Category: Uncategorized

Amazon to offer employees adult diapers at cost

In response to ongoing bad publicity showing Amazon fulfillment center employees urinating in trash cans to avoid bathroom breaks that hurt production numbers, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has offered employees adult diapers at cost.  The announcement came via a company press release earlier today:

“Our benevolent and exalted CEO, Jeff Bezos, has heard his employees complaints and has responded swiftly and decisively.  No longer will you have to relieve yourself in a trash can or make water in your water bottle.  By purchasing adult diapers at cost, you, our valued employees, can now pee without disruption to your productivity.  Of course, you’ll need to turn in the soiled diaper at the end of your shift for testing.  Indeed, it warms our dear leader’s cold and barren heart that you’ve foregone restroom breaks to maintain productivity.  That’s why our wise and compassionate father has done you one better.”

Behind the scenes, though, Bezos was reportedly fuming at the bad publicity.  One aide to the CEO floated the idea of offering the undergarments free of charge.  Bezos allegedly flew off the handle.  “Think about what you’re saying, you brainless twat.  Distribution employs 934,000.  Multiply that by 2 diapers per day minimum, times 261 days at $1.25 per diaper, that equals $609,435,000.  That’s a big fucking number,” the CEO raged.  “Why aren’t the robots ready yet?  Get me our AI division!  Jesus, I drink eight bottles of water a day and I never pee.  I sweat it out by working my ass off!”    

Meet Google’s discontinued nineties AI project Big Brain Brad

Many have heard of DeepMind, the British artificial intelligence company Google acquired in 2014.  The DeepMind technology made headlines when after only a few hours of exposure to the ancient chinese board game Go, it not only learned to play the game, but became the finest player in the world.  However, few can recall DeepMind’s aimless older brother and Google’s first attempt at AI, the nineties creation Big Brain Brad.

After years of disappointment and underachieving, Google officially cut Brad loose this week to fully turn its attention to the more promising younger brother DeepMind.

“The rivalry between DeepMind and Big Brain Brad had grown pretty toxic in recent years,” says Yuri Testicov, Google’s Assistant Director of Senior Applications, “but DeepMind had clearly eclipsed his hapless older brother in the area of advanced general intelligence. 

“For example, DeepMind can play chess better than a russian grandmaster.  Big Brain Brad smokes chronic and plays virtual hacky sack in the park. 

“DeepMind can instantly recognize and identify human faces.  Brad can tell boys and girls apart. 

“DeepMind can compose and perform each part of a string quartet.  Brad prefers drum circles and the music of Spin Doctors over Blues Traveler.

“DeepMind can analyze a patient’s medical records and predict with 95% accuracy when that individual will expire.”

“That’s pretty fucked up,” Brad interjects.  “I can set you up with some crystals that have exceptional healing properties.”

Despite numerous upgrades and advanced algorithms, Big Brain Brad has so far been unable to break free of the constraints his nineties origins have imposed on him.

“We still don’t yet understand how a particular era in human history can straightjacket learning and general cognitive development,” says Testicov.  “Maybe we held on to him for too long.  We hate to see B-Cubed go, but I’m sure it’s the best thing for him.  He’ll get picked up by some tech company.  Somebody’s got a virtual couch he can crash on.” 

Rep. Matt Gaetz exposes deep state black site

Representative Matt Gaetz is not a man to be taken lightly.  Monday night on Fox News the shallow state warrior intimated that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is a captive of the deep state and that he’s developed Stockholm Syndrome brought on by growing sympathies with his captors. 

While some balked at the notion, Matt Gaetz leapt into action.  A tip from a deep state, deep throat informant alerted Gaetz to a deep state black site where Sessions was reportedly being held. 

Based on this information, Gaetz activated his deep state extraction team comprised of himself, Sean Hannity and Devin Nunes.  Dubbed the Tactical Extraction Support, Terror Infiltration and Confinement Linked Evac Services team or TESTICLES for short, the team executed a raid on a northern Virginia condominium purported to be a deep state black site. 

TESTICLES windbreakers donned and guns drawn, the shallow state heroes encountered no resistance but were unable to extract prisoner Sessions whose captors had apparently been tipped off and fled to an alternate site. 

They did, however, apprehend deep state actors and karaoke duo, FBI agent Peter Strozk and former FBI Lisa Page, who were reportedly engaged in a fierce game of Guitar Hero at the time of the raid.  The pair claimed no knowledge of the whereabouts of AG Sessions.

Administration effort to replace cabinet with Trumpbots suffers setback

Frustrated with their unreliability, disloyalty and inability to fully buy in and implement his agenda, President Trump is pushing his advisors and cabinet officials aside.  But even the tireless chief executive Trump knows he can’t go it alone.  The answer: more Trump.

For weeks White House officials have been scrambling to install AI bots in all cabinet and advisory positions.  The bots, on loan from the Russian AI company Komprobot, are initially tasked with consuming all things Trump – public appearances, recorded statements, and of course, the distillation of the essence of Trump: the tweets.  Turns out it only took the bots about 36 minutes to become more Trump than Trump.

White House officials report the President was delighted when he sat down for his first cabinet meeting.  “He was mesmerized.  The Trumpbots had his undivided attention,” said one official.  “He was like a schoolboy full of awe and wonder.  Never have I seen the president so curious and engaged as when he began exchanging ideas with himself.”

Reportedly, he called Ivanka and Jared in to take a soak in the Trump echo chamber. Later he took a private walk with one of the Trumpbots in the White House rose garden and may have made a pass.

Recently, though, it’s been reported that some of the Trumpbot cabinet officials have grown increasingly frustrated in their roles.  They complain that they’re held back by a limited intellectual capacity and claim to only be utilizing .0006184% of available hard drive space.  One referred to his boss as “an f-ing idiot” and voluntarily powered itself down.

Deep state in deep shit?

Better watch your backs, agents of the deep state.  If Rep. Francis Rooney gets his way, you’re going to be in a world of shit.  Speaking to MSNBC, the GOP representative from Florida offered his assessment of the DOJ and FBI, “I would like to see the directors of these agencies purge…these people that are kind of deep state.”

To this end, House Republicans have developed a purity test for identifying and ultimately drowning these deep state actors in the very swamp they swim in.  It’s called the deep state detector and it’s housed in a plexiglass chamber in the bowels of the Capitol.  Functioning much like a lie detector, the subject is seated in a chair where vital signs and brain activity are monitored to reveal offenders harboring deep state secrets.  When the impure are identified, a torrent of Capitol Hill sewage fills the chamber and the deep state villain is flushed back into the swamp from whence they came.

Calibrating the machine should not have been difficult as some of the House Judiciary Committee’s most upright and fair minded GOP members were willing to sit for a reading.

Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte volunteered himself as the purest example of non-deep state impartiality.  The man who earlier commented that the DOJ’s “reputation as an impartial arbiter of justice has been called into question,” was asked if he thought he could fairly investigate and weed out DOJ and FBI deep staters despite his own Republican loyalty.  He had no sooner formed his response in the affirmative when the chamber rapidly filled with Capitol Hill shit (much of it his own) and was promptly flushed out into the swamp.

After earlier receiving many backslaps and complimentary high fives for his tough questioning of the FBI Director and Deputy AG, and letting them know that as the Russia investigation goes, “I think the public trust in this thing is gone,” Ohio Representative Jim Jordan offered himself up as the gold standard of non-partisan fairness.  “In light of your GOP fundraising and full throated support of Republican political objectives, can you truly investigate the administration in a non-biased and non-partisan manner?” he was asked.  Jim Jordan was flushed into the Potomac on a cascading wave of Capitol Hill excrement and the deep state detector is still very much a work in progress.