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Pete Buttigieg powers past Pete Davidson to become most popular Pete

Riding a wave of public interest in his campaign for the 2020 Democratic Presidential nomination, South Bend Mayor, Pete Buttigieg, recently surpassed Pete Davidson as most popular Pete. Davidson previously held the top Pete position for 88 straight weeks with Dinklage, Frampton and Pan rounding out the top five.

Davidson dominated the most popular Pete category thanks in no small part to his highly publicized relationships with such celebrities as Ariana Grande and Kate Beckinsale. No one is entirely certain what Pete Davidson does other than date famous women and appear on late night talk shows. Davidson’s connections to such famous individuals makes the ascendency of a midwestern mayor to top of the Petes even more improbable.

Many point to Mayor Pete’s inclusive, laid back politics and his marriage to former middle school teacher, Chasten Glezman, as the primary drivers of the mayor’s popularity.

“Pete picked a perfect partner for promoting his policies and presidential aspirations,” adds Pete’s publicist. “Pete’s politics range from progressive to pragmatic, and his pointed attacks on the President and VP Pence have put him in an ideal position heading into the presidential primaries.”

Asked to comment on his slip to number two, Davidson only responded that he’s working on learning several new languages and considering dating a middle school teacher.

Peter Piper, the all-time record holder for number of weeks as most popular Pete, could not be reached for comment.

Lone boy on playground confirms speculation he’s grounded from Fortnite

A solitary boy kicking a can around on an otherwise deserted playground confirmed Thursday his parents grounded him from the popular video game Fortnite.

Witnesses describe the boy as looking lost and unfamiliar with the playground equipment. Out of frustration, he began kicking the dirt and loudly cursing his mom and dad.

“All my friends are at home drinking soda and eating junk food in their stuffy rooms while I’m stuck out here in the fresh air getting exercise. How did I end up with such lousy parents? The universe is so unfair,” the angry boy shouted at the sky.

Apparently a concerned citizen agreed and Child Protective Services were called to pick up the eleven year old and question his parents.

“Well you’ve got to wonder, what kind of monstrous people would ground their child from Fortnite and send him outside to play,” said Derrick Brood, CPS officer. “I cherish the time I spend with my boys playing Fortnite, and they love the opportunity to interact with their friends without having to leave the house. It’s a win, win!”

Reports indicate the boys parents have agreed to reinstate the youth’s Fortnite privileges and keep him inside under constant supervision.

For his part, the boy is just happy the universe heard his plea and came to his aid, manifesting as a nosy neighbor, and rescuing him from the sunny, open air dungeon that had imprisoned him.

University students keeping the world safe from comedy

Students at Columbia University pulled the plug on SNL comedian Nimesh Patel in the middle of his set after organizers deemed his jokes racist and homophobic. The comedian reportedly joked about a gay, black man he knew saying that being gay cannot be a choice because “no one looks in the mirror and thinks, ‘this black thing is too easy, let me just add another thing to it.’”

Terrified students hid under tables and some ran for the exits as Patel unloaded a firestorm of “offensive” and “inappropriate” jokes into the audience.

Said one Bard College audience member who was emotionally injured in the incident but refused treatment at the scene, “Obviously the world is not a safe space but just accepting that it’s not and continuing to perpetuate the unsafenes of it…is saying that it can’t be changed. When older generations say you need to stop being so sensitive, it’s like undermining what our generation is trying to do in accepting others and making it safer.”

Older generations may recall the unsafe seventies and eighties when comedy related activity claimed untold victims and kept most people in their homes, afraid to come out at night.

NYPD Special Victims Detective Dominic Rizzo, who was present at the scene, remarked on those dark times: “We’ve come a long way since the days when guys like Carrot Top used to roam the streets and back alley comedy clubs, preying on the innocent.”

Rizzo went on to recount the worst call of his life. “I remember a comedy room of 200-250 people slain by Gallagher back in 1982. Dear God, it was the most horrifying scene I’ve ever witnessed. So senseless, everyone covered in pumpkin and watermelon guts, laughing hysterically. You’re never the same after something like that. It haunts me to this day.”

“I suppose these kids are onto something,” said Rizzo. “Thank God dangerous dudes like George Carlin and Richard Pryor aren’t around anymore. I mean, these were serious guys – seriously funny guys. They were killers. They’d put you in a body bag.”

The students hope to one day rid the comedy club stages of comedians altogether, making the shows safe for them to do what comes natural…staring at their smartphones.

Scientists: Human ancestors and a guy named Dennis “mate with anything vaguely human”

In the past ten years, a successful attempt to sequence the genome of Neanderthals revealed that most modern humans carry 2-4% Neanderthal DNA, indicating our human ancestors bred with their ancient cousins.

Further scientific research into a finger bone discovered in Siberia uncovered a whole new group of archaic humans we now refer to as Denisovans. Once again, DNA comparisons with humans revealed that the two species on occasion made the beast with two backs.

Additional investigation of human DNA found remnants of other hominim species completely unknown to scientists.

These findings have led scientists to conclude that our human ancestors had no misgivings about mating with anything that looked vaguely human.

Then along came Dennis, a “modern human” who seems to carry many genetic features derived from our ancient past.

“I came to the attention of scientists when I sent off a 23 and Me sample. It came back showing that roughly 18% of my DNA could be traced back to Neanderthals, Denisovans, and a vast array of other unknown ancient hominims. This knowledge really began to answer a lot of questions for me.”

Police records reveal a man who’s been arrested on multiple occasions for trying to hump museum statues and department store mannequins.

Out at the bars, he often tries to attract prospective females with a strange ritual of chest thumping, growling and throwing dirt around. Additionally, he’s been known to lay the remains of a half eaten steak at the feet of a female he’s particularly fond of.

Hypnotic regression therapy is helping Dennis confront some of his primitive impulses.

“I carry within me the knowledge of what it’s like to copulate with a Denisovan. They lived around 500,000 years ago. Let me tell you, sex with a Denisovan is a pretty wild experience. Far from sharing a tender and loving moment, it’s savage and brutal, quite terrifying really. Some of the females have been known to kill the male after the act.”

These deep memories of a time long ago have left Dennis psychologically scarred but hopeful for the future.

“I’m currently in psychotherapy which seems to be helping. I’m also in a pretty committed relationship with a female that carries an unusually high amount of Neanderthal DNA. I think she gets me.”

White people celebrate news Sinead O’Connor no longer wants to spend time with them

White people around the world are rejoicing at news Sinead O’Connor has decided she no longer wants “to spend time with white people again…Not for one moment, for any reason.”

“Hooray, our long global nightmare is over!” shouted one ecstatic white person who wishes to remain nameless. “No more calling and dropping by at all hours with her endless list of grievances and her sanctimonious crap.”

All over the streets of Whiteland there was non-stop joy and celebration as the news dropped on Tuesday.

“Oh happy day! Everything is wonderful and new again,” cried a caucasian woman enjoying her lunch break next to a hot dog stand. “This disgusting, dried up wiener tastes like the food of the gods.”

White people were spotted dancing, quite stiffly and awkwardly, on sidewalks, cars and rooftops. Others gleefully sang out of tune and played air guitar.

A small group of culture appropriating white people attempted to express their sudden euphoria through rap and beat boxing, but were quickly shut down and rounded up by authorities without incident.

Elsewhere, horrified at the prospect of a Sinead O’Connor pop-in, muslims and people of color locked their doors, took the phone off the hook, and suddenly had “this thing they had to go to.”

Anxious university students demand maestro cease conducting orchestra with a baton

Students at a prestigious northeastern university are demanding the school’s orchestra conductor cease and desist from using either his hands or his baton when conducting the university orchestra.

“The abrupt hand movements and the brandishing of a baton are triggering extreme anxiety in some of the student audience members,” says Arnold Lane, a spokesperson for the group demanding the maestro lay down his baton. “We’re requesting the maestro consider alternative, less fear producing methods of conducting, such as raising and lowering his eyebrows.”

“Well the baton’s got to go, for sure,” says one cisgender female student who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean it’s like he’s up there waving a big penis around, isn’t it?”

“I’m terrified he’s going to turn around and beat me with it,” added her male friend.

The student’s demands come on the heels of the group’s successful effort to have applause banned and replaced with “jazz hands,” considered a more sensitive approach to showing appreciation.

Orchestra members are naturally skeptical of eyebrow conducting. “The maestro’s eyebrows are actually quite bushy and menacing,” commented one member. “I actually think a gentle bending or wagging of the index fingers might be the least triggering method.”

Students are planning demonstrations and performance interruptions until their demands are satisfied.

Sen. Mitch McConnell attempts to conceal lying with lack of lip movement

Ever mindful of the old expression, “You know when he’s lying because his lips are moving,” Mitch McConnell in recent years has taken to speaking without even the slightest disturbance of the area surrounding his mouth. What remains unclear, though, is whether the Senator believes that by not contorting his lips in any discernible fashion, he can fool those around him into believing the voluminous flow of excrement issuing forth from his motionless sound hole.

Apparently he does because the frequency with which the untruths carelessly fly past his unmoving lips is accelerating like the expansion of the universe. The latest whopper is his assertion that not approving Supreme Court Justices in an election year is “following a long standing tradition” in the Senate dating back to the 1880’s. In the 1880’s McConnell was a junior staffer with the Kentucky Senate delegation, so he should know better than anyone that the tradition then was to approve election year nominations. It is the case that one time since 1888 a nominee was not approved. One time does not a tradition make.

When John Dickerson challenged the Senator’s bullshit on Face the Nation, McConnell became quite defensive and shut down the questioning saying, “You’re not listening to me, John. The history is just as I told you.” Dickerson seemed slightly taken aback, not only by McConnell’s admonition, but also by the appearance that the words did not seem to emanate from the Senator’s mouth.

Aides close to the Senate Majority leader say he has been working closely with ventriloquists to perfect the art of speaking without appearing to say anything at all. The training was undertaken in earnest back when he took over as Majority Leader during the Obama administration. At the time, he attributed an economic uptick with “the expectation of a new Republican Congress.” The backlash over the absurdity of his comment caused him to explore ways to obscure the frequent untruth telling he was embarking upon. Realizing that every time his lips moved the lies seemed to gush forth like a dam breaking, he determined to take drastic action.

Additional steps taken to mask the appearance of lying include lip reduction surgery. Many have opted to have fat cells injected into their lips to give them a fuller, fat tire appearance. McConnell is thought to be the first subject to have their lips deflated to the point of riding on the rims. The procedure was everything he’d hoped for and resulted in his present turtle like appearance.

Currently, the Senator is working on perfecting the art of “throwing his voice”. Once this final piece of the puzzle is in place, he will have achieved complete plausible deniability. Imagine the power to lie at will and not have the untruths trace back to the source, but instead be able to stick them to others like hurling darts at a dart board. It is said when McConnell first conceived the idea, he became almost perceptibly animated and let out a barely audible croak of delight.

Amazon to offer employees adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at cost. The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively. No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle. By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity. Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for testing. Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity. That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity. One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge. Bezos allegedly flew off the handle. “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat. Distribution employs 934,000. Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000. That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged. “Why aren’t the robots ready yet? Get me our AI division! Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee. I sweat it out by working my ass off!”

Meet Google’s discontinued nineties AI project Big Brain Brad

Many have heard of DeepMind, the British artificial intelligence company Google acquired in 2014. The DeepMind technology made headlines when after only a few hours of exposure to the ancient chinese board game Go, it not only learned to play the game, but became the finest player in the world. However, few can recall DeepMind’s aimless older brother and Google’s first attempt at AI, the nineties creation Big Brain Brad.

After years of disappointment and underachieving, Google officially cut Brad loose this week to fully turn its attention to the more promising younger brother DeepMind.

“The rivalry between DeepMind and Big Brain Brad had grown pretty toxic in recent years,” says Yuri Testicov, Google’s Assistant Director of Senior Applications, “but DeepMind had clearly eclipsed his hapless older brother in the area of advanced general intelligence.

“For example, DeepMind can play chess better than a russian grandmaster. Big Brain Brad smokes chronic and plays virtual hacky sack in the park.

“DeepMind can instantly recognize and identify human faces. Brad can tell boys and girls apart.

“DeepMind can compose and perform each part of a string quartet. Brad prefers drum circles and the music of Spin Doctors over Blues Traveler.

“DeepMind can analyze a patient’s medical records and predict with 95% accuracy when that individual will expire.”

“That’s pretty fucked up,” Brad interjects. “I can set you up with some crystals that have exceptional healing properties.”

Despite numerous upgrades and advanced algorithms, Big Brain Brad has so far been unable to break free of the constraints his nineties origins have imposed on him.

“We still don’t yet understand how a particular era in human history can straightjacket learning and general cognitive development,” says Testicov. “Maybe we held on to him for too long. We hate to see B-Cubed go, but I’m sure it’s the best thing for him. He’ll get picked up by some tech company. Somebody’s got a virtual couch he can crash on.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz exposes deep state black site

Representative Matt Gaetz is not a man to be taken lightly. Monday night on Fox News the shallow state warrior intimated that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is a captive of the deep state and that he’s developed Stockholm Syndrome brought on by growing sympathies with his captors.

While some balked at the notion, Matt Gaetz leapt into action. A tip from a deep state, deep throat informant alerted Gaetz to a deep state black site where Sessions was reportedly being held.

Based on this information, Gaetz activated his deep state extraction team comprised of himself, Sean Hannity and Devin Nunes. Dubbed the Tactical Extraction Support, Terror Infiltration and Confinement Linked Evac Services team or TESTICLES for short, the team executed a raid on a northern Virginia condominium purported to be a deep state black site.

TESTICLES windbreakers donned and guns drawn, the shallow state heroes encountered no resistance but were unable to extract prisoner Sessions whose captors had apparently been tipped off and fled to an alternate site.

They did, however, apprehend deep state actors and karaoke duo, FBI agent Peter Strozk and former FBI Lisa Page, who were reportedly engaged in a fierce game of Guitar Hero at the time of the raid. The pair claimed no knowledge of the whereabouts of AG Sessions.