In an effort to combat the chaos brewing in America’s largest cities, federal officials are considering deploying former NFL quarterbacks and intoxicated sports announcers to the nation’s streets to quell disorder.
“We just want to get them out there and try to turn down the temperature a little bit,” one official noted.
Over the weekend, former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was out patrolling the streets of Indianapolis, Indiana, hunting for ne’er-do-wells, when he encountered an individual he thought was attempting to steal used cooking oil from a downtown hotel.
Sanchez confronted the man and body slammed the 69-year-old in an alley behind the hotel. It turns out the man was a legitimate grease truck driver who was authorized to remove the grease from the hotel.
“Mr. Sanchez trusted his instincts on this one and turned out to be wrong, but you got to like his spunk and desire to sniff out the bad guys,” the official said.
Police noted that prior to his encounter with the grease truck driver, Mr. Sanchez had altercations with two sanitation workers and a document shredder, who all abandoned their suspicious activity when confronted by Sanchez.
As Sanchez lay in bed this morning feeling like he’d been sacked by a Mack Truck, he remarked to reporters that he wished he was better at avoiding trouble than he was at evading defenses.
If there is something 