Tag: Coronavirus

Fauci Hears A Hu

Despite recent revelations identifying three scientists at the Wuhan Lab as the first suspected cases of Covid-19, Dr. Anthony Fauci is standing by his public assertions that U.S. funded gain of function research was not performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the Covid-19 virus was the result of zoonotic spillover.

“Information provided by U.S. intelligence reports indicates that the coronavirus outbreak was indeed zoonotic in origin and that the culprit was a wild Hu.  I believe officials are now saying that the wild Hu became loose inside the Wuhan Lab and that it infected other scientists, which eventually led to the massive outbreak infecting billions across the globe,” Fauci said in a statement.     

In the past Fauci and other public health officials have pointed to pangolins and racoon dogs as possible sources of the coronavirus outbreak.  The recent information identifying Wuhan scientist Ben Hu as patient zero has Fauci feeling vindicated.

“From the start we have maintained that no gain of function research was performed at the Wuhan Lab and that the virus was not man made.  Now that we know that this strange, exotic Hu creature was the cause of the pandemic, and that myself and my colleague, Dr. Francis Collins, were in no way responsible for a coverup relating to the origins of Covid-19, I think a huge apology is in order by Senator Rand Paul and others who have questioned our credibility and our reputations as scientists,” Fauci said.

Fauci further indicated that he is not done investigating Covid’s origins, and that he owes it to The Science to get to the bottom of this outbreak.    

“How this Hu creature came to be infected is anybody’s guess.  I’ve consulted with my colleague, Dr. Seuss, who has written a very good paper on this subject, but it is yet unclear what might have infected the Hu.  Perhaps a Sour Kangaroo or some other such exotic beast,” Fauci said.

Bill Gates expects his predictions to achieve 100% unreliability in the coming months

After staring for days into Future Gazer, a specially designed Windows app that reveals future events exclusively to multi-billionaire Bill Gates, the newly divorced granddaddy of tech issued his most recent series of pronouncements to a world crying out for clarity in these uncertain times.

Gates began by describing coronavirus endgame version 5.0, writing in his blog, “It might be foolish to make another prediction, but I think the acute phase of the pandemic will come to a close some time in 2022.”  With those words humanity breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The oracle had spoken…again.  Only this time he’d eliminated all the bugs and defects that infected previous predictions and was now accurately foretelling events.      

Still one big question hung in the air, would BG address the Omicron variant?  As if hacked into the world’s collective consciousness, Gates delivered the goods.  “The world is better prepared to tackle potentially bad variants than at any other point in the pandemic so far.  We’re in a much better position to create updated vaccines if they’re needed,” he wrote.   

The people rejoiced!  Bill Gates, expert on everything under the sun by virtue of having several billion dollars, revised his predictions and this time you can take them to the bank.  And the bank won’t return them marked “insufficient funds.”

Gates went on to make a number of additional predictions regarding issues like global warming and overpopulation.  However, Gates ended the blog post on a curious note.  “I fear my ability to accurately foretell the future may be faltering.  The pandemic appears to have taken a toll on my powers of clairvoyance.  Months ago, I really thought brick and mortar schools were a thing of the past and e-learning was here to stay.  That forecast appears to have been little more than wishful thinking.  Sadly, barring a cognitive upgrade, there will undoubtedly come a time when my predictions cease to be relevant.  Until then, ladies, Bill the Thrill is still available and ready to party.  Furthermore, it might interest you all to know, I’m a dancing machine.”