October 2024 – If there is something

As governor, Walz labored on highway project to save taxpayers money

Following former president Donald Trump’s brief employment as a McDonald’s drive-thru attendant, media outlets rushed to question the authenticity of Trump’s new part-time gig.

Newsweek tapped sources on social media to confirm whether Trump had indeed taken on a second job. There they uncovered an inconvenient truth for the Trump campaign and reported, “rumors have been circulating on social media that Trump’s visit to McDonald’s was ‘staged.’”

A McDonald burn. Out of the frying basket and into the fryer.

Sensing something smelled Filet-O-Fishy, NBC News went on a little fact-finding mission of its own:

“The franchise in Feasterville was closed for normal business during Sunday’s photo op. The customers who went through the drive thru were pre-selected by the franchise and the local Trump campaign team, according to a person familiar with the event. The cars were also screened and searched, and the people in them were wanded down, according to the source.”

Apparently, the whole episode was just a ruse and the former president was not trying to pick up a little extra campaign cash.

As the debate continued to rage, MSNBC’s Steve Benen dropped some nuance, like a sizzling patty on a sesame seed bun:

“Those characterizing this as “work,” however, have been overly generous: There’s an important difference between work and theatrics, and this was definitely the latter.”

As proof that the Harris campaign knows a little something about work, they released a photo of Tim Walz with fellow Dem colleague Amy Klobuchar laboring on a highway project back in 2022.

According to media reports, the two worked shovels ten hours a day for nearly eight months in an effort to save taxpayers money.

Harris fails to address looming tater tot crisis

With Americans increasingly worried over the nation’s looming tater tot shortage, Democrat presidential nominee Kamala Harris has yet to address the issue.

Citing environmental concerns, the Biden administration closed the nation’s largest tater tot factory located in an undisclosed, underground location in Idaho. According to industry experts, a new manufacturing facility can take years, even decades, to get up and running.

The process for manufacturing tater tots has been a closely guarded national secret ever since their invention in 1953. No other country in the world is capable of fabricating the unique extruded potato cylinders.

Countries like Israel, Russia and China have all claimed to be in possession of tater tot technology, but so far have been unable to produce a viable tater tot. Most of the “tots” produced by these nations appear to more closely resemble irregularly shaped “bites.”

The manufacture of tater tots is a highly specialized process. Located beneath vast potato fields, the Idaho facility sucks the potatoes from below into its underground operation, working around the need to transport potatoes into the factory and possibly reveal its whereabouts.

Kamala Harris has yet to propose an alternative plan for manufacturing tater tots. However, mega billionaire Elon Musk has publicly stated that he could have a working tater tot facility up and running on Mars in less than 72 hours.

Scrolling motorists plead for more patience

A group of motorists today is calling on the public to exhibit a little more patience while they finish scrolling on their phones at traffic signals and stop signs. They claim other motorists are way too quick to tap their horns while waiting on drivers to wrap up their social media posting.

“It’s gotten to be such a hassle,” said one young person who refused to give her name. “I mean, I’m at a red light just trying to finish an Instagram post and this impatient asshole taps his horn after the light turns green. I’m like, yeah I see it, give me a second here.”

Recent analysis of traffic patterns has shown that driver reaction time from when a signal turns from red to green has slowed from an average of 1.3 seconds to 2.8. The result has been a reduction in traffic flow and increased congestion. Many motorists blame the stop light scrollers for creating the problem.

“The light turns and they just sit there. It’s like, could you stop shopping for a moment and resume driving?” offered one very cranky oldtimer.

“I don’t think some people realize how in demand I am on social media,” said Instagram influencer, Natasha Rambova. “If I’m not posting in a timely manner, my followers notice my absence and become quite anxious and concerned.”

Some municipalities have toyed with the idea of increasing the duration of red lights. While the idea has proven to be quite popular with the scrolling set, most motorists are predictably hostile.

“Put your #*^#$-r#$@&%+ phone down and go,” one waiting motorist could be observed screaming.