandate immediately introduces a series of daunting challenges.  “We simply do not have the infrastructure in place to produce 15 million masks for minks,” said Frederiksen.  “We are currently in talks with China to produce the masks as quickly as possible, but we must remember, no has ever engineered a mink mask before.  We’re totally starting from scratch here.”  

Minks are also urged to maintain a two foot separation from one another.  The recommendations come after researchers discovered minks are incapable of projecting viral droplets more than two feet.   

Meanwhile in Sweden, there seems to be no indecision regarding what to do with its mink population.  “We’re just going to kill them,” said Benny Andersson, CEO of a Swedish animal rights group.  “Other than breeding stock, it’s killing season for minks anyway.  We look at it as hastening herd immunity.”

Mouthwash sales spike as millions of mask wearers are forced to confront their own bad breath

Sales of breath freshening products have soared in recent months as millions of American mask wearers have been forced to endure the stench of their own malodorous breath.

Antiseptic mouthwash sales are up a whopping 350 percent.  Revenues from breath strips, Tic Tacs and Lifesavers have increased nearly five-fold since March.

“In some instances, we can’t keep these products on the shelves,” says an industry insider.  “It seems a vast number of Americans are beginning to realize they may have a problem with fresh breath.”

The issue could be a bit more complicated than simply clueless Americans waking up to the fact their mouth smells like a garbage disposal.  Scientists say wearing a mask inhibits the introduction of fresh air, permitting germs to fester and multiply.

“It’s akin to recirculating the air in your car rather than refreshing,” says a leading mouth and body odor researcher.  “Try turning off the AC and closing the windows of your car on a warm summer day, the cabin of your vehicle will begin to smell like a locker room in no time.  I should know, I smell armpits for a living.”

Experts encourage mask wearers to drink plenty of water, brush frequently and rinse with an antiseptic mouthwash.

Says the pit sniffer, “A positive takeaway is that some in the public are getting a whiff of what their colleagues have had to endure for years.  If when this is all over, everyone’s a bit more attentive to their mouth hygiene, then maybe it will have all been worth it.”