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China spy balloon sought American tater tot technology

United States officials confirmed Monday that the Chinese spy balloon which terrorized much of the country over the weekend was after America’s closely guarded tater tot technology.

Experts say this is just the latest example of the Chinese attempting to expropriate American intellectual property.

Developed during the cold war, the process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953. No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable tater tot. Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”

U.S. officials have confirmed that the Chinese spy balloon crossed into American airspace from Canada over Idaho. Officials are claiming that the balloon was utilizing ground penetrating radar to learn more about our nation’s vast underground tater tot manufacturing capabilities.

The manufacture of tater tots is a highly specialized process. Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

American officials are also exploring the possibility that the Chinese may have been aided by spies working in Canada. “The Canadians would love nothing more than tater tot technology to fall into the hands of the Chinese,” said an unnamed Pentagon source.

Strange scenes in the alley 2

A couple of nights ago, there was a car parked in front of my garage containing a young couple engaged in amorous relations. My garage doors open almost directly into the alley, leaving not so much a driveway, but a small, car-width sliver of space between the garage and the alley. Of all the thousands of discreet places in the city, it was in this space that the pair of youngsters, overcome by passion and desire, decided to dock their mid-size sedan to permit the male occupant the opportunity to dock something else.

Inside the house, I was totally oblivious to the strange vehicle and the illicit love making going on outside. That is until my wife came home and asked who was parked back by the garage. Needing to take out the trash anyway, I decided to walk back there and investigate. As I drew closer to the garage, I could tell that the car was running. Although it was dark, I figured the driver would see me approaching and tear off into the night. I rattled the trash cans a bit, hoping to get the driver’s attention, but still there was no discernible activity coming from the car. In retrospect, if the car had been rockin, I might not have bothered knockin. But I couldn’t see anyone sitting in the front seat, so I moved in closer to take a look. It was dark, but I could just make out a figure laying down in the backseat. I wondered if perhaps this was some homeless person who had pulled into this spot to take a nap. Almost every conceivable explanation flashed through my brain as I knocked on the window. But it never occurred to me that the car’s occupants were making the beast with two backs until two figures popped up, startled at my tap, tap, tapping on their Chevy Malibu door. The young man hurriedly hopped out the door on the opposite side of the car, struggling to pull up his pants.

For my part, I was a little shocked at the scene I had stumbled upon and immediately began to flip out. “What the fuck are you doing!? This is private fucking parking! You can’t do that shit here! We run a clean damn family neighborhood around here!” My wife later told me that from inside the house she could hear every word I shouted, which means my daughter and most of the neighbors could probably hear me as well. Listening to myself cursing at this young man, I paused, collected my thoughts and began to calm down. “Listen, son,” I said. “We’ve all been in your situation before, but parking in someone’s drive is a real amateur move. Any homeowner that sees a strange vehicle parked on their property is going to investigate. You’re lucky it’s me and that I’m cool. My wife wanted to call the cops. Just go find a deserted parking lot, or park behind one of the bars downtown. Nobody down there will give a second glance to a couple of lovebirds copulating in the backseat of a car. Probably happens every night. Now scram, you horny devil.”

As I stood there, proud of myself for reining in my irritation and using the situation as a teachable moment to impart some of my accumulated wisdom on the younger generation, the impassioned couple tore off down the alley and into the night, flipping me the bird and yelling “Fuck you old man” as their taillights disappeared into the darkness. I just shook my head and smiled. They may not realize it yet, but one day when they’re coupling in solitude, they’ll appreciate the wise advice that grouchy old man gave them.

Trump wins ‘free and fair’ golf club championship at Trump International

Former President Donald Trump claimed yet another club championship victory Sunday at Trump International Golf Club. While it is impossible to know exactly how many titles the former president holds, Trump himself puts the number at more than 20.

Trump took to Truth Social on Sunday to humbly accept his club’s honor as this year’s champion. “A great honor to have won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club…. Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

Tournament officials claim this year’s championship to be one the cleanest and fairset club championships in the history of the tournament with few irregularities reported. This fact did not go unnoticed by Trump. “Golf is a gentleman’s game, played by men of honor and integrity. It is comforting to know that there is still an arena where the lying Democrats can’t steal victory out from under you.”

However, there were some competitors and patrons at this year’s tournament who claim to have noticed some irregularities in the way the competition was conducted. One aspect of the tournament that seemed out of the ordinary was that former President Trump did not play in the first round of the two round competition. Trump was absent from the tournament on Saturday, attending the memorial service of Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway. Officials report Trump was permitted to count a round he played earlier in the week as his first round score.

Onlookers also report witnessing strange Secret Service men in suits and dark glasses lurking behind trees and bushes near where Trump’s shots came to rest. The final resting place of his shots often seemed inconsistent with the path and trajectory of the ball’s flight as witnessed from where the shot was struck. “He sure got a lot of lucky bounces,” said one onlooker.

Declining gym attendance indicates many Americans have already achieved their New Year’s fitness goals

As the first month of 2023 draws to a close, it has become apparent that many Americans who resolved to get back in shape this year have done so in record time. Indeed, these gym warriors hit it hard for the first couple weeks of January, causing attendance at many locations to double or even triple. Having transformed themselves in record time, many January gym rats are already hanging up their shorts and checking another resolution off their list.

“I set a pretty ambitious goal this year to get in better shape than I was last year,” said Cal Thomas, member at Fantastic Fitness. “I managed to achieve that goal in about three workouts. Needless to say, I was pretty inactive in 2022. Next year I hope to double my current fitness level by going for six sessions.”

Gym memberships swelled the first week of January, leaving many year-round regulars having to adjust their fitness routines. Access to facilities and equipment was temporarily hampered by the influx, but now seems to be opening back up again.

“We’re just cranking out healthy people right and left,” said fitness trainer Joe Buck. “We’re all about rapid results. It’s amazing what you can do with two weeks and a burning desire for a new you.”

Biden administration seeks ban on 4-slice toasters

Days after backing away from a pledge to pull every gas stove from every kitchen in America, Biden administration regulators have now set their sights on four slice toasters, which they maintain are wasteful and contribute to a culture of needless gluttony and excess.

The administration’s Domestic Food Prep Regulatory Task Force has recommended the abolition of four slice toasters be accomplished in four phases. The first phase would scale back to three slices by 2024. The second phase would require all toasters be two slices or less by 2026. If all goes well, regulations would require toasters to accommodate no more than one slice by 2028 and completely eliminate toasters by 2030, the target year for which the United Nations mandates all nations revert to a toastless dystopian hellscape.

Naturally, the plan has elicited outrage from toast lovers all across the fruited plain. Protesters clad only in strategically placed slices of toast were arrested outside the White House Monday, and traffic was disrupted for several hours when a truckload of toast was dumped in the middle of a busy DC interstate.

California has already signaled a willingness to comply with the regulations, promising a complete ban on all toast including French and garlic by 2026.

A piece of toast depicting an image of the Virgin Mary was reported to have wept at the announcement.

When pressed for comment, the president of the American Toast Federation warned, “From my cold dead hands.”

“Hey, brother, can you spare a square?” Business Insider drops explosive Twitter files bathroom bomb

Move over Matt Taibbi. You’ve just been scooped by the princess of poop. Business Insider’s Kali Hays today dropped a load so fetid and scandalous it’s sure to create some early P.U.litzer buzz.

While Taibbi & Co. have been exposing efforts by the FBI and sitting U.S. Congressman to censor Twitter accounts and to have journalists removed from the social media platform, Kali Hays has been combing through troves of Twitter emails and explosive internal Slack messages that reveal a company on the brink of mutiny.

According to Hays’ two sources, Twitter offices in New York and San Francisco are dealing with clogged commodes and may be just days away from running completely out of toilet paper. Conditions at these locations have become so desperate that employees are standing out on the sidewalk begging passersby to spare a square.

In response, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has issued a companywide directive requiring all restroom visitors adhere to a strict two square per visit limit with a cap of three restroom visits per day. This is said to be causing quite a hardship in New York, but sources in San Francisco say it’s not a problem because everybody’s allowed to just shit outdoors on the sidewalk anyway.

Hays also reports that her sources embedded inside the bathrooms at Twitter are noticing that the normally soft and fluffy two-ply toilet paper is being replaced with a coarser single-ply. The result is that employees are finding it difficult to sit at their terminals for extended periods of time.

In response, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has issued a companywide directive that all employees shall be transitioned to stand-up terminals effective immediately.

Sam Harris can’t stop talking about his ex

Sam Harris devoted his latest podcast to airing some unresolved feelings toward his old flame, Twitter. Remarking that leaving Twitter is like leaving a bad relationship, Harris again rehashed the issues and circumstances that led to their break up, and also added some thoughts about his ex’s recent behavior. For a man who claims his personal well-being has benefited from cutting ties with the social media platform, he still seems to spend a fair amount of time thinking about it.

That said, there was little to disagree with for the first ten minutes of his rant. Everything he said about Trump’s behavior as president, Republican capture by the cult of Trump and the Democrat’s bewildering devotion to identitarianism seems pretty spot on. However, he can’t resist picking up a stick and beating that old dead horse that was at least partially responsible for his Twitter break up. Once again he defends Twitter’s suppression of the New York Post’s Hunter Biden laptop story, even going so far as to point out how much Twitter executives agonized over censoring the story. Golly, we should all thank our lucky stars we’re never confronted with making such a difficult decision.

Sam Harris claims to care about free speech. He also claims to care about the integrity of this country’s institutions. No one’s saying we should just let Twitter become 4-chan. But social media companies censoring mainstream media institutions is an attack on those institutions and an attack on free speech. Whatever you think about the New York Post, it’s been around doing journalism for a long time. Twitter executives and content moderators in the Philippines have no business second guessing the work of a mainstream media outlet. This should not be controversial. This isn’t a matter of hindsight. The New York Post did its homework on the story and any other media outlet could have as well. Let the Post live or die by its reporting. Twitter and Facebook should be under no obligation to censor mainstream reporting. They should, in fact, have an obligation to let it circulate, if they respect our country’s journalistic institutions and care at all about free speech or public debate.

Moreover, suppressing or censoring the contributions of Stanford and Harvard professors to the public debate over health policy is hugely scandalous and constitutes an attack on their profession and the institutions they represent. When did content moderators become the ultimate arbiters of what is acceptable public discourse in health policy debate? What expertise do they possess over doctors who represent America’s leading educational institutions? How are social media companies not undermining these institutions by pursuing censorship policies? Let these doctors face the criticism of their peers, but the Twitter execs should stay out of it.

It is bewildering that Sam Harris, who claims to be a man of rationality and reason, would defend these censorship policies on his “Making Sense” podcast. In both of the previously cited examples, the suppressed and censored turned out to be largely correct in their assertions. Additionally, they were making these assertions from a position of knowledge and expertise, not in an environment where nothing was known. By not respecting experts, their professions and their institutions, Twitter, Facebook and defenders of their reckless decisions, like Sam Harris, do harm to our institutions and undermine their own credibility in the process.

Congress passes $817 billion relief package for struggling Pentagon

Fresh off the Defense Department’s fifth failed audit, Congress came to the rescue Friday authorizing $817 billion to be pumped into the gaping black hole that is the Pentagon’s gargantuan budget. Congressional leaders hope the massive appropriation is enough to temporarily satiate the Pentagon beast and satisfy its ravenous appetite. Citing inflation concerns, officials say this year’s budget represents a nearly ten percent increase over the previous year.

“Inflation being what it is, we expect our capability and readiness to mismanage a shit ton of funding to increase as well,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “Projections indicate losses due to waste, fraud, abuse and criminality to grow dramatically in fiscal year 2023.”

Austin’s comments appear to align with the results of the most recent defense department audit where 1,600 auditors failed to account for 61 percent of the Pentagon’s assets. Pentagon Comptroller Mike McCord described the failed audit as a “teachable moment.”

“I would not say that we flunked. The process is important for us to do, and it is making us get better. It is not making us get better as fast as we want,” McCord said.

Despite the waste, fraud and abuse, lawmakers cite the need to outpace foreign rivals as the driving force behind the increased funding.

“Month after month, year after year, competitors such as China are methodically pouring money and planning into upgrading and modernizing their own militaries,” croaked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “They are constantly probing new ways to expand their military, intelligence, economic, and political reach — indirectly or directly threatening American forces and our allies’ and partners’ forces.”

Indeed, China spent a whopping $230 billion last year on its defense. The figure marked a seven percent increase in probing new ways to threaten the United States over the previous year.

Additionally, the mainstream media’s favorite bogeyman and number one threat to American democracy Russia has announced it will spend $84 billion on defense in 2023, a 40 percent increase over its previously allocated amount. At its present pace, Russia could overtake what the United States spends on Ukrainian defense as early as 2024.

To be sure, with all the perceived threats looming out there, Congress can’t shovel money fast enough into the bottomless abyss that is the United States Defense budget. Additionally, members of both parties and the media are having none of this talk of budget oversight or negotiated solutions to ongoing conflicts. “Don’t speak of diplomacy and things that don’t explode, you Russian stooge,” warn the paid experts and former intelligence officials on MSNBC and at the Washington Post.

Sammy the Crypto Clown out on bail

Sam Bankman Fried, aka SBF, aka the Notorious SBF, aka Sammy the Crypto Clown is free on $250 million bail today. Sources report the disgraced FTX CEO attempted to pay his bail in FTT tokens but was prevented in doing so by the judge. SBF argued that while currently worthless those FTT tokens would one day bring untold riches to whoever possessed them. The judge ruled the court would rather have his parents’ home.

Meanwhile, FTX CTO Gary “Wang Bang” Wang and Alameda CEO and crypto-nymph Caroline Ellison have pleaded guilty to multiple federal charges including wire fraud, wire fraud conspiracy, and conspiracy to commit securities fraud. Sources report the pair are cooperating with federal prosecutors.

SBF will be required to wear an ankle band and must confine his activities to his parents’ California home, the judge ruled. Joseph Bankman and Barbara Fried have promised the court to closely supervise their son and steer him away from operating any multi-billion dollar Ponzi schemes while he awaits trial.

Despite resigning her position with Democratic super political action committee Mind the Gap, Barbara Fried is now calling upon her Silicon Valley mega-donor friends to give generously to her son’s legal defense fund. Contributing to the Democratic Party is no longer the most effective way to promote positive change in the world, Fried argues. Instead, securing SBF’s freedom through charitable giving is the best way to promote peace and justice this holiday season.

Fifty years after Lou Reed took a Walk on the Wild Side

Fifty years after Lou Reed released the album Transformer, his Walk on the Wild Side is looking increasingly like a walk on the mild side. While it will always be one of the great rock and roll albums, the taboo subjects and subversive themes Reed explored in those days now seem rather tame by present standards, and would probably only elicit yawns from many listeners today. To be sure, taking a walk on the wild side ain’t what it used to be.

Take Holly from Miami FLA, for instance. After plucking her eyebrows, shaving her legs and becoming a she, Holly eagerly sets out to take a walk on the wild side. Thirsting for adventure, she hits the mean streets of the city ready to give the tiger a whirl. Instead she’s ushered into the local public library where she reads children’s books to the assembled youngsters for an hour. Later in the day, she’s invited to participate in a family friendly event where she dances and lip-syncs while moms and dads sip beer, kids geek out on Mountain Dew and they all devour hot wings and french fries.

Then there’s Candy from out on the Island. Of course, the back room is no longer her scene. Candy has an OnlyFans page where she’s assembled quite a following of pathetic rich dudes who are all certain Candy’s heart belongs only to them. She’s still everybody’s darling, but if you want her to be your darling, you’ll have to register in advance for the special private group event at the OnlyFans Convention in Las Vegas.

Jackie is still speeding away, only now she’s on Adderall to treat her “attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.” Jackie’s job in the tech sector demands that she take on more projects and become more productive. She’s strutting her stuff on the wild side, logging twenty hour days for a crypto start-up. While she has no idea who James Dean is, she does sometimes feel like a god and pities all those poor souls who’ve never experienced the pleasures of amphetamines.

Sometimes it feels like the wild side should’ve stayed in the wild. There was something secret and thrilling about reading stories or hearing songs from a world that was illicit and underground. Most likely, the wild side was doomed when Lou Reed penned his songs all those years ago. Certainly, by the time he did that Honda Scooter commercial, it was curtains for the wild side.