Month: October 2025

Halloween undergoes months of intense whiteboarding

On the eve of Halloween, a group of youngsters in Munster feel they are finally ready for the festivities to get underway after months of intense whiteboarding and strategizing.  

Topics of concern for the myriad whiteboard sessions included costume selection and preparation, neighborhood selection and route scouting, a comprehensive review of previous trick or treat experiences, and development of a candy rating system designed to maximize accumulation of the most desirable treats.

“We really whiteboarded the shit out this Halloween,” said ten-year-old Preston Metcalfe.  “Halloween only comes once a year, so our approach has been that we cannot afford to leave a single stone unturned when it comes to raking in a candy harvest that is second to none.  I mean, I need this Halloween booty to get me through until Christmas.”

Metcalfe explained that in the past too much time has been wasted in neighborhoods where there is low participation and trick or treaters are forced to cover too much distance between participating households.  So Metcalfe and his team identified five “hotzones” in town where they feel the candy is most plentiful and accessible.

Additionally, the team’s rating system has prioritized houses that have traditionally handed out the biggest and tastiest treats while downgrading dwellings that put an emphasis on healthy or eco-friendly snacks.  

“We spent months poring over data to come up with our map.  Additionally, we’ve already walked the route several times, identifying areas of concern and making appropriate adjustments.  If all goes well, this will be the most bountiful Halloween ever,” Metcalfe said.

Washed up NFL QBs deployed to streets of American cities

In an effort to combat the chaos brewing in America’s largest cities, federal officials are considering deploying former NFL quarterbacks and intoxicated sports announcers to the nation’s streets to quell disorder. 

“We just want to get them out there and try to turn down the temperature a little bit,” one official noted.

Over the weekend, former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was out patrolling the streets of Indianapolis, Indiana, hunting for ne’er-do-wells, when he encountered an individual he thought was attempting to steal used cooking oil from a downtown hotel. 

Sanchez confronted the man and body slammed the 69-year-old in an alley behind the hotel.  It turns out the man was a legitimate grease truck driver who was authorized to remove the grease from the hotel.

“Mr. Sanchez trusted his instincts on this one and turned out to be wrong, but you got to like his spunk and desire to sniff out the bad guys,” the official said.  

Police noted that prior to his encounter with the grease truck driver, Mr. Sanchez had altercations with two sanitation workers and a document shredder, who all abandoned their suspicious activity when confronted by Sanchez. 

As Sanchez lay in bed this morning feeling like he’d been sacked by a Mack Truck, he remarked to reporters that he wished he was better at avoiding trouble than he was at evading defenses.