New information is emerging regarding the cocaine discovered in a White House storage closet Sunday. Sources close to the situation are reporting that the Secret Service called in a retired 1970’s detective to perform a fingertip taste analysis on a “suspicious substance.”
After licking his pinky, dipping it into the mysterious white powder and touching it to his tongue, the detective was instantly able to identify the substance as cocaine.
“Yeah, that’s booger sugar,” the detective told a perplexed group of Secret Service agents. “Blow. Cocaine. That’s the good shit too. Medical grade. That ain’t no street coke.”
According to officials, further analysis confirmed the substance to be cocaine hydrochloride, which is commonly used as a local anesthetic.
Discovery of the substance prompted officials to immediately evacuate the White House. However, once the cocaine was determined to be of the “non-hazardous” variety, White House employees were allowed to resume their usual activities.
Investigators initially speculated that a White House tour group may have been responsible for bringing the substance into the building. The 70’s detective immediately poured cold water on that theory.
“Oh sure, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson from Dayton, Ohio just decided to duck into a storage closet for a quick bump in the middle of their White House tour. How the hell would they know about a secret room to pack their nose?” the detective barked at investigators. “This involves somebody who works or lives here. Check everybody who’s had access to the building for the last 72 hours. That coke didn’t taste too fresh. It could’ve been there for days.”
The 70’s detective is part of a new program to repurpose retired narcotics investigators who are able to provide faster, more accurate and complete in-the-field information than drug sniffing dogs and expensive chemical tests. This detective’s handling team refers to him as the Bad Lieutenant.
“We’re looking for someone with an intimate knowledge of every nook and cranny of the White House. Not to mention someone brazen enough to ride the old white train in the most heavily secured building in the country. Now ask yourself, who would have the clangers to do something like that? Hell, they were probably having sex in there, humping like a couple of jackrabbits,” the 70’s detective speculated.
If there is something 