July 2020 – If there is something

Rioters and federal agents spotted sharing coffee and doughnut break in Portland

Video footage out of Portland might lead one to conclude that the entire city is embroiled in one sprawling melee. However, aside from a two block area that resembles war torn Sarajevo, it’s business as usual for the rest of the city as peace and calm reign. Break free of the tear gas, and your senses are welcomed by the scent of fresh baked scones. Turn away from the fires and blinding lights, and have your eyes dazzled by the sight of colorful flowers and festive balloons decorating the shops. In some areas of Portland, the streets even echo with laughter. Does anybody remember laughter?

Such was the scene as rioters and federal agents took time off from pummeling each other to go grab coffee and doughnuts in Portland Tuesday. Witnesses described the gathering as “spirited” as the group mostly swapped war stories from their weeks-long stand-off.

“The doughnuts are on Uncle Sam,” said an unmarked, unidentified federal agent as he passed out treats to the delight of agents and rioters. “Take all you want. The federal coffee and doughnut budget has no ‘holes’ in it,” the agent quipped to a chorus of sarcastic chuckles and groans.

According to witnesses, the group “joked” and “clowned around” as they mockingly recreated scenes from the previous night’s clash. One moment that seemed to elicit howls of laughter from the group saw a federal agent put a rioter in a headlock and smash doughnuts on his face.

Some onlookers questioned whether the opposing sides of such a bitter and important struggle should be carrying on like friends and colleagues.

“Aw shucks, we can’t be sore at each other 24/7,” said one masked anarchist. “Anyhoo, this isn’t our first go around. We’ve faced off against some of these guys dozens of times. After a while, you begin to form bonds and friendships. I’ve been invited to their homes for dinner. I’ve met their families.”

The feeling was mutual on the law enforcement side.

“Hey we just want these kids to be safe,” said one agent. “So we help them out. We check out their helmets, body armor and shields, and make sure all their equipment is functioning properly. Also, after a night of screaming and chaos, it’s important to get together like this and decompress, play cards and chill for a bit. Who said civil unrest has to be a total drag?”

After about an hour of camaraderie and spirited horseplay, the lead agent dismissed the group for the day. “Go home, get some rest and report to the staging area at 2100 hours. Let’s give ‘em a show tonight. The world is watching people. They’re sitting in their quiet living rooms looking to us to show them a path toward peace and justice. So come prepared to fuck shit up.”

Strange sightings of breath mint shaped objects continue to puzzle officials

Pentagon officials are at a loss to explain a flood of reports of breath mint shaped objects flying over U.S. military bases. Following the 2017 release of the now famous Tic Tac video, sightings of similar objects have increased dramatically. Now Defense Department officials are ready to concede the objects may be, “off-world vehicles not made on this earth.”

“Who on this earth would design a flying object shaped like a breath freshening candy? They must originate from some other world. Perhaps a world of crisp, icy coolness,” said one anonymous Pentagon official.

In addition to the Tic Tac encounter, witnesses of other sightings describe a Lifesaver shaped object.

“This object definitely had a hole in it,” said one Navy pilot. “It flew right over me, coming within 200 feet of my aircraft, and I peered right up through the center of it. At that moment, what I can only describe as an explosion of frosty freshness washed over me and my aircraft.”

Pilots on patrol near the arctic circle describe a similar experience. However, in addition to maneuvering through the air in ways that defy the known laws of physics, these objects were also able to plunge into the icy ocean waters.

“The object resembled an Ice Breakers Mint. The entire outer shell of the craft appeared to be dotted with sparkling crystals, from which flowed an invigorating rush of coolness. Far from freaking out, our entire formation was overcome with a sense of icy calm. Whatever these things are, they seem pretty chill,” said the anonymous pilot.

In spite of the visitors’ otherworldly ability to deliver freshness wherever they go, government officials would still like to know where they come from and why they’re here.

“We don’t know much about their world except that it probably experiences only two seasons: Wint O Green and Pep O Mint,” said the Pentagon official. “So far, though, they seem pretty peaceful. Unless they’ve come to conquer our world by freshening the shit out of it.”

After exhaustive investigation, media concludes Americans often set off fireworks around July 4th

The results are finally in regarding all those firecrackers you’ve heard popping at night and the colored lights you’ve seen bursting in the evening sky. A two-week intensive investigation conducted by a number of media outlets has concluded that Americans enjoy setting off fireworks on and around the Independence Day holiday.

While your average American probably thought some nefarious government plot was afoot, the New York Times and Slate, among others, went digging into this pyrotechnic phenomenon to dispel any conspiracy theories that these news organizations and their Pulitzer Prize winning staff members may have promoted.

To be clear, this is not a government psy-op. Illegal fireworks traffickers are not trying to destroy communities by flooding the streets with their sparklers, fountains, and smoke bombs. When dusk settles across America during the days leading up to July 4th, excited children and their slightly inebriated fathers routinely break open the Red, White and Boom box and let the explosive fun begin.

But congratulations to the New York Times for committing the time and resources to discovering how typical Americans celebrate around the holidays. And a heads up to Slate, those ghosts and goblins scurrying around residential neighborhoods in late October and those giant furry bunny rabbits handing out chocolate eggs in the spring, it’s all on the up and up.