Tag: driving

Scrolling motorists plead for more patience

A group of motorists today is calling on the public to exhibit a little more patience while they finish scrolling on their phones at traffic signals and stop signs.  They claim other motorists are way too quick to tap their horns while waiting on drivers to wrap up their social media posting.

“It’s gotten to be such a hassle,” said one young person who refused to give her name.  “I mean, I’m at a red light just trying to finish an Instagram post and this impatient asshole taps his horn after the light turns green.  I’m like, yeah I see it, give me a second here.” 

Recent analysis of traffic patterns has shown that driver reaction time from when a signal turns from red to green has slowed from an average of 1.3 seconds to 2.8.  The result has been a reduction in traffic flow and increased congestion.  Many motorists blame the stop light scrollers for creating the problem.

“The light turns and they just sit there.  It’s like, could you stop shopping for a moment and resume driving?” offered one very cranky oldtimer.  

“I don’t think some people realize how in demand I am on social media,” said Instagram influencer, Natasha Rambova.  “If I’m not posting in a timely manner, my followers notice my absence and become quite anxious and concerned.”  

Some municipalities have toyed with the idea of increasing the duration of red lights.  While the idea has proven to be quite popular with the scrolling set, most motorists are predictably hostile.

“Put your #*^#$-r#$@&%+ phone down and go,” one waiting motorist could be observed screaming.

New glasses, new problems

Lately, I’ve been receiving signals that I ought to do something about my eyesight.  The menu board at an unfamiliar takeout restaurant can be confusing enough, but if you can’t read the selections, then you’re pretty screwed.  I tried just making up menu items for a while.  I would say, “Just give me a club sandwich, or something.”  Then the order taker would politely inform me of their choices that most closely resemble a club sandwich, which often just included the addition of avocado, and I’d say, “That would be fine,” and we’d go from there.  But, lately, they’ve begun to treat me like I’m illiterate or something, speaking to me slowly and patiently like I’m a child.  Even my own daughter began to shoot me looks that seemed to doubt my literacy.

So, at the urging of my better half, I decided to get new glasses.  Several hundred dollars later, these cheap plastic spectacles seem to have brought about an entirely new set of challenges.  Don’t get me wrong, they’ve also opened up a whole new world of possibilities.  Before, I mostly stuck to driving familiar routes because I had difficulty reading signs and recognizing landmarks.  But now that I can read highway signs, I’m exploring entirely new realms and unfamiliar territory.  Also, it came as a pleasant surprise to see that the speed limit on most highways has been raised from 55 to 70.  This explains why I’d been the recipient of so much hostility from other drivers in recent years.

The challenges invariably arise when I’m indoors.  I seem to have difficulty and lack confidence knowing where to place my feet.  This has caused me to stumble around and bump into doorways at work.  My boss has been looking askance at me like I’m intoxicated or something.  But I assured her I haven’t been drunk or stoned at work for pretty close to ten years now.  Also, going down stairs is like descending into a murky abyss.  Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope for the best.

However, an incident this morning might be the final straw as far as these new glasses are concerned.  I had just gotten a cup of coffee at Starbucks from the friendliest group of young people you’d ever want to meet, when I merrily strode out to the parking lot to get in my car and head to work.  For some reason, however, I had a difficult time unlocking the car door.  The key fob didn’t seem to work and when I tried to manually unlock the door, the key wouldn’t fit in the lock.  After a few moments, a woman came running out of the Starbucks with one of the larger male employees shouting at me to get away from her car and that she’s calling the cops.  Mortified, I noticed that my car was in the next space over, so I hurriedly jumped in it and sped out of there like Vin Diesel.  I made it to work without incident, not knowing whether an a.p.b. had been issued for my capture.  At any rate, I’m probably going to ditch these glasses, but I may wear them for another week as an aid to eluding authorities, or at least until the heat has died down.