Tag: work

Morning of unrest at the doughnut shop

Serious grumblings nearly escalated into violence at the doughnut shop this morning over excruciating wait times to get served.  Witnesses report customers began to grow hostile after a series of large doughnut orders frustrated and enraged patrons waiting in line.

Tempers flared as yet another customer ordered enough doughnuts to feed a biker rally.

“Okay, I’m going to need eight dozen.  Give me two chocolate frosted, one with sprinkles.  I’ll take a cinnamon glazed, two double chocolate, one apple spice, two long johns…”

“With or without cream filling?” the doughnut lady asked.

“One with, one without.  Okay, where are we at?”

“Nine down, only 87 more to go.”

Patrons let out audible groans as they glanced at their watches, mindful of the time left before the start of work.  The next customer in line stepped up to the counter. 

“How many please?” the attendant asked.

“I’m going to need an even dozen dozen.”

A chorus of protestations and curses went up from the waiting throng.

“For the love of God, man.  Are you trying to feed every police and fire station in the county?” someone shouted.

Trying to be helpful, a man at the back of the line calmly asked the doughnut lady if they might open an express lane for people ordering 12 doughnuts or less.  The request fell of deaf ears.

“Please, sir.  Please think of my children,” a mother implored the gentleman ordering 144 doughnuts.  “Their energy level is quite diminished and they need a chocolate frosted with sprinkles before they go to school.  Could you please find it in your heart to stand aside for a moment and let them be served?”  

“Fat chance!” the man grumbled.

After several more gargantuan orders, it became apparent that the stacks of trays that once contained a seemingly limitless number of doughnuts, rolls, and fluffy pastry now appeared mostly sparse.  Panic set in as the realization hit that the day’s supply of doughnuts was close to running out.  A number of patrons raced for the door, desperate to get to the next doughnut shop.  Others pushed to the front of the line shouting out their last orders.  

“Please, I just need a twister!”

Then the doughnut lady, who had been toiling since 2:00 in the morning, thanked her customers and closed up shop having sold all her doughnuts before 9:00 a.m.

New glasses, new problems

Lately, I’ve been receiving signals that I ought to do something about my eyesight.  The menu board at an unfamiliar takeout restaurant can be confusing enough, but if you can’t read the selections, then you’re pretty screwed.  I tried just making up menu items for a while.  I would say, “Just give me a club sandwich, or something.”  Then the order taker would politely inform me of their choices that most closely resemble a club sandwich, which often just included the addition of avocado, and I’d say, “That would be fine,” and we’d go from there.  But, lately, they’ve begun to treat me like I’m illiterate or something, speaking to me slowly and patiently like I’m a child.  Even my own daughter began to shoot me looks that seemed to doubt my literacy.

So, at the urging of my better half, I decided to get new glasses.  Several hundred dollars later, these cheap plastic spectacles seem to have brought about an entirely new set of challenges.  Don’t get me wrong, they’ve also opened up a whole new world of possibilities.  Before, I mostly stuck to driving familiar routes because I had difficulty reading signs and recognizing landmarks.  But now that I can read highway signs, I’m exploring entirely new realms and unfamiliar territory.  Also, it came as a pleasant surprise to see that the speed limit on most highways has been raised from 55 to 70.  This explains why I’d been the recipient of so much hostility from other drivers in recent years.

The challenges invariably arise when I’m indoors.  I seem to have difficulty and lack confidence knowing where to place my feet.  This has caused me to stumble around and bump into doorways at work.  My boss has been looking askance at me like I’m intoxicated or something.  But I assured her I haven’t been drunk or stoned at work for pretty close to ten years now.  Also, going down stairs is like descending into a murky abyss.  Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope for the best.

However, an incident this morning might be the final straw as far as these new glasses are concerned.  I had just gotten a cup of coffee at Starbucks from the friendliest group of young people you’d ever want to meet, when I merrily strode out to the parking lot to get in my car and head to work.  For some reason, however, I had a difficult time unlocking the car door.  The key fob didn’t seem to work and when I tried to manually unlock the door, the key wouldn’t fit in the lock.  After a few moments, a woman came running out of the Starbucks with one of the larger male employees shouting at me to get away from her car and that she’s calling the cops.  Mortified, I noticed that my car was in the next space over, so I hurriedly jumped in it and sped out of there like Vin Diesel.  I made it to work without incident, not knowing whether an a.p.b. had been issued for my capture.  At any rate, I’m probably going to ditch these glasses, but I may wear them for another week as an aid to eluding authorities, or at least until the heat has died down.

People are talking about all the times they were “quiet baked” at work, and the internet is abuzz

Quiet quitting, quiet firing, quiet hiring, it seems you can’t pick up the internet these days without reading about how the workplace is being transformed in very subtle ways by Millenials and Gen Z.  

Sensing a change in attitudes about how we think and talk about work, Gen Xers are also beginning to unburden themselves regarding the unspoken practices they’ve brought to their working routine.  

“I’ve been ‘quiet baked’ at work for decades,” said Roger Ambrose, a line cook at a very upscale Chicago eatery.  “I used to wait until my shift was over to fire up a bowl, but eventually I just said, ‘fuck that.’  I need to establish a more healthy work/life balance.” 

So Roger started getting baked before work, at break and sometimes even in the restroom.  But rather than ask his supervisor for permission, Roger took it upon himself to quietly carve out a little time for himself to attend to his mental health. 

“Well, the truth is, my boss was getting super stoned as well.  I mean, he was so bloodshot and pie-eyed, I just figured he’d never notice if I snuck a toke or two,” Roger said.

“‘Quiet baking’ is a rejection of extreme ‘hustle culture,’” said leadership expert and Tik Tok guru Emily Armstrong.  “These workers are turning their back on the notion that if they go above and beyond their regular duties, then they will be rewarded with raises, bonuses and promotions.”     

“That sounds about right,” said Roger.  “Often I make sure I get a little ‘quiet compensation.’  As long as I get the waitstaff ‘quiet baked,’ they don’t notice if a few bucks go silently missing from the tip jar.”