Blue Bell Licker sentenced to 30 days of licking public toilets

After pleading guilty to a single count of food tampering, The Blue Bell Ice Cream Licker was sentenced to 30 days of cleaning public toilets with her tongue.  Upon hearing the sentence, The Licker was reported to have violently vomited all over defense counsel’s table. 

Judge Hamilton Gray rebuked the defendant and delivered a strong warning to any other would be lickers:  “Some may find the punishment harsh, but I have no choice other than to make an example of you. Let it be known that violating the public’s trust by licking, spitting, breathing, poking, or any other manner of contaminating edible supermarket items will not be tolerated and will be dealt with swiftly and severely.  You can begin your sentence right away by cleaning up this mess you made. Go on, start licking.” 

Human rights organizations immediately criticized the sentence, citing it as cruel and unusual punishment.  Prosecutors, however, praised the Judge’s decision, claiming that the current licking epidemic has the potential to spur a complete breakdown of societal standards of trust and decency.  Victims groups expressed mixed feelings, pointing out that the defendant will simply go from contaminating grocery items to contaminating public restrooms.  

As they left the courtroom, reporters overheard The Licker berating her defense team.  “This is barbaric! You said I’d probably only get 20 years!” The Licker shouted.

Blue Bell Licker Caught!

Americans can scoop their ice cream without fear tonight after news that the Blue Bell Licker has been apprehended.  Not since Son of Sam paralyzed New York City in the 1970s has a nation been so gripped with terror. 

The Licker, as authorities have come to refer to the individual, was apprehended outside a Lufkin, Texas motel where the suspect had been hiding out for the past few days.  Authorities are not releasing the identity of the individual at this time.

The arrest marks the end of a crime-spree that began at a Wal-Mart in Lufkin when The Licker was filmed removing a carton of Blue Bell Tin Roof ice cream from a freezer and licking its contents before placing it back on the shelf.  A shocked America watched with horror and disbelief as the suspect and her accomplice brazenly laughed off the incident. 

Panic seized the nation as Licker sightings were reported from as far away as Bangor, Maine and Spokane, Washington.  Separate witness accounts even had the Licker performing her despicable germ spreading violence in multiple locations at once, only adding to the fear and confusion.

The manhunt began to focus in on the tiny roadside motel in Lufkin when authorities received a tip regarding an individual acting suspicious near the frozen foods section of a nearby convenience store.  Detectives followed the suspect back to the motel where they began a stakeout.  

“One thing we know about this suspect, they can only go a certain amount of time before they must go out and lick again.  We are dealing with a sick individual who will not stop until their lust for frozen dairy is satisfied,” said Detective Patty Starling, an officer with the investigation team. 

Their hunch paid off when less than 24 hours later, the suspect was on the move again.  Police cornered the suspect in the parking lot and an arrest was made without incident. 

As authorities escorted the suspect into police headquarters, a defiant Licker responded to reporter’s questions only by smiling and wagging her tongue.