Los Angeles – If there is something

DHS deploys 500 to head off phantom trucker convoy

America breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning after the promised trucker protest convoy never materialized and the Super Bowl and all related activities came off without a hitch. Thanks to rapid and decisive action by the Department of Homeland Security, the massive convoy of lawless truckers barrelling toward LA was never able to achieve its diabolical plan to disrupt the big game.

According to Reuters, “A reported trucker protest planned to coincide with the Super Bowl appears to be going nowhere, a social media monitoring firm that has been tracking the issue said on Saturday.”

Apparently someone forgot to notify the truckers that this big event was going down. Although the Department of Homeland Security did its best to try to get the convoy rolling.

“After media reported on a U.S. Department of Homeland Security memo warning of potential disruption around Sunday’s Super Bowl, there was a notable increase in social media mentions about a convoy of anti-vaccine truckers purportedly planning to descend on Los Angeles,” Reuters reported.

Okay, raise the possibility that a politically hostile U.S. based trucker protest convoy determined to disrupt America’s beloved Super Bowl holiday is on the loose. Disseminate memo to a credulous media to promote the story and sound the alarm. Point to resulting increased activity on social media as evidence of a plot in action. Deploy 500 additional staff to California to head off the angry phantom convoy. No word yet on how many DHS agents attended the Super Bowl for security reasons.

Comment from America’s recently radicalized legions of long-haul truckers was not forthcoming as most of them were passed out in front of their televisions, overcome by voluminous consumption of hot wings and frosty cold beverages.

California imposes restrictions on Santa’s Christmas activities

Residents of California are justifiably outraged today as state officials have imposed draconian new restrictions on the movements of old St. Nick this holiday season. Fearful that Santa may spread Covid in addition to all the Christmas joy he brings, Governor Newsome along with LA Mayor Eric Garcetti and San Francisco Mayor London Breed have all warned Santa to pay close attention to local rules when making his Christmas deliveries.

Statewide, Santa is prohibited from entering any home the night before Christmas. The Governor’s order permits Santa only to drop presents down the chimney or leave them outside the front door of the residence. If residents would like their stockings stuffed, they are to hang them by the front door with care. Additionally, any cookies, milk, hot cocoa or other refreshments provided for Santa’s enjoyment are to be left outside the home. Due to outdoor dining restrictions, Santa may only consume said refreshments within the confines of his sleigh.

“Health experts have warned us that a superspreader Santa event is likely if we don’t take extreme precautions,” said the governor.

While Santa is required to wear a mask as he makes his California deliveries, in Los Angeles he faces additional restrictions. “There will be no ‘ho ho hoing’ by Mr. Claus while inside the Los Angeles city limits. Each ‘ho’ has the potential to spread thousands of droplets and thereby infect countless residents. Also, we again remind Santa that this city established a noise ordinance several years ago that he and his sleigh bells have yet to comply with,” said Mayor Garcetti.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed encouraged Santa to take a different approach this holiday season. “We find it extremely irresponsible of Kris Kringle to insist on carrying on this tradition during a pandemic. However, if he must deliver presents to the children of this city, we suggest he email them a gift card. If we catch him on our streets, he will be detained and his sleigh impounded.”

Reached for comment at the North Pole, Santa’s head elf released a statement: “We understand that the current pandemic has added a new layer of bureaucratic complexity to an already complicated world. Santa is committed to playing it safe and following all executive and legislative orders. That said, Santa knows which leaders have been bad or good, naughty or nice, and which have defied their own orders and dined on $500-a-plate dinners with wealthy donors. So be good for goodness sake.”

Governor Newsom photographed with friends at posh LA tent dining establishment Paris Lavatory

Governor Gavin Newsom has again stirred up controversy after he was recently photographed with friends dining at Paris Lavatory, one of LA’s ritziest and most exclusive tent dining establishments.

With Covid raging across the state and government mandated shutdowns forcing millions out of work, homeless tent communities are springing up across LA. Some of these communities feature McMansion-sized tents replete with showers, refrigerators, air conditioning and outdoor wading pools.

While touring one of these “high-end” homeless communities, searching for ways the state might generate revenue from them, Governor Newsom and associates dined at Paris Lavatory, a $500 a plate tent dining establishment.

Witnesses report the governor and friends dined without masks inside the tent.

“The governor sincerely regrets his decision to dine indoors without a mask. He was under the mistaken impression that tent dining didn’t really qualify as indoor dining,” said Charles Watson, spokesperson for the governor. “However, the governor was extremely impressed with how Californian’s are battling through adversity, building communities and engaging in commerce. He looks forward to finding a way to tax the shit out of it.”